The last day

She sits in her seat, unable to refrain from gazing over at his empty desk. She can’t focus on the teacher’s lesson. She doesn’t hear the whispers, which suck all the oxygen from the air around her. None of this breaks trance brought on by her on self-loathing. Her scrambled thoughts are in a distant place, deep within the inner sanctum of her mind.

Maybe she should have taken him seriously, or maybe she should have told someone. She’d heard the desperation in his voice, and seen his pain written in red on the insides of his wrists. She couldn’t understand this, but it never bothered her, at least, not till now.

She knew he thought about it, but had no idea how often, or how serious he truly was. The thought of him actually going through with it hurt too much, so she pushed it out of her mind.

They’d been best friends for the last year, but they were closer than anyone could possibly see. He trusted her with everything. She did her best to be his everything. There wasn’t a secret he wouldn’t share. There wasn’t a problem she had he wouldn’t hear. Even though she wanted their friendship to be something more, she never said anything.

And now, she thought, will I ever get the chance?

Her mind slipped to that call the night before. She knew something was wrong the second she picked up the phone. He said he wanted a way out, for it all to be over. It wasn’t the first time he’d suggested this, but he’d never actually said it before. The realization of his words hit her like a brick wall, sending a chill up her spine. She tried to talk him out of it, and she thought she had.

And now, as she sat in her first hour math class, she can feel the stares of her classmates on the back of her neck. She knows they can’t know anything, but they can see it in her expression. They can tell something’s wrong by the way she hasn’t spoken a word all hour.

Her vision is suddenly blurred, and the knot in her throat tightens. A single tear glides down her cheek. The voices around her grow, her trance is broken. She stays silent, letting the tears flow. The teacher stops his lecture, trying to quiet the room.
“Is there a problem?” He asks the class. She doesn’t look up, she couldn’t if she tried. The classroom door creaks open as though someone was trying to sneak through. “Mr. Thompson,” the teacher says, “so glad you decided to join us today.” The mentioning of the name makes her think she’s imagining it.

“I had a dentist appointment.” The familiar voice forces her eyes up. He hands the teacher an office slip before sliding into the empty seat. He turns around, offering her a brief smile. She tries to smile back, but feels too foolish to do more than wipe her cheeks dry.

All at once she makes a decision; she won’t let herself feel that way again. She won’t let him go; she won’t let him give up. Sure, she was lucky this time, but what about next time? What if he goes over the edge? She decides to tell him everything, including what she realized only moments ago. She tries to focus on the teacher’s words, only to find her mind wondering. Wondering how she could let all those little remarks go, thinking they meant nothing. The bell rings, breaking her thoughts. She gathers her books and hurries into the hall after him.

“Tyler, wait up.” She calls. He turns around, meeting her eyes.

“Sup Katy?” he says.

“I need to talk you at lunch.” She says.

“Alright, well I’ll see you in fourth hour.” He says turning to walk away. She smiles before heading to her locker; her head filled with things she always wanted to say, but never got the chance, until now.

This is great! That was a total twist at the end. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was sure this was going to be a tragic story of hopelessness and grief, but you really turned it around well. It shows us how we let go of our first chances too often, and how often we regret missing that oppurtunity. Your ending here was very original.
The only thing I could criticize was the sensitivity of her classmates. Are they really so aware of her facial expression that they start to suspect something's up? Also, why would Tyler look for a way out? What was going on that he would say something like that? An abusive parent? A bully? Just some background to be filled in.
Well done.

Hmm. Until I got to the twist, I was prepared to give you the generic spiel about why suicide stories and grieving friends are clichéd and unoriginal. And, while the surprise in the middle was an improvement from what I expected, I still felt like the story was lacking. She worries for nothing, and so what enlightening theme has the reader come away with? "Make use of a second chance", maybe, but it hardly seemed like a second chance. We don't know these characters. When you start with a "suicide" and try to convince us to care about it, it's difficult because we've never seen these people before.

I suggest lengthening this, firstly, and moving the twist to the very end. Have you read The Necklace? You should. It's a good example of a twist thrown in right at the end. Since you've been worrying along with the characters for the entire duration of the story, you've raised the stakes high enough that the ending comes as a major "WHOA" moment. You could utilize this for your story. Make us care about Tyler and Katy. Otherwise it's like, "Aw, I think he killed himself...(five seconds later)...oops, no, false alarm, yippee!" And we're just not buying it.

You also might want to add some more substance here. Right now it's all this introspective, apathetic worrying, and it's making your story gloomy and sluggish. Nothing happens until he walks in. She's depressed, okay. I understand. But if you can take her anger and sadness and funnel that into something action-y or dialogue-y for the readers to follow, it'll be more interesting. Read this article on Showing vs Telling, which you can use here. Don't just tell us that she's worried and depressed and having worried and depressed thoughts-- have her do something to show us this.

All in all, I really do like the idea, and if executed a bit better, this could be a fantastic story with a nice uplifting twist. But you need to build that suspense before you can expect us to care or be very relieved. Best of luck, and PM me for anything you need.

