Breathe in, breathe out.

The words you said to me,
They couldn't set me free.
My past is lingering,
What I did is killing me.
Now I'm stuck here in this life I didn't ask for.

Why do I deny the things that burn inside?
I can't face myself, or what I have turned into.
I fooled everyone, now what will I become?
I have to forget the past, and start over.
If only I could start over.

I'm learning to fall,
If only I could get the strength to stand up again.
There must be something more,
Than what I feel inside.
With all the masks I wore,
I never knew what I had in store.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I like this.

I like this because it's very derect, and i feel like I can relate to this.

I'm gonna look at more of your work now:)

aww thanks! XD

Hi, I think this poem has real potential, there are just a couple of things that you need to do to make it brilliant.

The words you said to me,

Your first line really needs to grab the reader, and this isn’t as powerful as it possibly could be. You need to make us read on, give us a taste of what’s to come.

They couldn't set me free.

Nice, but a little clichéd. The idea of presenting freedom in this way is used a lot, but I think that this poem is different, so you need to show us this. Maybe if you described how you felt when they failed to free you, it would work better.

My past is lingering,
What I did is killing me. < This is good, it intrigues us, but you don’t tell us what ‘it’ is!
Now I'm stuck here in this life I didn't ask for. < No one asks for life, is this line really necessary? I don’t see what it adds to the poem.

Why do I deny the things that burn inside? < What things? We want to know!
I can't face myself, or what I have turned into. < What have you turned into?
I fooled everyone, now what will i become? < How did you fool them? Also, capitalise the ‘i’.
I have to forget the past, and start over.
If only I could start over. < I like the repetition here, it has a sense of desperation, which is what I feel you’re going for with this poem.

I'm learning to fall, < Why are you learning to fall? Surely you’d learn not to fall? Unless you’re learning to be less uptight or scared, but if that’s so, then make it clear.
If only I could get the strength to stand up again.
There must be something more,
then what I feel inside. < Than, not then.
With all the masks I wore,
I never knew what I had in store.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out. < I like this, it’s a good way to end this poem.

I think that your main problem is being too vague. You don’t expand on the things you include. This can work, but you’d need to really portray all the emotions you feel very vividly. You can solve this problem by just going through the poem and asking yourself “How does this add to my poem?” if it doesn’t, take it out. Then you need to go through and make sure that each word is laden with emotion or meaning. The last two lines, in my opinion, were brilliant, but they could fit better with the poem, you just jump suddenly to it. If you build the poem up around a single idea, possibly the breathing, it will be a lot more focused. I you just add little bits to link to it, they would feel a lot better placed.

Moving between stanzas feels a little jumpy, you need to make sure they’re linked in some way, because within each stanza, it flows well. Also, another thing that could break up the flow of a poem is capitalising the first letter of every line, unless it’s a proper noun of course!

The masks idea was brought in only briefly, but I think that is a really good section of the poem, but it’s just brushed over. However, what I do like about this poem is that there is a feeling of redemption throughout, and it’s written fairly well already, so if you make a few changes, I know it will be brilliant.

However, I am only one person, and I can see that you have gained a fan with this piece, so don’t feel obliged to change anything. Hope this helps!

~Roon

Hey KAH,

I really, really enjoyed this poem. Someone said it was very direct, I agree with that. It was so straightforward and wasn't confusing! You got the message out and I loved it and the story this poem told. I think maybe this person could be exploring their inner emotions more to add more depth to the poem. And, you must like rhyming, but maybe leave out the rhyming in this poem, it would do nicely without it.

But I really loved this. Taking a glimpse into the darkness of one's self. Really good. Best wishes!

RedLeaf