Anew

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This is something that i wrote on an impulse, so i just wanted to know if its any good and if i have any talent as a writer.


When the mind tries to get inside another it can become very complicated, you are trying to think for yourself but at the same time you are also trying to think as the next person, to figure out what is happening inside their mind. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But one can only win if the opposing side is willing to play. Without two players you will stay inside your own dark mind and continue to wonder until your foe decides to fight back. When that time finally comes you must be ready, for if you are not, your own mind will be read and figured out and you will lose. One’s mind is complex, and for every mind you can read, the more powerful you become. One after another you become stronger and stronger. But by the time that your foe arrives you start to forget how you used to think, why you were trying to get into this one persons mind in the first place. Your mind cluttered with the thoughts of a thousand others, your foe stands straight in front of you not willing to back down. And with one finally blow your foe falls.

You reign victorious, but when you look around, there is no one. You have stolen the minds of all of your loved ones leaving you in a dark nowhere and by the time you realize this, it is too late. You crouch down and hold onto your legs as tightly as you can trying to find some comfort but none comes. You listen in on the sounds of a thousand and one minds all together unable to control it. You grasp your head trying to clear your mind but you cannot. Then one tiny thought slides into view. If I no longer live then I can no longer think, no longer hear the voices. Silence. That what I had to do, it’s the only way.

But as I was ready to end it all, a figure came into view. The person was almost completely covered by a radiating light leaving only a silhouette. The person extended one arm out offering me a way to get out. Freedom from everything else, another chance. This was a big decision. My whole life I had nothing, no one that would stand by my side, can I trust this person? Then something happened inside of me, a small light ticked on telling me to take this persons hand. I slowly reached out and I touched the person’s hand. Shock coursed through my body as I realized something. The voices, they were gone, I was hearing only one thing, something I hadn’t heard in a very long time. It was my own voice, my thoughts, it was amazing! I quickly stood up embracing this person and I could feel it, the comfort I had with this person. Everything else melted away, my past, my enemies, everything. I could finally start anew.




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Hey Porter! SporkPunk here. I'll be reviewing this today. :D

Okay, so I usually begin with grammar. The sentences were very awkward. Personally, I had to read some parts several times to understand exactly what you were trying to get at. Going through and revising this, by breaking up the sentences and adding commas in strategic places would be a great start. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
Blue is commentary, red is grammar, and green is word choice suggestions.

But as I was ready to end it all, a figure came into view. The person was almost completely covered by a radiating light, leaving only a silhouette. The person extended one arm, offering me a way to get out. The two "out" instances in one sentence are redundant. Freedom from everything else, another chance. This was a big decision. My whole life I had nothing, no one that would stand by my side, can I trust this person? Then something happened inside of me, a small light ticked on telling me to take this person's hand. I slowly reached out and I touched the person’s hand. The two instances of "the person's hand" is kind of redundant, as well. Maybe replace the second one with it? Shock coursed through my body as I realized something. The voices, they were gone; I was hearing only one thing, something I hadn’t heard in a very long time. It was my own voice, my thoughts; it was amazing! I quickly stood up, embracing this person and I could feel it, the comfort I had with him or her. Redundancy. Everything else melted away, my past, my enemies, everything. I could finally start anew.


See what I mean? It's nothing major. :D

As for your storyline, the originality is there, with the mind-reading, and the opponent dynamic. I liked that bit quite a lot. I'd like to see that developed a bit, because I could only understand the basics. xD One last nitpick, the way you switch points of view from second to first, and tenses from present to past...it's jarring. Picking one tense and one POV would be the preferred way to go.

Now, I am not a talent judge, but I say this. Do you genuinely love writing? Do you write for the sake of writing? If so, KEEP WRITING. I don't think your writing is terrible, trust me, I've seen worse from classmates at school. And you can only improve by not giving up. So don't! :D

Overall, I liked the originality of the mind-reading dynamic quite a lot, though I wasn't much for the style. PM me if you have any questions at all. :D

Keep Writing!
Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

REVIEWS FOR YOU | | Uprising (coming soon!)




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Hey there,

So, I found some points of this to be slightly confusing, but overall I think i knew what was going on. Like Spork said, the random changes of tenses made it a little awkward. For the first two paragraphs, you were saying "you," but on the third one it switched to "I."

I didn't really find many spelling errors, but there were a few grammatical problems and typos, but a bit more proofreading before hand can easily take care of that.

As far as talent goes, I think everyone has at least a little bit of writing talent. Some people choose to build onto that talent, while others take a different path. It's really up to you. But do know this- It doesn't matter how much talent you have, if you love writing, keep doing it. I have friends whose writing is...not so great, but they love to write so they write. I'd say, and this is going to sound cheesy, but just follow your heart.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me~~
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

-Divide, Disturbed




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I've commented on this mainly because I actually liked the change in POV from second person to first person in this piece. I definitely wouldn't do it all the time, but it was quite smooth here and though I preferred reading the piece in first person, it made for something a little different.

As for general critique, I agree with Spork in that your sentences are awkward. She covered the last paragraph in detail, so I'll focus on the first. It reads like an instruction manual at points. Do this, do that, do this. It's not helped by the second person, which is why I think, though I like the tense change, you should write in first person more often, as it stepped up a notch when you slipped back into it. That might be because first person is your comfort zone and you were experimenting with second person. Everyone has to do that once in a while, if only to break the monotony, but most people tend to do it in a standalone piece. Anyway, for the first paragraph, I'd suggest you break it into at least a couple of smaller paragraphs. Reading blocks is difficult, especially on YWS, where reviewers tend to look at a piece and its length before they begin to read. Well, I suppose everyone does that, even in bookstores. *guilty*

I'd like to hear some more about this mysterious person at the end of the piece and what relationship they have to your MC. Is it romantic? Does it end there? Maybe you didn't consider that while writing it, but I'm left wondering who this character is going to be, and even what gender they are.

Concerning talent, I think DisturbedDisorder summed it up above me. It's the decision to nurture the abilities you have and grow, learning from mistakes and from successes, that decides where you take your writing. You've shared your work with other people and opened it up for reviewing; that's quite a big step for anyone to take, in any field, I think. So, welcome to YWS. Hope you stick around.

- Jet.




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I really enjoyed it. You represented pain and consequence clearly, but also relief. ;D

And, because I am a Grammar-freak (XD):

"I quickly stood up embracing this person and I could feel it,...."
to
"I quickly stood up, embracing this person, and I could feel it,..."
~Chelseam2

Insane, and, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!



The author of my life has some ambitious ideas for me to become a super villain
— FireEyes