Unknown Love- A Romantic Short Story.

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Okay, so this is the first short story I have finished and not said Eww. I would appreciate it if you would be generous with the corrections because... well I don't take correction very well. But that's what I'm here to fix. Some suggestions, grammar corrections, um and comments are very well appreciated. I'll update weekly, there are fifteen chapters plus an epilogue. So, here we are, Unknown Love Chapter 1! :D :D

Chapter 1: New Town, Same as the Old Town.

~ Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. ~
~Dave Mustaine~

Vanessa Griffin packed her plaid messenger bag slowly. Notebooks, pens, her new schedule, everything she’d need for the coming day. She stared at the bright orange digital clock that rested on her oak bookshelf. It was 6:00 AM.
Going to a new school had become a habit for Vanessa, because her family moved around so much. Her dad promised that they’d stay in Douglas for a while, yet Vanessa could never be sure. No matter how many times the Griffin family moved it was always really hard. She had to leave behind all of her hard earned friends, her home, pack it all up, and move it elsewhere. Now here they were, Douglas, Michigan. Not only had they lived in Douglas five years before, but her parents had enrolled her in Douglas Preparatory School, which was about a quarter of a mile away, meaning she had to walk. And because this was prep school, it also meant wearing a uniform. But going to Douglas prep meant seeing her close friends Shiloh and Kendra.
“Vanessa! Hurry Up! You have to leave soon!” her mother’s voice sounded from downstairs. Vanessa sighed. Then she snatched up her bag and attempted to straighten the wrinkled pleats on her skirt. Then she shut off the small table lamp, and she left her newly unpacked room, unaware of the adventure waiting to unfold.
******
Vanessa walked down the musty streets of downtown Douglas. Stray cats purred lights of the many small shops and restaurants were dimmed. It had changed a lot in the five years she’d been gone. At 6:45 in the morning, it was even scarier, because the sun was only just now coming up on the horizon, making the shadows extend farther than normal. She noticed several students making there way into a large school building, which from Vanessa’s point of view; seemed like a million miles away. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she was cut off by two boys. One of the boys had red hair in a buzz cut, a well groomed goatee, and he wore a boy casual uniform, consisting of a white and orange short sleeved polo shirt and nice black shorts. The second boy had black hair in a ponytail tied at his neck; he also wore a casual uniform.
“Well, well, well, what have we here, a hot new girl? Don’t see many of those around here anymore do we Aaron?” The red headed boy asked the other one.
“No we don’t Toby,” the other boy, “Aaron” replied. Both boys reached for her. Vanessa braced herself, her messenger bag dropped to the ground with a loud thump. She did her best to stay away from “Toby and Aaron”. Toby grabbed Vanessa’s upper arms and began to lift her into the air. Vanessa squirmed and squealed, she attempted to break free. Her eyes squeezed shut. She made a quiet whimpering noise and prepared for the worst.
“HEY!” another strange voice called out. Vanessa’s eyes shot open. She attempted to turn her head, but she didn’t have to, because all of a sudden, “Aaron” dropped to the ground, a medium size instrument case landed on the ground by his head. A tall boy wearing another casual boy’s uniform with an orange hooded sweatshirt that had an eagle on it casually walked over and retrieved the case. Toby let go of Vanessa’s upper arms, and she dropped to the ground, landing on her butt next to her bag on the sidewalk. Toby began running down the sidewalk. The boy chased after him. She watched as the strange boy punched Toby square in the nose, sending him to the edge of the sidewalk near where Aaron was moaning and coming to his senses. The boy made his way over and grabbed Toby by the collar, pulling him up so their faces were inches apart.
“How dare you assault her like that!” he hissed. Vanessa reached out her arm to calm down the strange boy, but she immediately shrunk back. Toby’s eyes were wide. Vanessa noticed that he was trembling. The boy dropped Toby’s shirt. Toby quickly helped Aaron up and they ran off towards the school building. The strange boy made his way over to Vanessa and held out his hand.
“Don’t worry about them,” he said with a chuckle. “They’re drunk half the time anyways.” Vanessa grabbed the stranger’s hand and pulled herself up.
“I could have handled it,” Vanessa said, brushing off her skirt and swinging her bag over her shoulder.
“So I observed while you were dangling in midair,” the boy said. “My name’s Riley by the way.” Another boy came running up the sidewalk.
“Riley! What happened?” he cried.
“Toby and Aaron happened,” Riley replied. He turned to face Vanessa. “What’s your name?” he asked.
“I’m Vanessa, I just moved here a few days ago,” she said. Riley reached out and helped brush off Vanessa’s elbows and skirt.
“Nice to meet you Vanessa, I’m David,” the boy said. Riley rolled his eyes.
“Well, if you are ok, we’ll be off then,” Riley said. Vanessa nodded.
“Thank you,” Vanessa said, watching as David and Riley walked off towards the school. She noticed that her hands were scraped from landing on the sidewalk. She sighed, then she ran off towards the school herself.
Vanessa walked into the high school portion of the building. Girls and boys all wore their orange, white, and blue uniforms. Freshmen were talking to staff members about where their classes were. Vanessa opened her bag and took out the schedule that she had packed only an hour earlier. Homeroom, English with Hemm. That shouldn’t be so hard to find, Vanessa thought to herself. She walked around the 3rd floor searching for names on doors, or room numbers, but she had no such luck. All of a sudden, Vanessa saw someone she knew.
“Kendra?” Vanessa called out to the familiar blonde standing by the door to the 3rd floor pool.
“Ness?” Kendra asked turning around to face Vanessa.
“Kendra! I missed you so much!” Vanessa cried, hugging her friend.
“You didn’t tell me you were moving in this week! What a great surprise!” Kendra said.
“Strange, I thought I did,” Vanessa stated. Kendra rolled her eyes. A familiar voice made both girls turn. She saw Riley and David talking to a security guard.
“I wonder what that is all about,” Vanessa said. Kendra put her hand on her chin. She turned towards Vanessa.
“You know them?” Kendra asked.
“Yeah I met them this morning, wait, what is that security guard doing to him?” Vanessa asked. Kendra stared at the boys down the hall.
“Maybe he did something,” Kendra said. Vanessa watched as the guard escorted Riley down the hall.
“Well that doesn’t make much sense… it’s only the first day of school,” Vanessa stated, placing her hands on her hips. The girls continued to watch. Just then, David came running up to Kendra and Vanessa.
“Vanessa! Riley’s been arrested!” he cried.
“He’s been WHAT?” Vanessa said.
“Yeah, apparently someone turned him in for assault,” David said.
“How is that possible?” Kendra asked.
“Hell if I know, but he’s going to be suspended unless he pleads not guilty in the teen court!” David said.
“Wait… this school has a teen court?” Vanessa asked.
Future Band Teachers of America UNITE!!! I guess it would be called FBTOA then...




