Right Now

Right now, you're a
friend who happened to
fall in love with me.
Right now, I like
someone else,
even though it's complicated.

Right now, he loves
you. It's not that you
don't have a chance at
my heart, it's just
that it's occupied right now.
For right now - right now -
you have someone to love
and someone who wants it back -

I give you my blessing to love
him and admit it back,
You both deserve it.

While I don't have a tangible love
in my life like you do, I like to see
others have it until I do.

Hey Jon -

There's something interesting about the tone here, the simplicity of it that does not at all border on the mundane, the kind of easy acceptance and non-judgemental approach the narrator has to life and love.

However, the repetition of 'Right Now' does nothing for the poem. It seems like a filler, extraneous, a conversational 'um' thrown in to create some kind of deep and meaningful-sounding effect and...it doesn't work. You do so much better in just leaving it as the title and the first two words, since that's really all the weight you need to give it; we get that it's the immediacy of the moment, that it has this kind of sighing effect with which we'll later view the whole poem.

Right now, you're a
friend who happened to
fall in love with me.
Right now, I like
someone else,
even though it's complicated.

First three lines are easygoing, pretty almost. Aside from that overdone repetition of 'Right now' that glares at me from the fourth line, the next three lines are also quiet, solitary. I think I know what it is: the enjambment. It makes the lines accessible, read lazily, almost. Which is why the 'Right now' with all its pompous repetition fails to slot in perfectly with the rest of the poem, because it kind of impounds on the stanzas, demands our undivided attention, bangs on the window at us. Which is a shame, since there is something so lovely and unselfconscious about the other lines.

Right now, he loves
you. It's not that you
don't have a chance at
my heart, it's just
that it's occupied right now.
For right now - right now -
you have someone to love
and someone who wants it back -

Fittingly, this stanza is 'complicated' - a concept you introduced in the last stanza. It takes two reads to understand, which is, I gather, the intended effect. However, despite the simplicity of tone, I still think you could benefit from making this stanza somewhat more original; not by fancy word choice, but by a kind of defining action (since I think that the more straightforward nouns and verbs are your strong point) that does not give the somewhat cliché effect of I-love-you-you-love-me-and-he-loves-you-and-you-should-love-him. The tone lifts it out of that boring abyss of teenage melodrama by being mature and non-angsty - something I was very grateful for - but even so, there is something it lacks nevertheless. A point of difference in idea, I think, as opposed to just style.

Right now, he loves
you. It's not that you
don't have a chance at
my heart, it's just
that it's occupied right now.
For right now - right now -
you have someone to love
and someone who wants it back -

I give you my blessing to love
him and admit it back,
You both deserve it.

Here's where it becomes so passive that it is, I daresay, a bit boring. Perhaps it is the monotonous explanation of events. Perhaps it is the smoothness with which the narrator resolves the conflict - 'I give you my blessing to love him.' Almost like it was too easily done, like there was no afterthought nor regret nor different desire. That seems bland on two counts - the resolution jumps in before the conflict is fully established, and the character comes across as emotionless, when they clearly should not seem so.

While I don't have a tangible love
in my life like you do, I like to see
others have it until I do.

A sort of interestingly complicated note to end the poem on. Not sure I agree with it; it sort of lays bare the entire heart and mind of the narrator when one fully understands it, and I usually like to see a healthy dose of ambiguity in emotion, a bit more of a metaphor, a paradox, since that's more real than a simple asserting statement on one's state of mind.

Anyway, I hope that helped.


Navita

I love you're topic. It's something everyone can relate to, and well chosen. The only thing is when I read this, I don't read a poem, I read a song.
It truly is beautiful. Congratulations.
~Kit

I also see this as more of a song, I thought it was actually before I read what section it was in.
I really like the idea though

Navita -- Thank you! I definitely see what you mean about the redundancy of "right now". Actually, I meant this to act asa conversation between two people - but only one person was talking. The "right now" was supposed to act as a (Just listen to me-cut off-til I tell you what I'm saying type of thing.)

I'll see if I can substitute anything, though. ^^


Thanks, Emalily and Kitxkat!