~Evi

Hey the screamandshout. Here to review as requested!


The beginning is quite capturing as you didn’t reveal too much of the story and it leaves you thinking: what is she thinking about and why is it so distracting? Great! However, it wasn’t a very interesting paragraph in terms of you told instead of showing. I agree with Evi in saying read that article about it.

I felt quite bad for Katy in the first portion of the story, as I thought that she had missed her chance with Tyler. I thought that you had a great few first paragraphs about Katy and the way she felt. In the end I felt quite good for her, and the story to find that it wasn’t your everyday cliché ending that a lot of stories have. So this piece successful in stirring up emotions in the reader.

It read and flowed quite well, but after a while I found your sentences tedious. They weren’t different at all and you really could improve on that. This piece held my attention all the way through as I really wanted to know what happens at the end.

I found Katy’s character quite believable but sometimes over the top. I understand that she is really depressed, but you repeated it far too many times. Although a realistic character, not many people can relate to her. I like that you kept her personality consistent, as some authors change it.

Overall I did enjoy the plot line; it was quite original and suspenseful. However, I felt that some things were unclear, like sometimes I didn’t know what exactly was happening, but maybe that’s just me.

Hope I helped!

~Tamara

Hey screamandshout, Flower here as requested. I will start by going over almost all of the paragraphs and talking about them.


[quote="screamandshout"]She sits in her seat, unable to refrain from gazing over at his empty desk. She can’t focus on the teacher’s lesson. She doesn’t hear the whispers, which suck all the oxygen from the air around her. None of this breaks the trance brought on by her on self-loathing. Her scrambled thoughts are in a distant place, deep within the inner sanctum of her mind. In all I found this hard to read. It isn't really a weird beginning, but it does need some word. I would suggest adding something like her walking to class. About how she was already worrying, and then she finally got to class, and he didn't show up. Then work on more description. Have her scanning the class for him, and show how this disappointed her.

Maybe she should have taken him seriously, or maybe she should have told someone. She’d heard the desperation in his voice, and seen his pain written in red on the insides of his wrists. She couldn’t understand this, but it never bothered her, at least, not till now. [b][b]This sounds more like a poem to me. Add description, why does he cut, why does he want to die?
She knew he thought about it, but had no idea how often, or how serious he truly was. The thought of him actually going through with it hurt too much, so she pushed it out of her mind. Add some emotion to it. Add some bigger words that describe the emotion she is feeling, or maybe just a metaphor.
They’d been best friends for the last year, but they were closer than anyone could possibly see. He trusted her with everything. She did her best to be his everything. There wasn’t a secret he wouldn’t share. There wasn’t a problem she had he wouldn’t hear. Even though she wanted their friendship to be something more, she never said anything.

And now, she thought, will I ever get the chance? She thought doesn't need to be in italics.

Her mind slipped to that call the night before. She knew something was wrong the second she picked up the phone. He said he wanted a way out, for it all to be over. It wasn’t the first time he’d suggested this, but he’d never actually said it before. The realization of his words hit her like a brick wall, sending a chill up her spine. She tried to talk him out of it, and she thought she had.

And now, as she sat in her first hour math class, she can feel the stares of her classmates on the back of her neck. She knows they can’t know anything, but they can see it in her expression. They can tell something’s wrong by the way she hasn’t spoken a word all hour. I would suggest saying she could feel the stares.

Her vision is suddenly blurred, and the knot in her throat tightens. A single tear glides down her cheek. The voices around her grow, her trance is broken. She stays silent, letting the tears flow. The teacher stops his lecture, trying to quiet the room.
“Is there a problem?” He asks the class. She doesn’t look up, she couldn’t if she tried. The classroom door creaks open as though someone was trying to sneak through. “Mr. Thompson,” the teacher says, “so glad you decided to join us today.” The mentioning of the name makes her think she’s imagining it. She should be feeling great surprise, and there is no emotion to this line.
“I had a dentist appointment.” The familiar voice forces her eyes up. He hands the teacher an office slip before sliding into the empty seat. He turns around, offering her a brief smile. She tries to smile back, but feels too foolish to do more than wipe her cheeks dry.


Ok. Well all in all it was an okay story. It didn't really have much description at all, which kind of ruined it for me. I think that we need a better backdrop on the characters, because as of right now we cant relate to them at all. I think you should tell us why he wants out. I mean why does he want to die? Why does he cut?

I, like I said above, think you should start the story before she is sitting in the desk. Make it start with her going to school, thinking about the call. Reminisce the call, and give us some details about what happened to him.

The only other thing I have to comment on is the tense of the story. It seems to drop from past tense to present a lot. I think you need to pick one. Present tense is very hard to write in, so I don't know what you would want to do.

Good luck! If you need me pm me, or you can post on my review for food thread.

