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I've read it through twice, and am still wholly confused as to what's going on here. Why did you choose to post this particular excerpt rather than start from the beginning of the novel? I'm making that point partly because I didn't understand this, but also because I really like your writing style and I'd like to read the beginning.

So, I won't comment on the significance of the names or where/when this is set. I'll stick to language, where I pretty much only have one point to make.

Though your dialogue is very realistic, the prose itself can be clunky. I assume this is a YA novel, but even if it isn't, you make inefficient use of your vocabulary. I don't know whether you've been using a thesaurus, but I'd guess that you have, looked at some of the combinations here. The phrases "groused cynically" and "his countenance modified", and others like them, don't add anything to the reader's enjoyment of the story; they actually tend to hinder it. We stumble over particularly long and complex words. Sometimes simple is better.

On that note, don't be afraid to just use "said". You sometimes take the plunge and use it, but most of the time we end up with crafted dialogue tags that either make little sense ("I assessed") or have been thought about too much ("asked with discomfiture"). Let's take the latter. Obviously using "asked" is fine, but "discomfiture" is an obscure word and doesn't say much about your character. What if she pulls away from Triston here? Or perhaps she shuffles a little, or looks away? All of those actions show discomfort, whereas "discomforture" just tells the reader that it's so.

You also use adverbs a lot. I won't ramble about my problems with adverbs, but I'll refer you to this article on adverbs and when to use them. Sometimes they work, but more often than not, they're unnecessary and just clog up your writing.

As I said before, I'd like to read the beginning of this, so I'll be on the look out if you decide to post it. Your writing is generally easy to read and the atmosphere is pretty well established, though I'm not quite sure where they are, or what their relationship is, through this extract. It's easier for reviewers if you post your story logically, so we can critique your writing style whilst still understanding the story. I've tried to give as best a summary of my impressions as I can, though.

- Jet.

[quote="mollytate"]

“I’ve never seen anyone connect with Antonia like that,” I remembered to say. “You easily just made her day. Hell, with the way she’s regarded to around here, you probably made her year. How did you get so fluent? With the Spanish, I mean...” Three periods probably isn't really nesasary.
Triston barely smiled. “All angels are Omni-linguistic. Purposely to help us, as you said, connect better with the humans in every possible way, no matter how indisposed or afraid they are to give us admission to their lives. Communication is pretty vital when concerning for their protection.” I thought you said you were talking about a psychic not an angel.
“Do you know what my name is in Italian?” I assessed, almost inaudibly. I lifted one of my arms from the floor that sustained me to scratch my neck, but lost equilibrium and lurched forward, my arm barring in front of his chest. Quietly, we both laughed. This sentence was very rushy. I had to read it twice to really understand what just took place.
Realizing that his face was less than an inch from mine, my breath caught.
“Maria,” He answered simply, his breath embracing my face like a hot wave of electricity. And he was right, not that I had any misgivings. But maybe hearing it for real and believing it were two different things, the way most things were with Triston. I don't really understand why she wouldn't believe her name was Maria in Italian. Maybe I am way off on your point, but if I am you need to be more non confusing.
“Right,” I approved shakily.
His eyes explored mine pensively; up close, they didn’t look so piercing. And as the muted light from the closet lamp extracted a tiny fan of pastels from his silver irises, I wasn’t reminded of a stainless steel sink. “Did your parents ever tell you why they named you that?” His voice was curious.
I shook my head and chuckled to myself. “All my mom ever told me was that Mollie means sea of bitterness,” I said dryly. Triston stirred in hushed laughter. “What? Does that suit me?” I think you shoud put the new diaglog on a new paragraph.
“Well, maybe not now...” He arched an eyebrow, a grin threatening at the corner of his mouth. Joking or not, his response took me on the guilt trip of a lifetime, and I smiled ruefully back as his lighthearted demeanor amended. “Maria was your father’s mother’s name.” Why did this send you on a guilt trip? I may just be missing some of the story, but I would be more elaberate.
I inched back in revelation. “They never told me that.”
Triston nodded. “I can remember them talking about wanting you to have a name all your own, something unique—”
“Yeah, well if eighty million square miles worth of acrimony didn’t resolve that for them, I don’t know what would,” I groused cynically. He waited tolerantly as I giggled. “Sorry. Go on...”
His countenance modified. “But they also wanted to raise you in your grandmother’s memory. You’re name comprised both of those elements.” This really makes it seem like he is her brother. Knowing what the parents were saying and such. I would make it known that he is not like that.
“How do you know all of this?”
Amusement and understatement washed over him in one color. “The same way I knew that I would be sitting here with you tonight, this morning.”
“No, I mean, how do you remember?” I asked with discomfiture. “This had to have happened sometime before I was born. You must have been very, very young...”


Ok. Well those are the things I commented on, there is only on or two misspelled words, but that can be easily changed. I really have enjoyed your writing style though. I rarely see such great works on here. It's just like reading a book, and I would really enjoy reading this from the beginning to understand better. Or you could give us past clues as to fill us in. What I mean is you could refer to something that has already happened in the novel. You know like flashbacks, I'm sure you've seen it in books before.

One thing I noticed is, when you write certain parts they seem more rushed than others. I commented on one of the parts. She kinda just fell really fast, but you left us with no understanding. I would detail that more. Other than that your details were fabulous. I really didn't see any other flaws. I know I am not being of much help, but your writing is very impressive. If you post the beginning of the novel, or perhaps any part I would love for you to let me know.

If you need any help with anything feel free to pm me, or you can post a link up on my review corner.

-Flower-