I'm just a fish

I am a fish.
Small and insignificant.
I live in this pond, nay this ocean.
I am pale blue with grey stripes.
I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.

Where I live there is a big fish.
He eats other fish.
He picks us off one by one and soon
there will not be any of us left.
He mistreats us and scares us to death.

We are captured by men in masks,
they take some of us away
lowering the chances for the rest.
We are helpless.
Help! I'm a fish,
but people don't care.

Seven left from Two-Hundred.
We asked for help
but he just kept eating and eating.
Why doesn't anyone help us,
try to save us.
Oh I know why,
it's because I'm just a fish.

Wow, I like this! It's such a great point of view to write from. Who would have thought to write from the point of view of a fish? No one, of course, because it's "just a fish".
I only saw one little thing:

I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.

I think "but" and "yet" are redundant, so you can get rid of one or the other.

Other than that, this is really cool.

I really like the new angle! I have no nitpicks to point out, except one suggestion. Because you're writing in the perspective of a fish, maybe write only in lower case letters and use basic words? For example, maybe replace "mistreat" with a smaller word. I hope this helped a little..

winie

Hey retro.

This is a nice start for a poem: I believe the basic idea could be really fun/interesting, and your message could be worth taking in. The structures simple, but nice, you've got your story... I just don't really think the execution's quite as good and effective as it could be.

One of my main issues is that your sentences get awkward and clunky in several places: "I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.", "He mistreats us and scares us to death.", "they take some of us away / lowering the chances for the rest." are the glaring ones, but it's an impression I get from pretty much all of the poem. Words don't flow the way they should, they just stumble along: it'd work if it fit the story, but it doesn't. We're talking about fish here. They swim, they don't flop: try showing that through rhythm and flow.

This overall impression is only made worse with lines such as

I live in this pond, nay this ocean.

"Nay"? Really? It sounds extremely contrived, and pulls me straight out of the poem, and the sentence by itself sounds just plain ridiculous: is it a pond or an ocean? How on earth would one confuse one for the other?

Similarly,

He mistreats us and scares us to death.

is just redundant: you've already said that "He eats other fish.", and being scared to death sounds laughably unimportant when faced with the prospect of being eaten.

I am pale blue with grey stripes.

This is the only instance of description in this, save if one counts "men in masks." Neither brings anything to the story: they're just filler. Either describe properly, or don't at all.

I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.

That pun was an instant turn-off. There's a place and time for that, and this poem, at least, is not one of them.

Help! I'm a fish,
but people don't care.

and

Why doesn't anyone help us,
try to save us.
Oh I know why,
it's because I'm just a fish.

are supposed to be what the whole poem comes down to, and they're lacking in impact. Fact is that no, people don't care about fish, and usually figure there are more important things to be saved. It's something that happens throughout the whole piece: you state something that's obvious or patently normal and seem to expect us to be shocked/outraged/saddened. Not working. There's no build-up, nothing that would twist things and show them in a light different from the usual point of view, and so everything falls flat. There's no emotion in your poem, no hook, nothing.

That's what I think you should work the most on: conveying proper emotion without relying on such obvious crutches as those weak declarations of woe and misfortune. At the risk of losing all origninality: show, don't tell.

Hope this helps.

Jag

Thank you for the comments.

Jagged- I realise that my poem does not a hook. I think this is probably due to the fact that in my mind it has nothing to do with fish. I was writing this after reading about women being beaten by husbands and not being able to escape relationship and this one woman said that "I feel like a fish" thus inspiring the poem. I know this has no link, or only a small one, but I thought I should point this out. I will work on trying to bring a hook to the piece and engrossing the reader more, thanks.

Winnie and Enigma - thank you for your comments

retrodisco666 wrote:I am a fish.
Small and insignificant.
I live in this pond, nay this ocean.
I am pale blue with grey stripes.
I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.

Where I live there is a big fish.
He eats other fish.
He picks us off one by one and soon
there will not be any of us left.
He mistreats us and scares us to death.

We are captured by men in masks,
they take some of us away
lowering the chances for the rest.
We are helpless.
Help! I'm a fish,
but people don't care.

Seven left from Two-Hundred.
We asked for help
but he just kept eating and eating.
Why doesn't anyone help us,
try to save us.
Oh I know why,
it's because I'm just a fish.

This is such an interesting poem. I love the visceral details. It is simple, yet complex. I love all the analogies. Keep the creative juices flowing, and I hope to read your other pieces soon!

OK, well first off, I think that this poem could have taken it one step farther and written the poem in consideration of a fish's lack of self awareness. For example, he wouldn't be able to say "I".

Nonetheless maybe that isn't your main point.

I enjoyed the dark humor of the poem and the minimalism. Good job.

Aw ... poor fishy! D; This is a very interesting perspective for a poem, however. It's very true for a lot of things in todays society -- we do but never think of the consequences on the poor animals and creatures that thrive around us.

As I am no poet of sorts, I couldn't really tell you much. For the most part there was a general flow; there were a couple of parts, though, that I did pick up on that didn't have much of a flow to it:

I am pale blue with grey stripes.
I am part of school, but yet no one cares to study me.

I feel as though the flow is lost. Maybe something like:

I am part of a school, yet none care to study me.

Now, as for the rest, I thought it was very cool. The thing about the men in masks reminded me of 'Finding Nemo' and P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. XP

Anyways, that was cool, keep writing!

I know this sounds strange but this poem makes me want to cry, especially after reading your comment about how your insperation for this poem was from men beating their wives. Then reading it a second time I saw the connection even if you didn't.
I didn't see any mistakes because this poem is so simple and flows real well, thanks for posting! I really enjoyed this!

- Snickerdooly