Blood Bond

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PROLOGE

Three years ago, my older brother disappeared. Both of my parents having died in a car crash a week earlier, made it even harder for me. I went looking for him, and I wasn't happy with what I discovered. Humans aren't the most dangerous creature after all. I found my brother changed, and tried to take him home, but they over powered me. They bit me and left me to face my transformation alone. Selene found me. Together, her and her husband Robert trained me, to hunt, hide and defend myself. I had always told myself I would find my brother. He would have come after me, if he hadn't thought I was dead.

DREAM

I jumped up onto the roof, landing silently, crouched and ready to attack. The moon shining proudly in the sky. I suddenly felt a hand on my back and turned quickly, fist balled and aiming for a punch at my enemy. She wrapped her hand around my fist and pulled me above her head. I quickly twisted my body and landed on my feet, back to my opponent, I threw my elbow back making a quick blow to the ribs. While my enemy was stunned, I grabbed her wrist and flipped her, she landed on her back. I let go of her wrist and placed a foot on her chest, leaning forward and pulling off her mask. Selene smiled wickedly at me, her blue eyes dancing with excitement and her blond hair frizzing from the ski mask. I laughed quietly and stood up, removing my foot from her chest.
"I told you, Selene. You'll never get the best of me." I smirked offering a hand. She grabbed it and I pulled her up, she landed silently on her feet.

She winked at me and hopped down off of the roof, towards the opposite side we had jumped up from. I followed eagerly. I didn't like what we had to do to survive, but we had to. New York was, in my opinion, the best place to hunt. Filled with low lives, who didn't deserve to live. Those people were who we fed off of. I heard a scream and smelt the air, the precious red elixir of life was not far now. We heard faint screams for help growing loader and louder. I closed my eyes and the blurry vision of a woman fighting with a purse snatcher appeared, and we were about to pass the turn. My eyes flew open and I turned to Selene.
"Right! To the right!" I yelled pointing as I slid, my face barely an inch from the ground. She followed suit and did the same, we ran so fast that to the human eye we were a couple of blurs. But to a vampire we would have been seen plain as day.

I was first on the scene, stopping in front of the man and woman, I threw my arm out towards him. I smirked evilly as he went flying into a wall. The woman gasped, probably seeing my eyes turn red with my blood lust. Her blood smelt so appetizing, it took all my will power to stop myself from taking the weaker human in front of me. I turned to the man, my back now to the woman.
"Get out of here, now!" I hissed through clenched teeth, my fangs fully grown in and my blood lust beginning to win over my will power. I heard her run off and sighed in relief, Selene was already all over the male human. I fell down to my knees beside her. She scooted over and grabbed his wrist. For a moment I was disgusted, then blood lust took over completely and I bent down, shoving my hand under his neck and pulling him up to me. I bit into his neck, the scarlett juice running down my throat and soothing the burning sensation that comes with blood lust.

We stood slowly, as I looked to Selene. Her eyes changed back from red to blue. She put a hand on my shoulder as I looked back to the human. His body quickly deteriorated into dust, I turned towards him and kicked the dust, sending it up into the air as the sun poked through the buildings. Selene turned to me.
"Think you can use your gift to beat me home?" I nodded and took off running, "Elizabeth you cheater!" I heard her yell from behind me. I laughed and closed my eyes. I could see Robert laying on the couch, watching early morning television. I skidded to the left and took off down the ally, I could see the apartment from my visions. Robert liked to call me the 'vampire GPS'. I closed my eyes again and saw Robert falling asleep as the commercials played. I felt something hit my shoulder and opened my eyes to see Selene had caught up to me. I laughed and pushed myself to run faster. I turned to the left and jumped up onto the fire escape, followed by Selene. I swung myself from level to level until I was about half way up. I landed on my feet, standing in front of the door. I opened it quickly and ran inside, I stopped at the end of the hall where our apartment was. I leaned against the door and crossed my arms.

Selene came in through the fire exit and stopped running when she saw me. She giggled and walked over. I quickly leaned down and grabbed the key from under the doormat and unlocked it. I heard a swift movement inside, I smirked and moved over to let Selene in first. She raised an eyebrow to me, just as she took a step in Robert tackled her, his fangs not even an inch away from her throat. I laughed and wrapped my arms around my gut. He jumped off of her and helped her up.
"You two scared me! I thought you were a couple of hunters." I shot him a look as I walked in, followed by a steamed Selene. He stood outside for a moment then followed us in.
"Rob you know vampire hunters are a myth. You watch to much television." I turned to him, putting my hands on my hips. "We are the scariest thing out there, and even if vampire hunters did exist, why would we be afraid of a couple of humans?" Selene sharply hit her husband over the back of the head and walked into their bedroom.
"Sleepy time. Being out all night tires you out." She called from the bedroom. I could agree with that.

