"Keys in Broken Locks"

This is a tanka sequence... three tanka in a row, forming one poem. c:

However, I had a really difficult time finding a segway between the first and second stanza. It's kind of a jolting feel. I think that it could work though, as the emotions that the first person thing (brainblank, much) is going through. It would be a shock. Anywho.. yeah. Thoughts?:)


"Keys In Broken Locks"


It has been so long
Finding the key to your heart
Took much more effort
Than I thought anything could.
But I have it now, darling.

The key didn’t fit
Into your heart, like I thought.
It just wasn’t right.
So now I’m left sitting here
Wondering where things went wrong.

The rusted lock seemed
Almost broken, as if it
Was unable to love
As locks should be able to.
I’m so sorry for your heart.

i loved your last line.

I’m so sorry for your heart.

it really made the poem click with me, and i agree that the jolt from the first stanza to the second stanza worked. it flowed perfectly, and i loved it! keep writing!

Hey there Persephoneia. I'll be reviewing your poem today!

Persephoneia wrote:I’m so sorry for your heart.

I thought that sounded funny (in a good way.)
I hope you keep writing!
~Ladypurple.

Hi Persephoneia,

I loved the depth and meaning of this poem. It was explain so simply but I got the message. The poem had a smooth and very nice flow, and it worked very well. I'm also going to compliment you on the title of this poem: "Keys in Broken Locks", it fits perfectly with the poem and is a really good title. The title is initially what will draw someone to read your pieces so its pretty important.

One very, very little thing...Add "it" to the beginning of the third line. It'll make it flow better. But maybe that's too small a thing to worry about. Please write more poems, this was beautiful and really good!

Best wishes!

RedLeaf

Hello,
I'm Kasidie Clyde.
The depth and truth in this poem,
has touched me with sincerity,
you are very talented.
I can't wait to read more of your writing.
-Kasidie<3

I really liked this! The last stanza was my favorite, especially

Almost broken, as if it
Was unable to love
As locks should be able to.

I love the metaphor for the lock and heart, it worked very nicely!

Took much more effort

^^ But I do believe there should be an "it" at the beginning of this line. Other than that, I loved it!

Brandi

I liked the whole idea of this poem, the keys and the locked hearts, it's good imagery. But I'm not sure that I actually liked the poem itself.
I felt that you could have done so much with this parallel and these images but you settled for basic. You just stated what you wanted to say, no strong word choice or real emotion. No images other than the initial one. To be frank, it came off as very bland to me. It's just that you could do a lot more with this piece.
Flawless punctuation and spelling.

Happy writing!
Love,
Jade.

This was a new twist to an old story. Like turning a hard core, break up rap, into a poem. Polite, but a punch in the nose.
The last line was pretty awesome. "I'm sorry for your heart" Just really cool. I found the title really interesting too, Keys To Broken Locks, really catchy. Keep up the good work.

That was an awesome poem, like the entire thing was good. I loved how you worded it and just how it jumped off the screen, my favorite line was (It seems like the most popular line):

I’m so sorry for your heart.

Great poem, the entire idea behind it was epic and you just built it into a great poem. It was legen..... wait for it.... dary! Keep Writing!

This was a new twist to an old story. Like turning a hard core, break up rap, into a poem. Polite, but a punch in the nose.
The last line was pretty awesome. "I'm sorry for your heart" Just really cool. I found the title really interesting too, Keys In Broken Locks, really catchy. Keep up the good work.