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Ello' and welcome to YWS. I, right here, is Pink and I'll be doing a review for you :)
Let's begin!

Vanessa Griffin packed her plaid messenger bag slowly. Notebooks, pens, her new schedule, everything she’d need for the coming day. She stared at the bright orange digital clock that rested on her oak bookshelf. It was 6:00 AM.

For me, this is a tasteless opener. I would suggest something more vivid and surprising to catch attention. I understand that could be difficult to do... Just opening up with someone packing slowly is kind of bland.

Going to a new school had become a habit for Vanessa, because her family moved around so much.

I wonder why they move around so much. It'd be nice if you explained it earlier but if it's something else I guess I could wait and find out haha.

“Vanessa! Hurry Up! You have to leave soon!” her mother’s voice sounded from downstairs.

I would use a different word besides sounded. It's just my opinion though.

Vanessa sighed. Then she snatched up her bag and attempted to straighten the wrinkled pleats on her skirt. Then she shut off the small table lamp, and she left her newly unpacked room, unaware of the adventure waiting to unfold.

Okay I noticed you continuously used Vanessa did that then this and she did that and this. Vary them up.
She snatched up her bag and attempted to straighten the wrinkles on her skirt. Shutting off the table lamp, she left her newly unpacked room.
I would also omit the 'unaware of the adventure' thing because we already know something is going to happen to her.

Stray cats purred lights of the many small shops and restaurants were dimmed.

This sentence doesn't make sense to me.

“No we don’t Toby,” the other boy, “Aaron” replied.

Comma after No and don't. Also, we already know the other guy is Aaron so you could just deleted the quoted "Aaron" part, leaving just "-we don't, Toby," Aaron replied. I don't understand why you keep quoting this.

She did her best to stay away from “Toby and Aaron”. Toby grabbed Vanessa’s upper arms and began to lift her into the air. Vanessa squirmed and squealed, she attempted to break free. Her eyes squeezed shut. She made a quiet whimpering noise and prepared for the worst.

Okay, why would random guys just do this? I know boys can be a little, you know, but in this case it seems very unrealistic and it can be considered sexual harassment. Why not just poke her shoulder or something more subtle, pick at her with words instead of action. It seemed like you wanted her to get into this situation so the main guy can show up and save her but think things through a bit clearly. Why this? Why now? Maybe later, maybe at a party when they're all drunk and it makes a little more sense?