We all worked night jobs, because it was safer for us at night. The sun wouldn't make us burst into flame, but it didn't exactly leave is unaffected. It stings us all day, like a sunburn that only goes away at night. We are almost as weak as humans during the day. Robert followed her in happily, as I walked into my room. The sun was coming through the window, so I rushed over and closed the blinds. I turned and ran my hand along my blue bedspread. Blue had always been and always would be my favorite color. I fell back onto my bed and felt above me for my nightstand. My antique oak nightstand was always littered with pictures and small keepsakes. I grabbed the framed picture and held it closely to me.

I lifted it slowly so I could see it. The only picture I had left of my brother. From about thirty years ago, when we were both human. He was pushing me on a swing, sometime in the middle of summer. I absent mindedly wiped away a tear. I rolled over and set the picture back on my nightstand. Then crawled in under the blankets, wrapping them around me as I faced the picture.
"Good night Zach." I whispered. Fighting off tears as I closed my eyes. Sleep wouldn't come easily, but it would come. That night I had a dream, a dream that made up my mind.

I was running through a field, the sun shining on my skin. It stung but I didn't leave the field and run for cover in the nearby woods. Instead I kept running forward. I was wearing a bright blue sundress, and no shoes. The long grass tickled my legs as I ran, the field seemed to go on forever. I saw a small blur growing in the distance, and it was approaching quickly, yet I didn't feel threatened. I felt welcomed, and loved. As the blur grew it became easier to see what it was, or rather, who it was. If my heart had still been beating it would be beating erratically. It was my brother, Zachary. I speed up and threw myself at him, hugging him tightly. He pulled away and looked me in the eyes, holding my shoulders in his hands.
"I miss you, Eli." He pulled away and I snapped up in my bed. Looking around as the sun began to set.

I heard Selene and Robert in the other room, getting ready for work. I wasn't going to work tonight. I was going to get him back. I got out of the bed and walked over to my closet. I smirked as I opened the closet that hid my tiny arsenal. I picked up a stake and hammer, looking between them.
"Well what do you know, vampire hunters do exist." I muttered to myself as I grabbed my big black bag. I put the hammer and a few stakes into the bag and grabbed my handgun. I snapped it open and found it fully loaded. I grabbed my tin of bullets, because you can never be to prepared. That's what my father had always told me.
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.




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This is a good start, but it felt a bit rushed. I didn't think there was enough detail. His brother, was he violent when he found him? Thirsty and yearning to drink his blood? Or was he confused and in a panick? Did he hear the voices of the vampire(s) who changed him, or anything that would have led him to believe that they were coming for him too. How did he feel when he saw his brother there, all the color drained from his face? I wish I didn't have all these questions and I hope you answer some of them in your revision.

The part about the sun, I'm not buying that. I'm not gonna tell you what to do or how to fashion your vampire folklore, just, as a reader, I'm over writers trying to make vampires something that they're not, and since that seems to be the craze these days, maybe you should create a bunch of traditional vampires, blood thirsty, night walking, voracious cannibals. Just a thought, otherwise, Selene and Robert are sounding a lot like Carlisle and Esme.
Last edited by UnderTheGun on Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-From Gwen with Love-




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Hey amu, Stella here!

PROLOGE


Prologue.

Three years ago, my older brother disappeared. Both of my parents having died in a car crash a week earlier, made it even harder for me.


Oh, the trauma! How awful! How impossibly unfortunate! That's just the thing... what are the chances? And why are you telling us this in a prologue? Shouldn't we be finding this out later?

but they over powered me.[/quote

overpowered.

skidded to the left and took off down the ally,


alley.

"Rob you know vampire hunters are a myth. You watch to much television."


comma after Rob, and "too".
"Good night Zach." I whispered.


"Goodnight, Zach," I whispered. Learn your dialogue punctuation- there's a few brilliant articles in the knowledge base.

because you can never be to prepared.


too

II. BEGINNINGS

So, the prologue- get rid of it. It's serving no purpose, is that what you'd want to read at the beginning of a story? No. Make it exciting. They hunt, then they just get together and have a nice familial chat. It's hardly riveting stuff, and there's very little character development during it. Pull us in.

