In the Pursuit of Happiness

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Through the absolute darkness of the bedroom there can be seen glowing white figures: a man and his woman. The woman is curled into a ball, her nakedness half covered by a white comforter. The man is lying on his back, hands behind his head. They are participating in quiet conversation, their words evaporating into the otherwise silent night air. All is peaceful. The woman makes a motion to put her hand on the man’s chest, and then she rests her head there as well. The man does not move, save his mouth, which conquers the dialogue and intensifies in speed and volume.
In an instant, he has thrown the woman off of his chest and is kneeling on the bed, shouting:
“Fuckin’ A! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry, I’m…”
He raises his hand above her head, silencing her. She wraps her self completely in the coverlet, seemingly embarrassed by her nudity, and hides her head beneath the pillow, shaking extensively.
“What the fuck do you want from me? Huh? What?” He leaps from the bed and pulls a pair of boxers, and then a pair of jeans, over his lower half. “Fuck this shit.” He leaves the room, and the woman is left on his bed, sobbing silently into the pillow.
“Come back, Ross,” she says into the darkness once he is absent. “Please come back.”
-----
“I love you.”
Ross’s woman looked into his dark eyes, her face alight with happiness. “I love you, too.”
“You better, or I’ll beat your sorry ass!” he said jokingly, and smiled.
She reached for his hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. “You love me too much for that.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” He smiled again, broader this time, showing his stained, gap-filled teeth. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“I agree. I’d be lost.”
He took a step forward down the trail, of which was lined with rows of cherry trees, their branches in mid blossom. He pulled her along with him. “Sometimes I like to think of what it’d be like if we stayed together, you know, forever.”
“Oh, I do too!” She excitedly repressed a giggle.
“Someday I’ll save up the money to get my own house. And you can live there, too. I’ll buy my own truck. We can live on actual land, too. With five acres! Every night I’ll come home from work with a beautiful wife, just waiting there for me.”
A blossom had fallen into the woman’s hair. Ross brushed it from her before leaning down and planting a kiss upon her soft, thick lips.
“I believe that this is forever,” he said.








---------
The woman hurriedly throws on one of Ross’s shirts, which falls nearly to her knees, and follows him outside. He is sitting on the back porch, cigarette smoke gliding from between his thin lips.
“I’m sorry, hun,” she says, putting a hand on his shoulder.
He looks up, blowing smoke into his woman’s face. She withholds the urge to cough. She cannot stand the smell of cigarette smoke.
“It’s alright. I forgive you.” He puts out the cigarette and throws the filter into an old empty can of Folger’s coffee. “Come inside, babe, I’m needin’ some lovin’.”
He walks inside, closing the sliding glass door behind him.
----------

The woman sat on the edge of the riverbank, watching her old friend, John, skip stones across the water.
“Ross can’t do that as well as you can,” she said, eyeing John’s throws.
John turned around, smiling crookedly. “I could’ve guessed that. He’s useless, you know.”
She shook her head, and did not reply instantly.
John laughed. “So you agree with me?”
“No, not at all. I love him. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. He is a good guy, and I’m lucky to have him.” She drew into the river sand with a stick. “And I mean every word of that.”
He threw one last stone into the water and walked over to the woman. “I know that you don’t mean any of that. Well, I think you actually do. But you’re lying to yourself, you know that?” He sat down next to her.
“It is important to be honest with yourself.” She looked towards the horizon, refusing to meet John’s gaze.
“Then take your own advice. You know that Ross ain’t any good for you. He ain’t any good for anybody!”
She turned to face him, words flying from her mouth. “I want him to get a job. I don’t want to give him money any more. I don’t want him to be mad at me anymore. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”
John reached his arm around her, pulling her close to him. “You shouldn’t ever be afraid. Leave him. You can do it. Don’t be afraid anymore.”
“I can’t leave him though. I love him. I could never do that to him.”
“Listen to me,” he grabbed her by both her shoulders, holding her in front of him. “You don’t deserve this. You shouldn’t be scared to leave someone. Don’t be afraid of what may be lost in the pursuit of happiness.”
The woman tried to slip her shoulders from underneath John’s grasp. “I love him! Don’t you understand?”
John shook her shoulders, shaking her entire body in the process. “Don’t you understand that he’s a piece of shit?”
And, with that, the woman wrenched herself from his grasp and walked away, leaving him alone on the beach.

