School at Sea Chapter One Part One

School at Sea
As I packed up my favorite shirts and shorts and made sure I had my lucky bracelet and makeup it finally hit me; I was going to school on a cruise ship!
It all started last year when I was watching Suite Life on Deck with my little sister, Tia, and told my mom that it would be cool if I could go to school on a boat. That was in October. In May, my birthday, my mom told me that I would be attending School at Sea a cruise ship that offers schooling for seventh through twelfth graders. Since I was going into eighth this year it all worked out.
I was leaving in a day! It seemed like a dream. It hadn’t hit me yet that it was reality. The brochure for the school told you what to bring. They told me to bring toiletries, notebooks, pencils, binders, shorts, pants, sweatshirts, shirts, tank tops, flip flops, sneakers, sandals that had a back, books, blankets and anything else that you think you ‘need’. I had brought everything in my closet since it would be a WHOLE year. I also brought everything that they said to bring with my makeup and tennis racket and softball glove in case we stopped and someone wanted to throw, I also packed my laptop and a few DVD’s.
After everything was packed I had a full five suitcases and a backpack full of my stuff. Since the brochure said that parents could stay and help the kids get settled me and my parents thought that i would just unpack and they could take the suitcases home leaving me with only one so that my dorm isn’t full of all suitcases. Since it wouldn’t only be my dorm but I would be sharing with someone else. Her name was Anya Miler and she was from Florida far away from where I lived and where the boat left from; California. I was excited to meet her. I hoped she was nice from her picture in my dorm assignment she looked nice. She had long blond curly hair. The kind of hair I wish I had, instead of my stupid long brown wavy hair. After I zipped up the last suitcase I went into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. It was hard to think that a brown haired blue eyes California girl like me could be going to school on a cruise ship. I was so happy to leave because this would be my first year of school without my best friend Lily at my side. Her and I got in a HUGE fight at the end of last year and hadn’t talked the whole summer. To make matters worse she then went out with Luke, my boyfriend of nine months who I was still dating at the time! Needless to say Luke and I aren’t Luke and I anymore.
Once I was done packing I went downstairs to join my family for the last dinner I would have with my family for a while.
“So are you all packed?” my mother, Mariah, asked as she pushed her shoulder-length blond hair out of her eyes as she moved her slender body from the stove over to the refrigerator where she grabbed some banana’s for our meal tonight.
“Yup, I packed my whole closet like you said. I used up all five suitcases!” I said as I stirred the Mac and Cheese for her.
“Steph, we gave you those five so you could pick the ones you wanted not to use them all!”
“Oh, well too late. I packed a lot. My makeup, sports stuff, clothes, blankets, DVD’s, laptop, chargers, phone, flashlight, iPod-”
“I get the point you packed a lot.” She said, cutting me off.
“I'm gonna miss you guys a lot! Promise to call every night?”
“Maybe even more, and you can call us whenever you want. Steph, I can’t believe you are really going. I thought that since it’s been a few months since I told you I would have had time to get used to the idea but I'm not used to it at all.”
“Mom, I need to get away I cant deal with seeing Lily and Luke together in the hallways anymore.”

I really liked this. You've got a really fun story idea to build upon from here. I could iminge this either being terribly good or terribly bad. PM when you get the second chapter up and I'll check it out and review it.

Good!

Your plot sounds interesting. I am looking forward to what you are going to write next. Are Lily and Luke going to be in the story any more? If so I suggest adding more back ground detail on them so the reader gets a better feel. Maybe describe the fight or what it was about? I really do think you have something good here. Well good luck and let me know when you have the second part out!

--Anne<3

Hey Hockeyfan!!

so let's get to the review. This is a really interesting idea, funny even because it's really adventurous and new. But I think it was poorly developed and it would be nice if you tried to make it different from the Zack and Cody story, because it wouldn't be original or different. Readers want new things, new adventures, they may be similar but there's something unique about a story that makes the reader interested. Another thing is the hook, the hook is the first sentence of the story which gets the reader interested.

So let's go into the nitpicks.

As I packed up my favorite shirts and shorts and made sure I had my lucky bracelet and makeup it finally hit me; I was going to school on a cruise ship!

ok, so you did something wrong here, you threw at us that she was going on a cruise ship. You have to remember that writing is about showing not telling. And you really killed you hook here. You have to create expectation and intrigue, I would like to see more description around there, so that you wouldn't just throw at us that she is going on a cruise ship. If you already told us that, then what's the point of the rest?

It all started last year when I was watching Suite Life on Deck with my little sister, Tia, and told my mom that it would be cool if I could go to school on a boat

Ok, so this is not my favorite part mostly because is just too plain, too simple, we see where the story is going and that makes it boring. Mentioning the Suite Life on Deck is ok, but you would use that more and explain to us, show to us why that fascinated you instead of just saying that it was going to be cool.

That was in October. In May, my birthday, my mom told me that I would be attending School at Sea a cruise ship that offers schooling for seventh through twelfth graders. Since I was going into eighth this year it all worked out.

This was too rushed, a little too rushed for my taste. We saw that coming from what you wrote before and you should keep an understandable pace. And in the next paragraph you say that you're leaving in a day, way too rushed, and in all that you don't say how that is affecting you? how that will change everything for you? how that will affect your family and friends.

The brochure for the school told you what to bring. They told me to bring toiletries, notebooks, pencils, binders, shorts, pants, sweatshirts, shirts, tank tops, flip flops, sneakers, sandals that had a back, books, blankets and anything else that you think you ‘need’

I don't think a school will actually tell you this, besides, this is more like a boarding school in a ship, so try to keep it real. Also, I don't see how this list of things is helping or improving the story. It is way too telly, just look at the part that says notebooks, binders etc,etc. You don't have to tell us that, we know it and just by common sense because this is a school.

I also brought everything that they said to bring with my makeup and tennis racket and softball glove in case we stopped and someone wanted to throw, I also packed my laptop and a few DVD’s.

I do not get this sentence, I think you should rephrase it. Second, you keep telling us things we don't need to know, or it would sound nice if you tried to rephrase it.

Since the brochure said that parents could stay and help the kids get settled me and my parents thought that i would just unpack and they could take the suitcases home leaving me with only one so that my dorm isn’t full of all suitcases

You need a comma between settled and parents.

Since it wouldn’t only be my dorm but I would be sharing with someone else

You should add this sentence to the other one above, maybe through a semicolon.

I. Characters.
So you've only introduced your main character. I think she needs a lot of work, she seems shallow and there was nothing in the story that would make us know her better, make us understand her better. In this piece you kind of focused on other things rather than your main character, so she looks a bit one dimensional right now. Characterization is a key in developing your character.

2. Dialogue
I didn't like it, it seemed unrealistic even. You have to think of a normal dialogue you have with your parents or something because it didn't sound good.

3. Story
It seemed good, you have a good idea going on here. And just one thing, try to develop the Luke and best friend thing, it's really common but it's nice if you try to keep it original

I'm sorry to finish this so early, but I have to something else to do, so I hope I helped.
and please keep me updated in this, I would like to continue reading it.

XOXO
Pudin