Plunge

This was written by my 8 year old

Plunge

I plunged into the ocean for the very first time. My mum and dad named me Courtney because of my dead gran. A wave rolled above my head and pushed me right under the sea. I heard a familiar voice.

“Courtney, Courtney. I’m not dead at all. I saw a mermaid and she made me one myself!” I heard the voice inside my head for a few moments. I realised that my gran was speaking to me. Granny Courtney! I never thought I’d see her again, only in my dreams. She looked different. Last time I saw her she was in her rocking chair reading. When she was in that rocking chair, she wore a lilac cardigan and her white, cotton nightie.

Now she was wearing a silky purple t – shirt and she had a royal blue tail. “Granny Courtney! I never thought I’d see you again. Excuse me to see your cave,” I said, excitedly. “I’m afraid I don’t have a proper home for myself. Evil Queen Emily said that no one else could have a sea cave and she said I would just have to share,” Granny Courtney said, drooping. “And did you share?” I asked. Granny Courtney looked close to tears now. I hoped I hadn’t been too nosy. “Well yes. I shared with the mermaid that made me a mermaid,” Granny Courtney said, livening up a bit. “What’s the name of this mysterious mermaid?” I asked. “She’s not mysterious, you silly billy. Her name’s Lily. Lily Rose,” Granny Courtney said. “Lily Rose. What a lovely name. I have to stick with the name ‘Courtney Taylor’. I actually wanted to be called Lucy Byers, the name of my best friend. But unfortunately she died. She was getting away from Madison, the horrible bully in my class. Her foot slipped on a cliff she was trying to climb and she fell into the ocean and drowned,” I said, sadly.

“You don’t have to give me too many details of the tragic event. Lily Rose doesn’t live in a cave, actually. She lives in a mer – cottage,” said Granny Courtney. “Can I see it?” I asked. “You sure can!” Granny Courtney said.

We swam to the cottage hand in hand.

I woke up. I blinked. It was all just a dream. Granny Courtney really was dead. And Lucy Byers stood over my bed. Her death was a dream. I was about to tell her about my dream, but I couldn’t. It was her first ever sleepover at my house and she said this the night when we took her to our house. ‘Lets have fun’, and we did!

This is funny and sad at the same time. Your eight year old has remarkably good vocabulary! Congrats on getting him/her interested in writing at such a young age. The story has a lot of room for adding detail to the surroundings and characters, especially why the MC is jumping into the sea. Just remember- enter and indent the line each time someone new is speaking.
Example-

Now she was wearing a silky purple t – shirt and she had a royal blue tail.
“Granny Courtney! I never thought I’d see you again. Excuse me to see your cave,” I said, excitedly.
“I’m afraid I don’t have a proper home for myself. Evil Queen Emily said that no one else could have a sea cave and she said I would just have to share,” Granny Courtney said, drooping.
“And did you share?” I asked. Granny Courtney looked close to tears now. I hoped I hadn’t been too nosy.
“Well yes. I shared with the mermaid that made me a mermaid,” Granny Courtney said, livening up a bit.
“What’s the name of this mysterious mermaid?” I asked.
“She’s not mysterious, you silly billy. Her name’s Lily. Lily Rose,” Granny Courtney said.

It will make it much easier for your reader to keep track of who's speaking.
Interesting twist at the end- lol, keep writing!

Well, I can't really give advice or anything since this isn't your work, but I do have to say that your eight-year old has some skill. He is well on his way and if he continues to write like that, then I have no doubt that he'll be great someday. Although I can't really relate to the characters since I'm assuming that they're his family members, I like the way he used them. It made the story flow very nicely. Overall, the story had a great child-like feel to it and was a good read.

Your kid's doing great.

That's funny, I kind of missed your bright red "This was written by my 8 year old " line, and proceeded directly to the story. Well, now that I can't really critique you on this - other than to say that starting a new paragraph everytime a person speaks would really make this easier on the reader - I just want to say that your 8 year old has the potential to become a great writer!

I thought it was interesting that your child had made his/her main character dream that their friend had died, and go on to explain it in such detail, only to wake up and discover that it wasn't true. And that made me think, isn't it just crazy how it can be so difficult to distinguish a dream from reality when you are in the dreaming state?

Yeah, I was surprised that an 8 year old's story would provoke a thought like that, which is why you should encourage him/her to continue writing! =)

Cheers.

Hey there,

So, like everyone else was saying, it's hard to write a true review when you aren't speaking directly to the author. I don't even know if there's a minimum age on YWS, but if there isn't, is there any possibly that you could get your 8 year old their own profile? It might make reviewing and such a lot easier, especially since I see that you've posted other things by her.

~~

I kind of missed the bright red "This was written by my 8 year old" just like addicted2theshindigg haha.

So...seeing how this isn't your work, I'm not really sure how to critique it. But I will say that your child definitely has talent and you should keep on encouraging them to write and read plenty of books. The only thing that they should work on is describing more show vs. tell. But anyways...your child definitely has a fantastic grip on their vocabulary and a wild imagination!