Can't Help But Live

Wrote this a long time ago.. just found it recently. Apparently, I didn't care for it enough to post it before. I kinda like it now though.



She laughs as often as breathes
She's dancing as often as walking-
Every little step, every little vibrant speck
That creates her
Is so overfilled,
Past the brim
With exuberance
Joy
Rapture
A simple love of life.
Being around her is like blooming,
Being the best that you can
Without any change in your part.
You can't help but smile,
Can't help but love,
Can't help but live.

I really liked this poem! It reminds me of a person I used to know...she was a lot like the person you're describing here. Always enjoying life and making everyone else want to enjoy it with her. Now, if only there were more people like this out there, the world would be a nicer place to live in, don't you think?

~mybrokenreality

I like it ^-^. But don't things that are over-stuffed explode? Just a thought... Makes me wonder who you were writing about. Besides that, it's a great poem with a lot of description in a few words. Good job!

Hi, I’m Roon, nice to meet you. I quite liked this, but I think, if you improved it a little, I would love it! It has potential, it’s nice and honest and I can tell you really believe what you’re writing, I wish I was a more positive person, but I’m not, and I have a couple of friends who are like this, but honestly it can be a bit annoying at times! Anyway, I’m rambling, onto the review!

She laughs as often as she breathes

It’s a little awkward without the 'she', but otherwise this is a good way to get the reader’s attention.

She's dancing as often as walking-

It’s a little odd moving from the format of the first line which is “laughs” and “breathes”, to the second line which is “dancing” and “walking”, rather than "dances" and "walks", but I’m probably the only person that will ever notice that! Also, why the dash? I'd start a new sentence, personally.

Every little step, every little vibrant speck

I’m not sure about the repetition, but it doesn’t offend me, so I won’t pull you up on it. What I will say is that I think this line flows nicely, and fit’s the overall vibe of the poem.

That creates her
Is so overfilled,
Past the brim < As previously stated, if it was past the brim, it would overflow, but I don’t think this image harms the poem in any way, it just needs expanding if you want it to add anything.
With exuberance, < I’d put the 'with' on the previous line, it feels too sudden for a break, it breaks up the flow of the poem, for me, also then this line would fit more with the next two.
Joy,
Rapture,

I don’t know whether I would have chosen those three words, but it seems to work fairly well, although you’re sort of just listing things. Another problem is that the overfilling thing is a little clichéd, but again, it doesn’t really particularly offend me, just a point where you could improve if you had some inspiration or something. I've put commas in red, but you may not want to include them, that's fine.

A simple love of life.

This gets a little repetitive now, this is basically all you’ve said for the past few lines, but I do think it has a place in the poem, maybe if you moved it or cut out some of the bits before it would work better.

Being around her is like blooming,

This is an overused image, but had you introduced it earlier, it might have worked here. This is really the only proper imagery that you have in this piece, and it’s not expanded on, it’s just placed there. You either need to do something with it, or leave it out entirely. However, I do think, with a little work, this could be a focal image in the poem, you just need to present it in a more interesting and relevant way.

Being the best that you can
Without any change in your part.

I don’t really understand these two lines, you’re assuming that everyone is always trying to be the best that they can be, because if they weren’t, they would surely have to change? No one’s always being the best they can.

You can't help but smile,
Can't help but love,
Can't help but live.

The repetition gets… well, repetitive here, especially as love and live are so similar.

I think you need to work on your imagery a little, I know that this is supposed to be more of a celebration of a personality, but if you had imagery in there it would be easier for the reader to really feel the poem. I know that sounds utterly geeky, but that’s who I am!

I think that you should explore the idea of how she makes you feel, rather than just telling us that she is basically passionate about life. At the moment it’s very much focused on that. What I think you did well though, was to show that you really look up to the person you are describing in the poem, you seem a little in awe, and it’s good that you’ve been able to put this idea across in such a short poem. I think it’s a good length for the style, it didn’t drag on and it wasn’t too short, you were able to say everything you wanted to, I think. One other tiny thing I would suggest though, watch out for capitalising every first letter of each line. It breaks up the flow of the poem, which is otherwise excellent. As for problems with punctuation, think of the poem as a paragraph and making sure you've punctuated it all correctly, the same rules apply.

I don’t know how long ago you wrote this, but it seems pretty good, and I’m sure that by now you’re even better at writing poetry and can sort out any little niggles. I completely understand if you don’t listen to any of my advice, I’m just one person, and it’s your poem, after all! I enjoyed reading this, and it was a nice thing to review as well. Your grammar seems excellent, so it wasn’t painful and you don’t try to overcomplicate things with needlessly flowery language, it’s just a pure and simple poem, and that goes in it’s favour, and is in-keeping with the overall theme. Thank you for your time, if you ever want another review, just let me know. Hope this helped!

~Roon