from High School to College

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It’s the last year of high school for Rose and Adrianna, two best friends who’ve known each other since forever. They can’t believe their high school years are almost over. They’ll have to start thinking about their college applications, their finals and of course, prom and graduation.
Rose was a tall girl with long honey blond hair. She had big blue eyes and was very pretty. Rose was a very shy person, but also very stubborn. Her opinion is what mattered the most. She loved watching old black and white movies and most of all she loved to write. She kept a journal in which she’d write about her thoughts and dreams. She also wrote poems and shorts stories. Her dream job would be working as a journalist for a magazine and of course, she’s always wanted to write a book. Rose’s best friend Adrianna was quite the opposite. She was very outgoing and loud. She loved to be heard and listened to. She was a bit smaller than rose but was still considered as a tall person. She had long light curly brown hair paired up with a set of beautiful green eyes. Adrianna loved arguing, but most of all she loved being right. Later she wants to be a lawyer.
The two girls have been neighbors even before they were born. Since they met they have been inseparable. They had their goals set and in order to achieve their dreams they wanted to attend their dream college, Columbia which was situated in New York. Of course they’d have to move from their home city New Jersey but they had planed it all out already since the start of high school. They would live together in an apartment somewhere in the Upper East Side. They’ve been saving up the money since their first job. They couldn’t wait to move out of their houses and go and explore the world, but of course, they had to convince their parents first. Adrianna’s parents were pretty cool with it, anything to help their girl’s dreams come true. Rose was the one who had to do all the convincing. Her parents wanted her to stay in New Jersey. They told her that she could get a great education at a local college and still be able to achieve her dreams of being a writer. They didn’t see the need to leave the house. Rose was disappointed but she knew that nothing was holding her back here in New Jersey and that she would leave for New York, if she ever got accepted in Columbia that is. She wasn’t about to stay behind and watch Adrianna from a distance accomplishing all these big things.
Senior year was passing by pretty fast. The college applications were sent and so came the time for the interview with the Dean of Admissions of Columbia college. Rose and Adrianna and a few other friends decided to take a road trip on a long week-end to New-York. Rose’s parents agreed on letting her go to the interview but they still hoped she would change her mind and decide to stay in New Jersey.
The interview was stressful for all of them. The Dean was a petite woman in her fifties with some gray strands of hair. She wore glasses and her hair was fashioned in a strict bun. She turned out to be very strict and imposing. The girls could feel that she wanted them to get their answers wrong, she wanted them to flunk the most important interview of their life. But the girls still managed to succeed confidently despite the Dean’s hateful stares. On their way home, all they could think of was the finals approaching.
The acceptance letters finally arrived. Rose got accepted in all her safety colleges but still no letter from Columbia. On the other hand, Adrianna’s letter from Columbia arrived pretty quickly and she was accepted. Rose couldn’t help but worry. What if her letter got lost? What if they completely forgot about her? What if she wasn’t accepted and they decided not to send her any letter at all? Rose will be thinking about that letter night and day. With no answer from Columbia, Rose was resolved to stay in New Jersey and attend a college there. Adrianna suggested that she stays in New Jersey too but Rose couldn’t let her friend make that sacrifice, it was way too big and too important for her. Prom was already long gone and graduation was approaching. Rose was dreading that day because she didn’t want to see all of her friends leave.
After the graduation ceremony, Rose went directly home with her parents, and once there she locked herself in her room and cried. She saw all of her dreams crashing down. In the evening, when she went down stairs to eat supper, her parents said they had something to say to her. The letter from Columbia did come, and she was accepted. They just didn’t want her to find out because they didn’t want her to leave, they were too afraid to lose their precious and only daughter. Rose started crying even more, of anger this time. Her mother got to calm her down and explained that they knew how much Columbia meant for her so they still sent them back a letter saying she was going to attend their college next fall. Rose couldn’t be even happier. She hugged her parents and ran over to Adrianna’s house to tell her the good news. Everything suddenly fell back in place. Her future drew itself quickly in her mind again. She knew what she was going to do and she wasn’t going to have anything stand in her way ever again. She was going to accomplish her dreams. However hard it might be, she was going to do it.
Last edited by charlie1314 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
charlie




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Hi Charlie1314! Welcome to the Young Writers' Society; I hope you will get some good reviews here, and do a bit of reviewing yourself, too. Just a hint: due to YWS's PDF format, you need to hit "Enter" two times before each paragraph. Unfortunately, you would need to use HTML tags to make indents, and most of us don't really feel like taking the time or trouble to type them in.

