Diary

Spoiler

The first copy of this poem was written on my bedroom window with dry erase marker. Surprisingly I was happy while writing it. I know, I'm weird.

Here you go.
Here are my thoughts.
Take it.
All of it.
Expose me.
Show the world what an awful person I am.
Go ahead.
Ruin my life.
It'll be fun.
Just don't return the favor.
Don't even give it back.
Cherish it like the friendship we once had.
But one day I'll be the one with all the strings.
I'll be the one with the black heart.
Just remember that and leave.
Wait, don't forget my diary.

I like this, it seems really emotional and honest, and the lack of rhyme scheme and intricate wording made it seem even more personal. This being as short as it is, I don't have much else to say but that it's really relateable to me (and probably a lot of others).
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Wow, that's... different. In a good way, because the tone is so unique. Mostly bitter, but at the same time there's something behind that. Regret, I think. I'd love to see a little bit more of that regret - not too much, but just enough to solidify its presence.

The lack of rhyme and rhythm works really well, because it's so in keeping with the way the narrator seems to feel. He (I'm using the general "he" rather than the gender-specific) gives me the impression of someone rash and inconsistent, and you've worked that really well. The only advice I'd give structurally is that some of the lines could be shortened, because I don't think the character seems the sort to dress up what he's saying. For example:

Here's my thoughts, my many pages of thoughts.

I'd cut this down to "Here are my thoughts." For the best effect, the diary shouldn't be mentioned in such an obvious way until the end.

Beyond that, I loved this. Like StoryWeaver, I like the way the character doesn't hold back, just says it all. At the same time, though, I don't think he's being entirely honest. He seems like he's exaggerating, trying to guilt-trip the other character into leaving the diary behind. And that, I think, works quite well for the bitterness of this character. That's just the way I see it.

Well, I hope I helped. If there's anything more I can do, or if this didn't all make sense, please PM me and I'll be glad to help you out.
~Grin

Wow, I really like the rhythm of this poem. The lines are short, but the because of the narrator's attitude long lines aren't needed.

Here's my thoughts, my many pages of thoughts.

The word "thoughts" is plural, so it should be "Here are" instead of "is". I also think maybe you should put the part "my many pages of thoughts." on a separate line so it fits better with the rest of your poem.
Good work!

TPak wrote: *Sorry if this review sucks, I was almost finished it then I lost it yikes!*
Here you go.
Here's my thoughts, Send this down perhaps?my many pages of thoughts.
Take it,
All of it.
Expose me.
Show the world what an awful person I am.
Go ahead.
Ruin my life,Send this down as well?
it'll be fun,
Just don't return the favor.
Don't even give it back.
Cherish it like the friendship we once had.
But one day I'll be the one with all the strings.
I'll be the one with the black heart.
Just remember that and leave.
Wait, don't forget my diary.

Over all I liked it, but me thinks this belongs in the dramatic poetry forum. *points towards it* because it is a little more emotional then narritavial... if that's even a word. But I like it so keep on writing!

Thank you all for your constructive critism! I usually don't get a lot if you couldn't tell, because people are scared to tell me. They think I'll go over the edge but all I want is their help. So thank you all for helping me become a better writer!

this is just amazing

This is very simple, yet I find it very mysterious. I can feel the emotion, it's rubbing off on me. Waha.

TPak wrote:Ruin my life.

my only advice would be to get rid of this. I like how choppy the poem sounds, but I find that it would be better off without this stanza.

overall, very very nice. I really liked it. Keep writing, please (:

I love this poem. I really do, though I have to dissagree with the reviewer before me. I really like the line

Ruin my life

In fact, I think it's my favourite line in the whole poem. Overall, this is a great poem, I like the choppyness of it, and how at the beginning you stated that you wrote it in dry marker (that's how many of my poems start xD).

Keep writing,

~Crimson

Hola I like this poem and the way it flows, for some reason it reminds me expressions that you would hear from a dramatic movie.

I really like the way it starts :

"Here you go.
Here are my thoughts.
Take it.
All of it.
Expose me..."

I felt so involved with it

To be honest I don't really like the last sentence, where you say:
"Wait, don't forget my diary."

I think it ruins the atmosphere that you have constructed throughout.

Apart from that Good work

Hi TPak! First things first, I love your little signature thingy on top of your avatar. I agree. I have never been a Harry Potter fan or a Twilight fan. Ugh.

Somehow, I think this poem is best with next to no editing. I mean, yeah, you should edit the technical things, as people stated above. ^^ But it's just so pure the way it is. It means so much. It just shows your the smug, satisfied reluctance of the poet. Is satisfied reluctance an oxymoron? Even if it is, I think that's what the poem is about.

- Abigail

I like it, it sounds personal and very emotional...just the type of poetry I like to read : )