Secondly, vampires these days are extremely overdone. That whole, "I only do what I have to do" line? Who really cares. That's like everyone who eats meat regretting doing it everytime they do. She's a vampire, get over it. If she drinks blood, she drinks blood. If you're going to give us a vampire story, make it a good one, and make it original.

III. OVERALL

Firstly, you could do with an extra grammar check, and a better hook. But overall you've got a pretty decent premise here.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hello!
Here as promised.

The story is a little messy right now. There are lots of grammar and punctuation errors littered about. The pace is too fast and we don't get enough details. As the UnderTheGun mentioned, it feels rushed. Slow down a bit. Show us the surroundings, the settings and reveal the background information bit by bit. The prologue is just an excuse for an info dump. Spread that information through out your story instead.

I think the story has a lot of scope though. It has plenty of potential and weight. You just need to pace the story. You need to create a mood, a personality for the character and a special aura for the story. You also need consistency. There's just too much going on too quickly within this chapter.

It's unfortunate that vampire stories are always compared to Twilight these days. But it is indeed the case. The reader wants something new, something fresh, not overdone. If it's vampires you want to write about then go ahead, but be sure to keep the characters and plot original.

Good luck! PM me if you have any questions.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Hey, All mixed up, Pink here :)
Would you look at that, you're luckily my two-hundredth review :D
*throws confetti*

Okay, no one cares. Back to the review.

Alright, I agree with what Stella said about taking out the prologue. I mean you fit a whole bunch of important information in just one little paragraph and decide you want to start the story from something a little more favorable, right?
Just delete it and give us little bits and pieces of her past through your writing.

Now, there are a few nit picks that I found.

I jumped up onto the roof, landing silently, crouched and ready to attack. The moon (was) shining proudly in the sky.

Technically, 'The moon shining proudly in the sky' is not a complete sentence. It's a fragment and isn't a finished thought.
There's also some repetition in your first paragraph that I would go back and check.

"I told you, Selene. You'll never get the best of me." I smirked offering a hand.

I definitely suggest you go and review correct quotation punctuation.
"There, happy?" she asked.
"I don't want to do that," she hissed, throwing her hands up. "You can just do that yourself!"
Those are examples, I'm sure you now know what you did wrong, correct?

I bit into his neck, the scarlet juice running down my throat and soothing the burning sensation that comes with blood lust.


I nodded and took off running, "Elizabeth you cheater!" I heard her yell from behind me.

I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be like this:
I nodded and took off running. "Elizabeth you cheater!" I heard her yell from behind me. (Just the period instead of the comma.)

I could see Robert laying on the couch,
I don't think 'laying' is used right. Aren't you just supposed to say 'lay'? Like it's one of those weird words.
I can't remember but I think you should check up on that.

I skidded to the left and took off down the alley,


The only picture I had left of my brother (was one) from about thirty years ago, when we were both human.

Again, the second sentence isn't complete.

because you can never be to prepared.

