Blue Eyed Boy

I'm more of a story teller kind of person, rather than a poet, but I had a few poems taking space on my computer desktop. I thought I might throw them out there and see what people think.
Feel free to rip it to shreds(:

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I must enjoy the pain of getting my heart broken
Of being hopeless
Of being alone
but wanting someone so bad.

I think I’m still waiting for that one moment
I’ve been trying to plan in my head for years.

You know, that one where you turn to me in the rain and say,
“I finally get it now.
I’ve always needed you in my life.
It took me this long to realize that....

I Love You.”

The sad part is,
I know you’ll never say that.

And still I hope you will.

And while I wait,
I let you cause me pain.
It lets me feel something
Other than the happiness of your blue eyes.

I am really not going to give an in depth review on this, because you can see reviews on these works all over the site. It is very common to see love poems, and they are rarely good at that. I'm not saying your piece isn't good by any means, but like the rest it needs work.

Ok. Well there is almost no description in your piece. The only thing I really saw was something about rain, and something about blue eyes. In love poems you need more description to achieve...what is the word.....I don't know....to make the poem great I suppose. What is it you see in him, what does he look like?

You also didn't cover why you like him. This happens all the time, but it is something that the reader needs to know, or we feel detached from the writer.

There isn't much else to comment on. If you need anything feel free to pm me.

-Flower-

Well, like Flower above mentioned love poems are very common. To make one stand out you really need to work at it so when your audience reads it, it'll pluck a string in their heart. When writing poetry, you need to pour your feelings out and form words that flow into one another.

In this poem, you only mention the fact that he has blue eyes at the very end. Maybe, throughout the poem talk about what those eyes do to you. Do they mesmerize you? Confuse you? Really think about it.

Anyways, if you have any questions feel free to PM me!^^

~mybrokenreality

this is beautiful and you can tell its created from your heart.
I have felt this way before, and i know many others have also..
You really keep your audience interested and involved with writing like this,
its really good.
keep writing poems occasionally, even if its not your specialty i'd love to read more

I like it. (: It's cute.
However, if I'm being honest, I agree that it needs works. You said that you're more of a story teller than poet. However, you can be both. ;D
If you go back and read Poe, Sylvia Plath, Walt Whitman, etc. you'll see that a lot of their poems tell stories. Look at Shakespeare, all of his plays were written in iambic pentameter and some of his soliloquies were sonnets, but they still told stories.
And though I haven't read it, from what I understand, The Odyssey is written as an epic poem (a really long poem, almost a novel).
You have a really wonderful idea to go on with the current status of your poem, and you're a talented writer. Incorporate some of your story telling abilities into the poem and see what you come up with. I have a feeling it could be great. (:

gabriella wrote:I'm more of a story teller kind of person, rather than a poet, but I had a few poems taking space on my computer desktop. I thought I might throw them out there and see what people think.
Feel free to rip it to shreds(:

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I must enjoy the pain of getting my heart broken
Of being hopeless
Of being alone
but wanting someone so bad.

I think I’m still waiting for that one moment
I’ve been trying to plan in my head for years.

You know, that one where you turn to me in the rain and say,
“I finally get it now.
I’ve always needed you in my life.
It took me this long to realize that....

I love you.”

The sad part is,
I know you’ll never say that.

And still,
I hope you will.

And while I wait,
I let you cause me pain.
It lets me feel something
Other than the happiness of your blue eyes.

This is a great poem. I like the sadness and longing in it. It's nice

Keep writing!
Alzora

I really loved this.
I think that at one point, we have all felt that way about someone else.
The way you put it is just the way it really is.
Not wanting to be alone, but still having to embrace your loneliness.
Loving someone, and letting them hurt you.
Knowing that they don't fell the same way, but still hope with all your heart and soul.
Again, I thought it was beautiful!

I say you should add more emotion into this. But other than that it is very good and descriptive. ^^ Hopefully you will progress very much while your here on the site. Good luck and Happy writing!!!!! Keep up the good work. Now I have to go to bed; as it is 10 and a school night. Haha Good lucks to you all.
Soulkana<3

Ok, so this is very interesting. But like what everyone else has said, it does need work and have great potential. Try to be more descriptive and put emotion in it. It seems sort of montonous at times. A good poem makes the reader feel and convey the point of the poet. Also this poem needs more description. This review is going to be a little short because I am in school, heehee. So that is all. Other than those few concerns it was good. Great work. Keep writing!!!

Ok, so this is very interesting. But like what everyone else has said, it does need work and have great potential. Try to be more descriptive and put emotion in it. It seems sort of montonous at times. A good poem makes the reader feel and convey the point of the poet. Also this poem needs more description. This review is going to be a little short because I am in school, heehee. So that is all. Other than those few concerns it was good. Great work. Keep writing!!!