Hey scream first of all my deepest apologies for being kind of late reviewing this, I've had a lot on and have sadly been neglecting YWS recently. But on the other hand, here I am! Promises to give it my best shot. Okay, this is how we're going to do this:

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Parts I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

screamandshout wrote:She sits/sat in her seat, unable to refrain from gazing over at his empty desk.

Although this is a good strong opening paragraph, I couldn't help but think... Sitting, what a boring opening scenario. Perhaps you could move this first line down slightly, or maybe just rephrase it a little. We don't necessarily have to be told that she's sitting straight away, if thats what she is. She could possibly be entering the classroom with the other students? The possibilites are endless.

She can’t focus on the teacher’s lesson. She doesn’t hear the whispers, which suck all the oxygen from the air around her. None of this breaks the trance brought on by her on/own self-loathing. Her scrambled thoughts are in a distant place, deep within the inner sanctum of her mind.

Maybe she should have taken him seriously, or maybe she should have told someone. She’d heard the desperation in his voice, and seen his pain written in red on the insides of his wrists. She couldn’t understand this, but it never bothered her, at least, not till now.

In a way I'm thinking, why didn't this bother her? At the end of this piece it seems like she has deeper feelings for him than just friendship, of course if you were reading this for the first time you wouldn't make the connection. So maybe I'm being nitpicky, ignore me if I am. Maybe you could show just how deep those feelings run a little early on.

She knew he thought about it, but had no idea how often, or how serious he truly was. The thought of him actually going through with it hurt too much, so she pushed it out of her mind.

They’d been best friends for the last year, but they were closer than anyone could possibly see. He trusted her with everything. She did her best to be his everything. There wasn’t a secret he wouldn’t share. There wasn’t a problem she had he wouldn’t hear. Even though she wanted their friendship to be something more, she never said anything.

And now, she thought, will I ever get the chance?

Her mind slipped to that call the night before. She knew something was wrong the second she picked up the phone. He said he wanted a way out, for it all to be over. It wasn’t the first time he’d suggested this, but he’d never actually said it before. The realization of his words hit her like a brick wall/a ton of bricks, sending a chill up her spine. She tried to talk him out of it, and she thought she had.

And now, as she sat in her first hour math class, she can feel the stares of her classmates on the back of her neck. She knows they can’t know anything, but they can see it in her expression. They can tell something’s wrong by the way she hasn’t spoken a word all hour.

Her vision is suddenly blurred, and the knot in her throat tightens. A single tear glides down her cheek. The voices around her grow, her trance is broken. She stays silent, letting the tears flow. The teacher stops his lecture, trying to quiet/silence the room.
“Is there a problem?” He asks the class. She doesn’t look up, she couldn’t if she tried. The classroom door creaks open as though someone was trying to sneak through. “Mr. Thompson,” the teacher says, “so glad you decided to join us today.” The mentioning of the name makes her think she’s imagining it.

“I had a dentist appointment.” The familiar voice forces her eyes up. He hands the teacher an office slip before sliding into the empty seat. He turns around, offering her a brief smile. She tries to smile back, but feels too foolish to do more than wipe her cheeks dry.

All at once she makes a decision; she won’t let herself feel that way again. She won’t let him go; she won’t let him give up. Sure, she was lucky this time, but what about next time? What if he goes over the edge? She decides to tell him everything, including what she realized only moments ago. She tries to focus on the teacher’s words, only to find her mind wondering/wandering. Wondering how she could let all those little remarks go, thinking they meant nothing. The bell rings, breaking her thoughts. She gathers her books and hurries into the hall after him.

“Tyler, wait up.” She calls. He turns around, meeting her eyes.

“Sup Katy?” he says.

“I need to talk you at lunch.” She says.

“Alright, well I’ll see you in fourth hour.” He says turning to walk away. She smiles before heading to her locker; her head filled with things she always wanted to say, but never got the chance, until now.

So like everyone else, I was truly mesmerized by the twist. One I didn't actually notice at first, perhaps I let my eyes skim over the page a little too quickly, or maybe it wasn't definite enough. But on second reading, it was so lovely and subtely done that it didn't matter.

Spelling and Grammar

...was pretty much word perfect, there were a few typos and a few places where I could offer a slightly different variation, but other than that it was very well presented, so well done for that.

Characterisation
...was excellent, however I'm a very visual person. I kind of wanted to know what the MC looked like, physical appearance-wise, and also how the other MC looked too. But this is just me.

Overall
'Sometimes it felt like present...'
Your writing style is impressive, you have a very unique way of painting a scene. The tense was a little confusing, sometimes it felt like present and others it felt like past, so maybe just work on that a little bit. I didn't pick out parts as tense isn't my strong point, I only noticed it the third time I went over it. Other than what I said about being a little more visual about physical appearances, this can go for everything too. The colour of the classroom walls, which I know seems hideously mundane, to the freckle above your MCs friends' lip. Etcetera, etcetera, I only say these things because like I said, for me its all about the visual. But other than that I can't see how I can offer much by way of criticsm, I truly enjoyed it.

Hope this helped, PM me if you have any questions. xo