Young Writers Society

I was chasing
a fading light
as it gushed away
in a showering
sunset

then rang my arms
out to the obscurity

I was aiming
to comprise a rhythm of breaths
my piano fingers
dabbing down to trace
the creamy pelt

the sifting fibers on my skin
that simply bowed

I was overlapping
the pursing buttermilk nest

adorned with fervor

halcyon and willing away
the greedy melancholy

beckoning subdual
and plummeting for you

(Sorry... it's almost midnight here and I just wrote this... Lol. I can barely keep my eyes open, so if it's like, crappy, it's probably because I'm too tired to even think straight, let alone type so.)

((To explain the - 2 in the title, this is the second poem in a poem story that I'm writing. The first one is called "The Crime - 1" viewtopic.php?t=67953. Located also in my Portfolio in the folder, "The Story."))

Hey, there, Hibiscus. Nice poem. Really nice. The first stanza starts off catching you; getting you (the reader) hooked, so that's awesome, and you have some really nice metaphors that I wish I could think of.

But unfortunately, there are nitpicks, yes:
Starting grammar wise,

then rang my arms
out to the obscurity

needs to begin with a capitalized "T."

I was aiming
to comprise a rhythm of breaths
my piano fingers
dabbing down to trace
the creamy pelt

After "Breaths" you need a comma, other wise it doesn't make sense, and flow easy, which any poem of course needs.

the sifting fibers on my skin
that simply bowed

Again this needs to starts with a capitalized "T."

...the pursing buttermilk nest
adorned with fervor
halcyon and willing away...

Comma after "Fervor"; remember that your listing things.

beckoning subduement
and plummeting for you ]

"B" should be capitalized. "Subduement" isn't a word, try "Subdual."

This was a really nice poem: it tells a story very neatly, with metaphors that make sense and fit, the ending stanza was a nice touch to the plot, and you even gave a feel of comfort through the words. Really good job, keep writing, and PM me for any help, or etc.

Hi Hibiscus. I think this poem is cute.

Hibiscus wrote:I was chasing
a fading light
as it gushed away
in an showering
sunset

Creativefreak pointed out some good parts. So all I have to say it that the "an" doesn't sound quite right.
PM me if you need help with something.
~Ladypurple.

Yes, this poem is very good for someone who was half asleep at the time of writing! I do though, have a few criticisms. First of all, the grammar. Second of all, the punctuation. Luckily, these are easy things to fix. Keep on writing, you have a talent!

~Lindsay
"Without order, nothing can exist. Without chaos, nothing can evolve." -Anonymous

Hibiscus --

Fantastic job here. A fine poem. I envy poets who manage to say so much in stanzas so small. Or, who are at least comfortable with such slender poems, keeping lines short, impacting, powerful.

I was chasing
a fading light
as it gushed away
in an showering
sunset

So, I didn't care for this stanza so much. I wasn't roped in until later in the poem. Taken individually, there is nothing striking or colorful about the wording, and the image is hazy, nondescript. Somehow jazz it up a little?

then rang my arms
out to the obscurity

I pay attention here. The wording is twisted to just the right degree. It's a fascinating image, too. I have always been seeking images like this since reading "About Face," by Fanny Howe (I wrap my bones around my head/ Speak through the holes). It's simple, lovely. Arms reaching like bell tolls into unknown places. The wording is natural, and so careful.

I was aiming
to comprise a rhythm of breaths
my piano fingers
dabbing down to trace
the creamy pelt

Lovely opening couplet. This is the point where you've really drawn me in. You have a distinct and very organic way with words. The stanza continues, and I am struck by a particular sensuality. From this point on, the poem hums with a vibrant and pulsating sexiness.

The more I read this piece, the more I am struck by it. Really, a wonderful job. I can't say enough how decidedly and naturally poetic this is. It feels like you're not even trying, and if one were to skim this piece, and not take it word by careful word, I think they'd miss it entirely. It's very subtle. Excellent.

adorned with fervor

halcyon and willing away
the greedy melancholy

I only point these three lines out because I was not struck by them. They did not seem to say anything important. Surely, there is nothing wrong with them, but there is nothing particularly right with them either. They do not seem as inspired as the rest of the piece.

-Kylan