Atlantic Prep

This is ONLY the first part of chapter one so thats why it ends kind of weirdly. Sorry:(
If you were to walk into seventeen year old Stephanie Sheppard’s room, you wouldn’t notice anything different. You would still see her blue walls and white carpet, her bed with the tempurpedic mattress and blue flower bedspread. Her white furniture set and the music stand with her magazines on it. The only difference was that there were five suitcases in front of her bed. Those suitcases were filled with all of her clothes and her most precious belongings.

Why was all of her stuff packed? Because she was going to Miami Prep, a private school in which she had earned a scholarship to. Pacific Prep was one of the best private schools in the country. Which is why her family was thrilled for her even knowing that she would have to live on the campus, in Miami; two thousand some miles away from her home in San Diego.

“Mom, are you sure you guys all want to fly out there? Just to drop me off?” Steph asked her mom as she carried two of the suitcases down the stairs to the first floor. Her long brown wavy hair was half up half down and she wore her nice Abercrombie and Fitch sundress.

“Sweetie this is the last time we will see you until next year I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse.” Mariah Sheppard said as she pulled her thick, long, straight, brown hair up into a ponytail that held half as much hair as Steph’s ponytail.

Tia and Liam were Stephanie’s six year old twin siblings. As much as they annoyed her she loved them to death and didn’t know what she would do without them to greet her in the morning.

Authors note: i don't have a title for this so any title suggestion would be nice. Also if you review my work I WILL make sure to review your work. Please be tough; I can handle it!

Alright, I'm really no expert on romantic stuff, but here goes...

Overall it was nice, you introduced the protagonist well enough. However, a description of what she looks like is necessary, especially for a romantic novel!

Second, your first sentence isn't quite gripping enough. "If you walked into blankity-blank's room, you wouldn't notice anything different" has been overused in my opinion, and doesn't draw me in as much as it once did. Consider changing that to something more enticing.

Third, you ended the chapter (?) oddly. You didn't really sum anything up or hint at what was going to happen next. You just left it dangling there like a piece of old meat.

Finally, a couple small grammer issues (mainly just comma placement) were present, but it was definetly 'readable'. Anyway, nice work, post the next chapter and I'd love to review it!

- G

(Also, ALWAYS include a title, even if it isn't what you like! Untitled leaves a lot to the imagination...it could mean another vampire love story, or an alien love story, or a normal love story...but always have a title - it makes your novel 100 times better!)

Hey Hockeyfan!!

Well, to be honest this was good, you have an interesting idea going on here, but it didn't really catch my attention. It's a really small piece and it lack description in many places. For example your main character needs more description, more characterization, we need to know more about this girl who is suddenly going to Pacific prep.
Also, you leave way too much hanging at the end of the chapter, way too much, there are lots of questions but no answer to any of the questions. I have one small question though, if she is going to Miami, why is the school named Pacific Prep? I mean Miami is not in the Pacific Coast.

If you were to walk into seventeen year old Stephanie Sheppard’s room, you wouldn’t notice anything different

I didn't like this and this is your hook. Your hook should get the reader's attention and this one quite didn't. I mean, it's quite boring and predictable it almost makes the reader to stop reading this. So remember to catch the reader's attention ever since the first sentence so try to make that sentence more interesting and appealing.
I liked the description of the room though, it was interesting and it made me see the room in my head, which is great.

Why was all of her stuff packed?

I don't like this, really. Instead of asking us make us wonder why she has all of that packed and then at an understandable pace show us what is going on.

“Mom, are you sure you guys all want to fly out there? Just to drop me off?” Steph asked her mom as she carried two of the suitcases down the stairs to the first floor. Her long brown wavy hair was half up half down and she wore her nice Abercrombie and Fitch sundress.

