Until The Day I Die

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kingolions
Gender Male
Points 4030
Reviews 98
Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:40 am
kingolions says... · Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:40 am
I know there are faults, so help me please. Or, you know, just burn it to ash.

--------------------------

Forget you I shall not,
or anything you do or say.
Forgive you I will always,
even before you ask.
But I cannot and will not
love you until the day I die.

You said it thirteen times,
and forgot me even more.
Do you lie because you care?
Or am I not worth the truth?
But I will never lie to you,
or love until the day I die.

Will you miss me when I'm gone,
or care when I am sick?
If you come and see me,
will you help me out?
But no matter how hard I try,
I'll love you until the day I die.
Last edited by kingolions on Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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ScarlettFire
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Reviews 212
Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:14 am
ScarlettFire says... · Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:14 am
Hey Kings.

Okay, first off. I love this, it has some interesting imagery, a decent flow and rhyme. The only problem is, you miss out words or letters, like "You said it thirteen time". Shouldn't there be an 's' on the end of time? Other than that, you did a pretty good job. As I said, I love the poem. *clicks like* Don't forget to check on things like missing letters or words, and don't forget to run spell check before posting--not that there's any spelling mistakes; it's just a good idea to double check things. :)

Anyway. Thank you for making me smile and the beautiful poetry, even if it's a little sad.

~Scar.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.
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Virsanity
Gender Male
Points 1040
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Wed Aug 04, 2010 11:14 am
Virsanity says... · Wed Aug 04, 2010 11:14 am
hi king!!!

I should say that about this poem, the content is all about love. We all know that love gives us happiness and courage well, it's part of life.

On the first stanza, I think there are some discrepancies along the line,

"Forgive you I will always,
even before you ask.
But I cannot and will not
love you until the day I die."


Isn't it that "You can and will love you until the day I die"? ok moving on.

Next stanza:

"You said it thirteen times,
and forgot me even more.
Do you lie because you care?
Or am I not worth the truth?
But I will never lie to you,
or love until the day I die."


- Love, oh love, it will be always the most precious thing that a person could have. I can feel the emotions here even though i didn't have any gf since birth :)good job especially the line "I will never lie to you or love until the day I die".

And....

"Will you miss me when I'm gone,
or care when I am sick?
If you come and see me,
will you help me out?
But no matter how hard I try,
I'll love you until the day I die."


The climax, every person male or female, young or old can relate to this. A true inspiration that will comfort us even in the saddest days of our lives.

Overall I salute you ^_^ this inspire me a lot!!!

leaving you a quote...

"Once in a while, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale."
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so..."
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KatTrain
Gender Female
Points 7297
Reviews 156
Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:44 am
KatTrain says... · Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:44 am
kingolions wrote:I know there are faults, so help me please. Or, you know, just burn it to ash.

--------------------------

Forget you I shall not,
or anything you do or say.
Forgive you I will always,
even before you ask.--awkward line
But I cannot and will not
love you until the day I die.

You said it thirteen times,
and forgot me even more. --this is a bit too obscure
Do you lie because you care?
Or am I not worth the truth?
But I will never lie to you,
or love until the day I die.

Will you miss me when I'm gone,
or care when I am sick?--you talked about you being gone like it's going to happen soon. so talking about you being sick just doesn't fit right.
If you come and see me,
will you help me out? I didn't like this whole stanza..
But no matter how hard I try,
I'll love you until the day I die.
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
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RepublicOfCoter
Gender Male
Points 11804
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Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:56 am
RepublicOfCoter says... · Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:56 am
Hey kingolions!

I'm not quite sure if I liked this one? To me, it was that tad bit too cliche for me; you've written some poems of the sort before which is now starting to get a bit repetative and, no offence, a bit annoying. I understand that you like writing in the depressing/sad genre which I love but if you could think outside the sphere which is outside the box (better than thinking outside the box) than that would be great!

I just thought I should mention that before I continue. I love the detail and emotion you put into this piece which is why I enjoy reading depressing poems so much. The stanzas where of good length and you didn't waffle on too much. Now, I don't mean to criticize but you have always told me never, NEVER use the title in you poem. I don't like how you repeat the title at the end of each stanza. The title is too cliche. I know I may sound harsh but isn't life harsh?

I'll leave you with that as there really is much more to talk about. If you could change those few things or keep these in mind for future pieces, that would be great!


MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.
"As I lay down on my bed, I look up at the sky, the stars and the moon, and I think to myself: Where the hell is the ceiling?" Unknown

"The fun is in the chase, never in the capture" Agatha Christie
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