Take My Breath- Prologue

This is the Prologue of my novel, hope it intrigues you, the Chapter One will follow soon, please give much feedback

PROLOUGE
Hi, I'm not too sure about this whole writing thing to be honest with you. Let's get that straight from the start- That sounds awkward. Instead say, "straight from the start" I have never written more than about 500 words in my life, let alone more than 500 words about my life. As my life is kinda fucked up, I thought I'd do this account in an also fucked up way. Kinda reflective, don't you think? That's why I decided I'd start here at the beginning of the end. Yep, you got it, I'm starting this narrative not at the start, but further along down the line, the part just before the end but not quite there, where there are still a few things left to happen before the grand finale of my life. Still with me?
Okay, so here I am, sitting in a darkened room in a warehouse. One of those old, abandoned and lonely sorts of warehouses. At the moment, I'm in an office with just a torch, my diary, a pen and paper, and a bottle of Smirnoff keeping me company on this night, as they say, to end all nights. I come here often to reflect when I really am feeling incredibly shitty and at my lowest ebb (and believe me I have been here a lot over the past few months). And tonight, being one of those shitty nights, I'm here again. But this time I've had a crazy thought (probably alcohol induced), what if I write down what's being going on in my life recently, try and come to terms with what it all means and shit, plus I hope that someone will find it, that they will read it and realise the truth, not the one everyone believes about me, but what actually happened (more on that later) – especially good if it gets to a policeman.
I suppose in all this mucked up work of that I call a piece of literature, you the reader has been left out in the dark at this point, haven't you? You're probably wondering why am I sitting in the warehouse, why am I writing this thing (I’d like to say my memoirs, makes it sound important and posh, more than it currently is) Well, to be honest with you, I'd rather not be writing about this in the first place. That is to say I wish the things that I am writing about had never happened, plus as I sit here and reflect, thanks to the wonders of hindsight, on what I did wrong and how I managed to get myself into this horrible, horrible mess. I mean this mess was horrible anyway, but then I went – BAM- and made it a thousand, no scratch that, a million times worse
It would make sense to start with the beginning, moving on through the various events so we slowly make our way to the end. But with my story, I start with the beginning, hit a dramatic climax and ride a roller-coaster of exciting events to a dramatic finale. I wish.

This opening is very intriguing and I like the idea that it is actually written by the main character. That is something I personally enjoy doing in my own writing. It gives the first person perspective some more personality in my opinion and it is very well done for your story.

That being said, I kind of felt like it was going in circles a bit. The last paragraph was pretty much the exact same as the first paragraph but in different words and doesn't leave the reader wanting even more than what you have already said in the previous paragraph. This is my thought: You can combine those two into the opening paragraph and use the second last paragraph as the hooker.

I mean this mess was horrible anyway, but then I went – BAM- and made it a thousand, no scratch that, a million times worse

I think that line is a good one to end off with. That line made me want to read more and seemed to put the character into a hopeless situation that the reader wants to see him/her (gender seems unimportant to me at this point) out of.

I hope that makes sense to you. IM me if you have any questions. I'm no pro, but I can help. Other than that, I want to see more of this. Keep writing!

black star of darkness wrote:PROLOUGE
Hi, I'm not too sure about this whole writing thing to be honest with you. Let's get that straight from the start- That sounds awkward. Instead say, "straight from the start" I have never written more than about 500 words in my life, let alone more than 500 words about my life. As my life is kinda fucked up, I thought I'd do this account in an also fucked up way. Kinda reflective, don't you think? That's why I decided I'd start here at the beginning of the end. Yep, you got it, I'm starting this narrative not at the start, but further along down the line, the part just before the end but not quite there, where there are still a few things left to happen before the grand finale of my life. Still with me?
Okay, so here I am, sitting in a darkened room in a warehouse. One of those old, abandoned and lonely sorts of warehouses. At the moment, I'm in an office with just a torch, my diary, a pen and paper, and a bottle of Smirnoff keeping me company on this night, as they say, to end all nights. I come here often to reflect when I really am feeling incredibly shitty and at my lowest ebb (and believe me I have been here a lot over the past few months). And tonight, being one of those shitty nights, I'm here again. But this time I've had a crazy thought (probably alcohol induced), what if I write down what's being going on in my life recently, try and come to terms with what it all means and shit, plus I hope that someone will find it, that they will read it and realise the truth, not the one everyone believes about me, but what actually happened (more on that later) – especially good if it gets to a policeman.
I suppose in all this mucked up work of that I call a piece of literature, you the reader has been left out in the dark at this point, haven't you? You're probably wondering why am I sitting in the warehouse, why am I writing this thing (I’d like to say my memoirs, makes it sound important and posh, more than it currently is) Well, to be honest with you, I'd rather not be writing about this in the first place. That is to say I wish the things that I am writing about had never happened, plus as I sit here and reflect, thanks to the wonders of hindsight, on what I did wrong and how I managed to get myself into this horrible, horrible mess. I mean this mess was horrible anyway, but then I went – BAM- and made it a thousand, no scratch that, a million times worse
It would make sense to start with the beginning, moving on through the various events so we slowly make our way to the end. But with my story, I start with the beginning, hit a dramatic climax and ride a roller-coaster of exciting events to a dramatic finale. I wish.