So, try adding more emotion to your character, right now your character is really flat, with no description, no emotions, no nothing, so try to show us how she was feeling while she was saying this and how her family's reaction affected her afterwards. Also you also tell us she had long wavy brown hair but what else? what color are her eyes? what color is her skin? Did she have something special like a birthmark or freckles maybe?

1. Characters
You are missing a lot in this department, I mean they are all flat, even your main character. We know nothing about her not even how she looks and we really need something to relate ourselves with, to hate her or love her. It would also be nice if instead of saying her brothers annoyed her, you showed us how they annoyed her and maybe what she was going to miss about them.
As for her mother, try showing us more about her, about her relationship with your main character ever.

2.Setting
Nothing of that all, try to describe the background more, like where they are, how everything looks, how the sky and sun looked that morning? You could even add something of that in the memory of that day, let's say she remembered that sunny day of august in which her family took her to her new school.

3. Overall
I see a good idea going on here but the development of it was not good, there are many things missing in this and it would be nice if you finished this part because it looks unfinished even.

Hope I helped
XOXO
Pudin

Okay I'm not good with the reviewing thing, so IM just basically going to tell you my overall opinion of this first part of your chapter.

i like your descriptions in this part, its very descriptive, but maybe too much. you should lower the amount of describing you do because sometimes you can annoy someone and then they'll stop reading whatever you have written.
you might want to describe the main character a little more, too give us an imagine in our head that we might go by.

just a question but why isn't the mother over emotional? she seems a little bored, like shes not even noticing her daughter is flying a long way away, and shes hardly gonna see her again. maybe you should relate it too your mum or dad, what would they do if you were in that situation.
i know mine would be pouring her eyes out and begging me to stay with her. hehe

but its a really good piece of text, keep writing
its great your so young and you can think of ideas like this. its quite inspiring

~ emiliedanae; <3

Hi, Jenn. I'm here, like I said I would. I like your story, it seems like it's going to be good. I also started to like the character, she seems nice... Keep Writing!

This is ONLY the first part of chapter one so thats why it ends kind of weirdly. Sorry

First of all this is an author's note, so I recommend you to separate it from the story and write it on italics.

You would still see her blue walls and white carpet, her bed with the tempurpedic mattress and blue flower bedspread.

I recommend you to write it like this... Tempur-Pedic, because is the name of a company. P.S. I thought it was a complicated word until I searched for it on google. LOL!

Her white furniture set and the music stand with her magazines on it. The only difference was that there were five suitcases in front of her bed. Those suitcases were filled with all of her clothes and her most precious belongings.

Great job! This is a great beginning, attracts the reader.

“Sweetie this is the last time we will see you until next year I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse.” Mariah Sheppard said...

There should be a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said") "Sweetie this is the last time we will see you until next year I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse," Mariah Seppard said...

Tia and Liam were Stephanie’s six year old twin siblings. As much as they annoyed her she loved them to death and didn’t know what she would do without them to greet her in the morning.

Hahahaha!

Happy Writing! Byeezz

Hello, I am Pshh and I will be reviewing you work for today! Warning: I'm not a very good reviewer so please forgive me if I am wrong with any grammar corrections. Also, these are just suggestions! It's just my opinion on what would make the story better. Also, sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to! Now, off to reviewing!

“Sweetie this is the last time we will see you until next year I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse.”

“Sweetie, this is the last time we will see you until next year, I think we can fly out. Plus Liam and Tia want to go to Disney World to see Mikey and Minnie Mouse”
I think that would be better fit.

Mariah Sheppard said as she pulled her thick, long, straight, brown hair up into a ponytail that held half as much hair as Steph’s ponytail.

I think that you've but too much description into the the mom's hair, try to make more subtle.


Overall, I think this would turn out as a nice story. I can't to read more! Keep writing
-Pshhxhoney

Hey, this is Miami Prep isn't it?

Hey

I just wanted to say this was a really good start but I think you should describe the way your character looks. How do your character feels about going to a new place?
Other then that It was good. Keep going ;D