“How dare you assault her like that!” he hissed.

You use too many exclamation marks. You don't need that if you're going to tell us he hissed.
"How dare you assault her like that," he hissed.

“Don’t worry about them,” he said with a chuckle. “They’re drunk half the time anyways.” Vanessa grabbed the stranger’s hand and pulled herself up.

Huh? How can he say that, she was almost assaulted and he tells her NOT to worry? I'm sorry but it's a bit unrealistic and odd.

Another boy came running up the sidewalk.

You keep saying other boy, this boy, that boy. Use names, using too many boys will make us readers confused as to who you're talking about.

Well, I'm done nitpicking! :)
*****

Overall

Alright, so the beginning was a bit cliche with the whole new school and cute guys saves damsel in distress thing. I looked that over though because the ending was quite surprising. I though he was ratting the other guys out, apparently not. I would say that I can't connect with your character much because she barely did anything but I'm sure we'll get to know her more once the story begins to progress. I honestly wish you did give us more information about her life and a tiny glimpse of what kind of person she is and what her motives are. If we know what she wants, it's easier for use to root for her, you know? Well, your grammar was well done besides the fact that you over use words and punctuation marks. Note the things I said before.

Most of your actions go on unexplained. Why did she move? What's the reason? Why did those boys attack her like that, especially near school grounds? Anyway, Riley seems like one of those cool characters so I like him the best. But he fight scene was weird, I don't like guys who fight when it's not needed. Sure they're cool when defended you and all but I think it's even cooler when they scare the pants off someone without even raising a finger. All in the eyes, lass, all in the eyes. Anyway, that's just me.

All in all, I think you should work on making your characters more realistic and think before you write. Does this make sense? Can this happen in real life? If I were her, what would I do, what questions would I ask? Anyways I really liked the ending, it was surprising. I'm sure a good editing session will fix the other matters and this might just be an interesting piece. I spend an awful lot of time on this review so hopefully it helps you in some way. Keep writing!
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hello and welcome to YWS! I don't think this story is very realistic. I mean a teen court at a school? Two guys attacking the new girl? It just didn't seem like a story I would like to read since I can't connect to it in any way. But it is only your first chapter, so I would be glad to read on, because you can't tell much about a story from the first chapter! So I will defiantly read more, I do want to see what happens in the teen court! Sorry if I sound harsh! I don't mean to :/

-KAH
Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.




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An interesting beginning. Although ... a teen court? Hmm.

Plot: 7/10
The plot was mildly interesting. Your story could have been opened up a lot more interestingly than just a girl packing up her bag. Also, the conflict was quite uninteresting and unbelievable, even though it is a fictional story. I'm sure the plot will be expanded in the next part of the story.
Characters: 6/10
I can't really tell what Vanessa's personality is like. You need to develop it, even if it is the first part of a longer story. During the scene where she is attacked, you didn't give the readers any description of what she was feeling. Was she scared, cynical, confident maybe? Lay out her traits and characteristics on a separate document or piece of paper, then decide which ones to show in your story chronologically.
Syntax, word choice and punctuation: 7/10
No major problems here. I'm not going to nitpick, but I felt that you could have described things a lot more vividly. Use a thesaurus -- it helps. I noticed a tendency for you to write "Then, she ..." and "And then she ..." "Then there was ...". There are different ways to start sentences.
Theme: 8/10
I'm not going to be too harsh on the theme of this story, since it's only the first part. I'll reserve my full judgment for the whole story.

Total: 28/40
Average: 7/10

PM me if you're finished with the second part.
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Just before I say anything else..
PLEASE FINISH THIS.. IM DYING TO READ MORE!! :D
So.. The only thing along with the others is that teen court isn't very realistic unless the school was for juveniles!!
Anyway.. Loved, loved, LOVED the story..
PM when you have written the nxt part..
YOurs..
Kakagirl..
P.S I'm following you!! :D
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Firstly
I'M ALSO DYING TO READ MORE!!

ok so it might be very realistic so maybe you should take it out of fiction =)




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I really liked your story, but there is one thing that kind of bothers me. The fight with Aaron and Toby. I think you should have had them try to attack her for money or if they were meant to sexaul attack her to throw her up agasint a wall. Something a little more realistic. I also hope that later on you'll tell us more about her life and what kind of person she is. Good luck and I can't wait to read your next piece.
If you look deep enough you will see music; the heart of nature being everywhere music.
Thomas Carlyle

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu



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