Blank Memories?

In my head I see nothing but four walls all painted black.
I can see every mistake, memory and decision I ever made.
All laid out there like a bad horror film.
Made for everybody to watch and see.
Then once the film is over,
I let them Review it,
Letting them Judge me,
When no one really knows me.
I’m just a lost soul.
Using up air that could be used for the next soul
Who hopefully won’t make the same mistakes.
You only get one chance at life use it wisely.
-
Because there might not be a tomorrow,
So Living here today inhaling and exhaling oxygen is a privilege.
All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before
And just let my imagination go blank.
To where I can’t see black anymore,
But only a shade of white,
White walls,
White floors,
White Ceilings,
And nothing but blank memories.

i like this poem. there were a few mistakes, but over all this is pretty good. i can relae to this poem. i like the meaning in it.

I like the concept of this poem but they have a few things you could adjust to make your poem flow more easily.

dreamergirlbaby wrote:In my head I see nothing but four walls all painted black.
I can see every mistake, memory and decision I ever made.
All laid out there like a bad horror film.
Made for everybody to watch and see.
Then once the film is over,
I let them Review it.
Letting them Judge me, (You didn't need to capitalize the W in When. It's not always needed after each comma.)
when no one really knows me.
I’m just a lost soul.
Using up air that could be used for the next soul. (Period (.) You don't want to make this a run-on sentence.)
Who hopefully won’t make the same mistakes.
You only get one chance at life use it wisely.

(Now, you don't want to make this look like a poem you just made up out of the blue.)
-
Because there might not be a tomorrow,
So Living here today inhaling and exhaling oxygen is a privilege.
All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before
And just let my imagination go blank.
To where I can’t see black anymore,
but only a shade of white. (period (.) so it can pause unlike a comma. Just to stop it there dramatically.)
White walls, white floors, white ceilings... (ceilings didn't have to be capitalized.)



And nothing but blank memories.

Edge of the irony a little, let it spark the imagination. As for imagery, it wasn't too good but overall I liked this poem. Sorry for being so picky. Keep writing!

There seemed to be quite a bit of talk about respiration there eh? It seemed a bit overdone in that area in my opinion, it seemed too rough, especially "Inhaling and exhaling oxygen" I liked the thoughts that were displayed through the words, a bit more emotion wouldn't have hurt, but I like your bit of imagery, sometimes imagery can be hard. It seemed a bit ramble-y at times, especially when it talked about it seeming like your life was being portrayed like a movie for all to see, and then it rambles on about that subject, and that made it seem a bit rough. Don't just toss hope for this poem though, I'd love to see a revised copy of it to review as well, if you ever do get around to it, just message me and I'll take a look at it.

Why are some verbs capitalized?

You repeat some words in endings. Are you trying to hard for things to rhyme? For different word choices, check out a thesaurus for synonyms.

I really like the beginning and ending, but the middle needs some work. Maybe a bit of revising?

In the second stanza, in the second line, I think you should take out, "Inhaling and exhaling oxygen", so it would just be, "So Living here today is a privilege."

I love your ending!

So basically, from this review, I hope you can drag out some positive and negative comments. Please revise!

~Lindsay
"Adversity is the first path to truth." ~Lord Byron