*Too

~~~


Overall
I decided to stop nitpicking because I was seeing the same errors being repeated. You should spell check your work before submitting and watch out for correct punctuation. Simply googling 'comma rules' is also a decent way to go.
I also noticed that you have commas in weird places. Sometimes you have commas were periods should be and periods were commas should be XD. Don't worry, just study up the rules of grammar and we're good to go. Honestly, they're not too hard to memorize.
Now, after Twilight, I totally dislike Vampires and Werewolves. I think they're officially, over rated.That being said, I know I'm probably not the only one. So, I suggest you make your vampires different or traditional. Make them NEW, not New Moon. (haha) Give them something different or even take away something. What if there are different breeds or hybrids? What makes them more unique than Meyer's 'I shine in the sun' or Anne Rice's bloodthirsty vamps?
Since twilight, there's big competition for Vampires so you have to rattle your brain a little.
Anyways, sorry if I sounded harsh in any way, that was not my intention. Keep writing and I wish you luck with the rest of your story.
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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HI Anigamer here to review!
I noticed lots of mistakes but very little ones my corrections are in blue!


PROLOGE
In the beginning you should explain more about what happened and whats going on but as soon as i finished this part i understood what was going on, but make this paragraph a bit more clearer.
Three years ago, my older brother disappeared. Both of my parentsdont put having their it's a unnessacerity to be there having died in a car crash a week earlier, made it even harder for me. I went looking for him, and I wasn't happy with what I discovered. Humans aren't the most dangerous creature after all. I found my brother changed, and tried to take him home, but they over powered me. They bit me and left me to face my transformation alone. Selene found me. Together, her and her husband Robert trained me, to hunt, hide and defend myself. I had always told myself I would find my brother. He would have come after me, if he hadn't thought I was dead.

DREAM

I jumped up onto the roof, landing silently, crouched and ready to attack. The moon shining proudly in the sky. I suddenly felt a hand on my back and turned quickly, fist balled and aiming for a punch at my enemy. She wrapped her hand around my fist and pulled me above her head. I quickly twisted my body and landed on my feet, back to my opponent, I threw my elbow back making a quick blow to the ribs. While my enemy was stunned, I grabbed her wrist and flipped her, she landed on her back. I let go of her wrist and placed a foot on her chest, leaning forward and pulling off her mask. Selene smiled wickedly at me, her blue eyes dancing with excitement and her blond hair frizzing from the ski mask. I laughed quietly and stood up, removing my foot from her chest.
"I told you, Selene. You'll never get the best of me." I smirked offering a hand. She grabbed it and I pulled her up, she landed silently on her feet.
Love this fighting sence very detailed the words just paint the picture of the scene
She winked at me and hopped down off of the roof, towards the opposite side we had jumped up from. I followed eagerly. I didn't like what we had to do to survive, but we had to. New York was, in my opinion, the best place to hunt. Filled with low lives, who didn't deserve to live. Those people were who we fed off of.you should comma or semicolon here because it seemed you just cut off the sentence right there. I heard a scream and smelt the air, the precious red elixir of lifethis is optional you should put a comma here was not far now. We heard faint screams for help growing loader and louder. I closed my eyes and the blurry vision of a woman fighting with a purse snatcher appeared, and we were about to pass the turn. My eyes flew open and I turned to Selene.
"Right! To the right!" I yelled pointing as I slid, my face barely an inch from the ground. She followed suit and did the same, we ran so fast that to the human eye we were a couple of blurs. [color=#0000FF]try not to start with a But if it were me i'd say To a vampire's eye we would've been plain as day[/color]But to a vampire we would have been seen plain as day.

I was first on the scene, stopping in front of the man and woman, I threw my arm out towards him. I smirked evilly as he went flying into a wall. The woman gasped, probably seeing my eyes turn red with my blood lust. Her blood smelt so appetizing, it took all my will power to stop myself from taking the weaker human in front of me. I turned to the man, my back now to the woman.
"Get out of here, now!" I hissed through clenched teeth, my fangs fully grown in and my blood lust beginning to win over my will power. I heard her run off and sighed in relief, Selene was already all over the male human. I fell down to my knees beside her. She scooted over and grabbed his wrist. For a moment I was disgusted, then blood lust took over completely and I bent down, shoving my hand under his neck and pulling him up to me. I bit into his neck, the scarlett juice running down my throat and soothingcomma theyou should take the out burning sensation that comes with blood lust.


That's it so far love it! I like Selene's character she is really cool! I hope to read more of your work!
<@NiGaMeR02> ^w^




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Oh, no, not another vampire story!!! But in all honesty, I couldn't stop reading. I was really hooked into your story, and intrigued by your characters, as well as your outtake on all this vampire stuff compared to the overblown Stephanie Meyer hype. In any case, I thought this was a good start. One thing though that kept bugging me: it's too, not to in a lot of the cases. I know, stupid thing to obsess over. But overall, I'm interested.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Sorry, for some reason I kept thinking the narrator was a man, my mistake. Still really good though, even better the second time. The writing is a bit weak to me, but the story itself is good. A word of advice, there are 100s of vampire themed novels out there, so do a bit of reasearch on the competition so you don't cover anything that's already been done since vampires are so popular at the moment.
-From Gwen with Love-




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The story itself was great other than a few grammar mistakes. I didn't read to check for grammar mistakes but in the end of your story before Eli was going to bed you changed the tense from present tense to past tense. I also noticed that you got a lot of your ideas from the Twilight Saga which is good and bad. It's good because I like Twilight and so do a lot of people , but it is also bad because you don't want your story to sound like it was based on the Twilight Saga. I also think the ending where you said
That's what my father had always told me
That wasn't really a great way to end the chapter so I would change that(but that's just my opinion.) Other than that it was a great story and I am going to read the second one
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
It deals death

It Watches All

Incarceron
By: Catherine Fisher


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I agree with UnderTheGun. It felt rushed. But I like this kind of stories, so keep writing! :D
"I can't just GO to Pigfarts. It's ON MARS. You need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? You know, I bet you do. Oh, look, it's Moonshoes Potter, Starkid Potter, traversing the galaxy on intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!"

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