-------------
Ross lays next to his woman, breathing deeply, naked again. He refuses to look at her.
“I’m sorry,” the woman says, stroking his chest. “Would you like to try it again?” She sits herself atop of him before being pushed back against the bed.
“Shut up,” he says. “Get away from me, you whore.”
She feels the tears form within her eyes again. “Please don’t, I didn’t do anything wrong…”
He sits up, his wildly angry face barely visible through the darkness. “Like hell you didn’t! If you weren’t so fuckin’ ugly I wouldn’t go fuckin’ limp.” He leans back and brings the blanket over his lower half, leaving his woman completely uncovered and vulnerable.
They are silent for a moment, until the woman begins to shiver.
“Would you quit making that noise? I’m trying to sleep.”
She attempts to cease her incessant shivering. “I’m sorry, hun. I’m just cold.”
“Well quit your bitchin’.”
“Yes, hun.”
And then he sits up again. “Just shut the fuck up! I don’t fuckin’ need you here, you dumb cunt! Tryin’ to fuckin’ take everythin’ away from me! Every bit o’ fuckin’ honor.”
“I’m sorry…”
He brings his pillow over her face, smothering her beneath it. The soft cotton silences her screams, and the night is again silent.
----------------------------

“Please, I just need this. Just this once. Please.” Ross reached towards the countertop, attempting to grasp his woman’s wallet.
“I can’t afford to keep giving you money like this. I don’t make that much.” The woman pulled the little wallet away, holding it against her chest.
Ross threw his hands up in the air. “I fuckin’ need this! I give you everything you want! You get a free dub a week from me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t ask you for anything.”
“I spent thirteen fucking dollars on your pregnancy test! You owe me that thirteen!”
“But… I need money for groceries…”
He grabbed her shoulder, squeezing it tightly in his strong hand. “It’s only fifty. You make that in only five hours.”
The woman pulled two twenties and a ten out of her wallet. “I’m sorry about the pregnancy test.”
He quickly took the money from her hand and stowed it in the pocket of his jeans. “Just remember to take your damned pills next time, you dumb bitch. I don’t want a kid runnin’ around.” He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and smacked her butt before stepping out of the house and making his way down the street.


----------------------------

The woman finds some strength left within her, even though she is hardly capable of breathing through the pillow. She brings a knee up, thrusting it in between Ross’s legs. He screams and falls back against the bed, clutching himself, giving his woman enough time to throw some clothes on and run out of the room. She runs all the way outside and down the street, pulling her hair into a bun as she goes.
“Get the fuck back here!”
She turns around to see Ross, standing in the middle of the street in a pair of boxers. She does not respond to his request; she merely wipes away a tear that has formed upon her face.
He does not take a step forward, but his expression is pained. “Please, Baby? I love you. Please come back here. I know you love me. You know I don’t mean it. I can’t help it. It’s just cause I love you. And I don’t wanna lose you.”
The woman shakes her head, still unable to speak. She takes another step backwards. The pavement is cold on her bare feet. It is slightly after dawn, and it is bright enough for any person to see the spectacle, were they to be awake.
“Get the fuck back here!” Ross’s temper begins to slip. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I give you everything I can and this is what you give me back? You give me nothing! Nothing! What the fuck is wrong with you, you mother fuckin’ bitch?” Even in the dim light, it is possible to see the tears rolling down his face.
The woman turns round as she does not want to look upon his face any more. She cannot bear to see her love in tears.
“Bitch! You better be afraid, cause there ain’t nowhere for you to go!”
After another step, the woman does turn around. “My name is Katrine. And I am not afraid any more.”
And then she simply walks away to live the rest of her life in happiness.
Last edited by Lena.Wooldridge on Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:30 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hello, Lena!

“Fuckin’ A! What the fuck is wrong with you!”
I understand you want to emphasize his screaming, but the proper puncuation mark behind the second sentence needs a be a question mark. Actually, what I'd like to know is what sparked his anger? She's done nothing but put her head on his chest. The only thing I could think of, at the moment, would be this being Dom/sub relationship. Even if it was, he wouldn't storm off like that. The sub - more commenly the girl - would just be punished.

Ross threw his hands up in the air. “I fuckin’ need this! I give you everything you want! You a free dub a week from me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t ask you for anything.”
Start a new paragraph when someone starts. So, reading the first piece that was in italics, I now think that Ross is on drugs and the girl - who still goes unnamed - is a prostitute or stripper.

“I’m sorry, hun,” she says, putting a hand on his shoulder.
She has nothing to apologize for. Poor girl.

“You better, or I’ll beat your sorry ass!” he said jokingly, and smiled.
It's not so much of a joke anymore.

“Sometimes, I like to think of what it’d be like if we stayed together, you know, forever.”


Ah, this was amazing! I understand the point in not mentioning her name in the previous paragraphs. I just got a total sense of happiness and I actually cheered out loud - promptly scaring my dog out of the room in the process. You write so well and this was so easy and nice to read. I think it really captures how women are sometimes caught in an abusive relationship but can't get out because they think they love the guy. It was really inspiring and ceremonial when she finally left at the end. Katrine finally realised that she didn't need him, it was him the needed her.

This was beautiful and there's nothing more to say but that.

ReisePiecey!
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Hello, Lena, I'm Pshh, and I will be somewhat reviewing your story.