First things first, I'll go through and edit some things in red ...

charlie1314 wrote:“Leave me alone!” I yelled at him, wiping my tears away. I was running down the street far away from that party, far away from him. I couldn’t believe what I just witnessed. I saw him kissing another girl. He was now running after me, trying to bring me to my senses and explain what had happened. I didn’t want to listen to any of it; I saw everything with my own eyes and I wasn’t stupid, I knew what it looked like.
“Charlie, please wait!” he said while running to catch up to me.
I turned around, for a moment that seemed like only seconds, and stared at him. He was only a few feet away from me, trying to catch his breath.
“I hate you” I said, trying to speak through my tears. “I thought you loved me.” I said, sobbing now.
Without looking back, I ran, not noticing all the cars on the road. I heard him scream my name, and felt him running towards me. Then, I saw the front lights of a big truck heading towards where we were. I felt him pushing me away and then I heard a big bang. (A car hitting a person wouldn't make that big of a bang. It would be like more of a thud.) The car that was driving towards me hit him. He was lying motionless on the ground, with blood everywhere. I started screaming. I think it was the only time I screamed so loud. Somebody called an ambulance and they soon came to take him away on stretchers.
“No!” I screamed. “Nicolas! No!” They took me too. I couldn’t stop screaming and shaking, and I had bruises covering my arms and my knees. I don’t remember much after that, just a lot of screaming and the sirens of an ambulance car.
I couldn’t stop blaming myself for what happened. It was my fault. If I hadn't reacted the way I did and ran away, you wouldn’t have chased after me. The truck should have run over me. I should have been the one who died. It should have been me.


Well. This has the potential to be a very nice story. I think it just needs a little bit of tidying up.

You say in the fourth paragraph that you heard him scream your name and felt him running towards you. How can you feel someone running towards you? Perhaps you could try showing and not telling. If you said, "He screamed my name," then it would be implied that you heard him scream it. Otherwise, how would you know it in order to narrate it?

Try adding more description, and maybe a bit more about how this whole shenanigan started. Keep writing! If you do, this story could go from good to great!




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WOW. While the story was only a few paragraphs long, with minor dialogue, it has an impact. No one likes to entertain the idea of causing another's death, and guilt is a heavy burden. The only issue I had was minor grammatical errors that tickled my inner future English teacher: Fix those, and you have a nice piece on survivor's guilt. PM me if you have any questions. :) And great job!
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Wow. That was extremely sad. I hope this isn't true..if it is, I'm really sorry.

Well, onto the review. There are some parts where your descriptions are prety weak, like when you say:

'I saw him kissing another girl.'

You could say something a lot more heart-wrenching; make us feel for your character. I think that, even though it's pretty cliche, you should give us more about Nicholas, like flashbacks. This could be a really great short story but right now, it's very short. Grammar was perfect, same wih spelling. I hope I got everything :)

~Jas

P.S. Welcome to YWS!
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Hello there!

I think you have much more up to your sleeve than what you're offering right here, Charlie. This has potential and I feel so sorry if ever this is real. Now to the story...

The pace is a bit fast, maybe because due to the fact that this is short and it didn't really give me much time to feel what really your main character is feeling through her perspective. You lack emotions all over the place and you do most of the telling part. I have to say that this is a bit cliche' but like I said, I know you can make this into a really good story if you've written this pretty well and spice this up a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't feel bad, if ever that was what supposed to be I'm feeling towards the story. And I would like also to suggest that you give more details into it and also try to make the relationship between the two characters more evident and realistic. Are the two dating or are they just friends? Something like that.

Somebody called an ambulance and they soon came to take him away on stretchers.


Again, try to show more and lessen on telling.

Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Welcome to YWS! :)

I think this story has great potential. Although it was only a short couple of paragraphs, it was still very good. Some things could be stretched out though, put more description into things. :D
Keep writing!
Born xx
:D




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Hi there!

This is a very sad story. I love the concept. It's interesting that you kept it short. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I'm not sure you need to lengthen it, since the main event took place in a few paragraphs. However, I'm just wondering whether this story would be more powerful if the readers had more back story and knew the characters better. Right now, the story is about a girl breaking away from her boyfriend who runs after her and gets hit by a car and dies. It isn't a story about Charlie and Nicholas, since I don't really know what these people are like. Right now, they're just names. I also can't feel Charlie's pain because I don't really understand the dynamics of the relationship between Nicholas and her. You need to get your readers to feel that pain, to cry and lament with Charlie. Despite these details, the story is still sad. But, by adding these details you can make this a tragic story, rather than just a sad one. If you're satisfied with the way it is, simple and sad, then leave it as it is. But if you want something more powerful, you need to add more details and give us more back story. Note: the back story should not be in the form of an info-dump. Rather, let us see the characters interact. What were Charlie and Nicholas like before she caught him cheating? I feel if we know that, the ending will be even sadder.
I hope I was helpful.

Good luck! :)
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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