I adore how the character is actually writing this. It gives it that much more personality and emotion-so-500 creativity for you!
You're last paragraph (What I put in blue) you don't even need. That that out, and it will be that much stronger.
I also like you're mood. It's more deep and melancholy, which I like.
~Kit

Thank you guys for the comments, you both seem to point to the same thing so I will change that and post it edited when I post chapter 1 hope you read it too

I hate commenting on recent additions all the time because I know it drives me nuts when I get a couple of comments when I first post it and then no one looks at it again. So I found this through a comment one of my followers made and decided to read it.

Okay since it's so short I'm just going to quote the entire thing. Plus I need the points.

PROLOUGE
Hi, I'm not too sure about this whole writing thing to be honest with you. Let's get that straight from the start- That sounds awkward. Instead say, "straight from the start" I'm not understanding the difference there. I have never written more than about 500 words in my life, let alone more than 500 words about my life. As my life is kinda fucked up, I thought I'd do this account in an also fucked up way. Kinda reflective, don't you think? I can really see the character starting to come out in this. And Introducing the character is a great way to start a story. That's why I decided I'd start here at the beginning of the end. Yep, you got it, I'm starting this narrative not at the start, but further along down the line, the part just before the end but not quite there, where there are still a few things left to happen before the grand finale of my life. Still with me?
Okay, so here I am, sitting in a darkened room in a warehouse. One of those old, abandoned and lonely sorts of warehouses. At the moment, I'm in an office with just a torch, my diary, a pen and paper, and a bottle of Smirnoff (What's Smirnoff?) keeping me company on this night, as they say, to end all nights. I come here often to reflect when I really am feeling incredibly shitty and at my lowest ebb (and believe me I have been here a lot over the past few months). And tonight, being one of those shitty nights, I'm here again. But this time I've had a crazy thought (probably alcohol induced), what if I write down what's being going on in my life recently, try and come to terms with what it all means and shit, plus I hope that someone will find it, that they will read it and realise the truth, not the one everyone believes about me, but what actually happened (more on that later) – especially good if it gets to a policeman.
I suppose in all this mucked up work of that I call a piece of literature, you the reader has been left out in the dark at this point, haven't you? You're probably wondering why am I sitting in the warehouse, why am I writing this thing (I’d like to say my memoirs, makes it sound important and posh, more than it currently is) Well, to be honest with you, I'd rather not be writing about this in the first place. That is to say I wish the things that I am writing about had never happened, plus as I sit here and reflect, thanks to the wonders of hindsight, on what I did wrong and how I managed to get myself into this horrible, horrible mess. I mean this mess was horrible anyway, but then I went – BAM- and made it a thousand, no scratch that, a million times worse. I'm not sure if you meant not to have a period there or what.It would make sense to start with the beginning, moving on through the various events so we slowly make our way to the end. But with my story, I start with the beginning, hit a dramatic climax and ride a roller-coaster of exciting events to a dramatic finale. I wish.

I really enjoyed it. I can really understand the character and get inside his mind. You did a great job with making it 1st person perspective.

Okay one thing that really bothered me. At the bottom of the page when you post something is a little thing that lets you choose the style of your addition. Choose story and it will help make your paragraphs look a lot better. I had that problem when I first joined.

I hope to read the next one in your novel. It sounds like a really good book and this prologue catches your eye. Keep writing!