Okay, I liked this a lot. I loved how you described the characters and their emotions. I liked how you showed that he really did love her at one point and probably still does, but he has problems.
This is a situation that happens everyday and it is very well written by you.

What I didn't like was you didn't explain the situation fully. For example, why does Ross treat her like that? I understood that he was angry at her, but I didn't understand why. Also, why and/or how did he get this way? I would also like to hear the relationship from the beginning to understand really how much love Katrine loves Ross. She says I love him and everything, but I would really like to know how much love she had for him in the beginning.

Anyway, I really did like this a lot. I was happy myself when Katherine finally left! She finally left that horrid man! Thank goodness! This is very true, simple, and to the point. It is just a wonderful short story and I love it :)

-Pshhxhoney
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Wow! This a very powerful piece in my opioun. I love how you made this woman seem so small and weak in Ross's mind, but in reality she is a woman that learns how to stand up for herself. The only thing that I found wrong with it was some puncuation. That's all really. Oh and umm are your character's set in a certain time period? Because I couldn't grasp what time period it was set in.
Overall:
Loved it! You've got pure talent for this stuff.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love. By returning, you may ensure that fewer souls are maimed, fewer families are torn apart. If that seems to you a worthy goal, then we say good-bye for the present.” - Albus Dumbledore




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I like your story. When most women have this kinda of problem, they just can't walk away. It's powerful, sad, and sweet. The writing is good and I hope to read more. Keep Writig!

Sierra :mrgreen:
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So, you aced this.
You got every emotion and every single description perfect. (And I know a lot about this topic)
I love how you kept Katrine's name until the end, it was like you gave her identity after she left.
Your writing was strong and powerful *CLicks the like button*
Loved it
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Hi there! This was AMAZING! You captured the emotions of a woman in an abusive relationship perfectly. I agree with wickedwonder- this is powerful writing. What I think you need to work on though:

1. In the first paragraph: make what Katrine does a little more than just resting her head on Ross' chest. I think if she did something more than just a simple movement it would be more expected that he would throw her off him.
2.Where Ross is telling her that he needs money, make him have an explanation for the money, even if it's a fake reason.
3.In the final paragraph where he's telling her to come back, don't say "request". Use something a with a little more omph, like demand or order.

This was fabulous! Keep pumping out more emotional writing like it. :-)
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
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Very good. A well writen piece. i didn't quite understand what the italicized stuff meant. But you did a very good job on explaining how Katrine felt and I loved how you made Ross some bipolar jack- butt. But Josh kept telling her otherwise and she wasn't listening to his advice. I like how in the end she finally left him, revealing her strength and inner fire.

But keep in mind that Katrine probably should have been more developed and probably should have been named earlier on in the story as it's hard to keep up on a character without knowing their names. Ross deserved so much more than just being left alone.

Very well done.

Keep your creativity going,

---ASH
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.




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I thought this title was already taken. Anyway, I think the language could be cleaned up a bit. Was every cuss word nessasary? Other than that and the title, I enjoyed it ?emensly?. I think that you could continue that. It's really very intreging.




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Hey, Lena!


I liked this story but there was a lot of cussing. I understand though so don't change it at all! I liked it a lot.

-Charlotte Grace-
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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I think that perhaps the beginning and end could be worked on a bit more. The beginning sounds almost like stage directions in a play- like you're setting the scene while keeping the reader out of it. I would try to do more showing than telling in that part. Also, some things don't seem like they would set even Ross off- there should be something more than just tenderness that Katrine does- something that could be taken the wrong way by a jackass like Ross.

I would also try to make it so that the man would say more than swear words; add some depth to their relationship, some tenderness at some point in the present to make the separation more powerful. I would also develop the relationship with John a bit more.

The last part seemed unnatural to me. I wouldn't use the "I'm not afraid anymore" thing, because it's just too... there. Like it was planned or something. The last line as well felt like it fell a little flat for me. It has the potential to be incredibly powerful, and while it still is, it could be more.

Overall, nice piece- great use of emotion. Some parts I would make more natural or realistic, but otherwise, very nicely done.

-Coral-




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Hey, Lena!
The points you've brought up in this piece were well-explored and communicated. Although it was well-written, I felt at times you were trying to focus on just their communication and nothing else. I know it's very important to do this in order to get the message across, but a few bits of description here and there doesn't hurt, and sometimes can actually tie in with the emotions Katrine and Ross are feeling at the time. Here's an example:

The woman hurriedly throws on one of Ross’s shirts, which falls nearly to her knees, and follows him outside. He is sitting on the back porch, cigarette smoke gliding from between his thin lips. The chilly (night?) air sends the woman into shivers.


Good job, and keep writing!
-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




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I thought it was VERY well written, but I don't like all the swearing. I can see you want to express who "Ross" really is, but I feel it's unnecessary cussing, and becomes inappropriate.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.



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