Totally Strange (2) part 1

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Chapter 2

I was lying in bed feeling dizzy. My eyes travelled around my room noticing that it was still dark out.
I got up checking my digital clock. It was four a.m. -- I didn't remember anything from the time I was being carried home by Vince. It must have been like, eleven when he took me home.
The sun started to rise as I tried to fall asleep.
My room was still bright because of its sky blue color and the light from the moon.
***
My younger sister Kailey brushed her fake blond hair in the bathroom as I brushed my teeth. Even though the mirror is large, she took it up with her huge volume-ized hair.
Today is actually my sixteenth birthday. I was so excited for this day ever since I was seven years old. At this age you would get a car (drivers’ Licence included) and the hugest party of your life! When I got up earlier this morning it took me an hour to find my birthday outfit. Kailey is not very excited for me though...
She is a part of Stacy's crowd, but Kailey is a big nerd. Ever since she stepped into Kindergarten she had straight A's--no kidding. Kailey has joined the Chess Club, Cheerleading, Science club, and Dance. She sets up all the danced at school and parties 'till twelve a.m. with Stacy. This year she got into high school as a freshman. She thought that this would change her life dramatically and that she would be the star of the school. I’ve been there for a year now and nothing has happened.

"Kailey, please can you stop hogging the mirror?" I said with a mouthful of toothpaste.
She started to spray some perfume through the entire bathroom making me wanna puke.
"Wait your turn," she continued her brush-a-thon.

I had to spit really badly. She was still brushing as my anger turned into furious. I ended up spiting into the toilet. At least I didn’t spit in her hair or our newly washed maple flooring.

"You couldn't wait?!" she stared at me.
"No, actually I couldn't."
Finally Kailey got away from the sink and I took care of myself. She left the bathroom leaving me in harmony.
***
Vince called me earlier after I was done using the bathroom.
He called about 5 times but I couldn't hear because Kailey's stereo was on the max volume. My parents weren't even home at that time. I know it was only ten a.m. but they've got jobs. My mom is an Interior Designer and my dad is a Physiologist. They leave to work at eight a.m. Her music thankfully bothers the neighbors' alot so they called.
I walked into Kailey's room and told her to turn down the Rihanna music. She turned it down to my surprise. When I got into my room, my phone said I have 5 missed calls all from Vince, so as any normal person would have thought-- I called him back.

"Hey Vince, sorry I didn't answer earlier. Kailey was on high stereo the whole morning. What did you want?" I explained.
"That Kailey, huh, she's a work in progress." I laughed. "Well, what I wanted to ask you was if you wanted to come with me to the park--you know just for a walk?"
My stomach started to flip and I felt my palms sweat.
"Sure, why not. I'll just get ready." I said.
"Okay great. See you in--" I cut him off.
"Fifteen minutes?"
"Great, bye."
"Bye," We both hung up.
***
I met Vince in the park that is two blocks away from my house. We used to go there when we were kids. We always swung on the huge black tire swings with my grandma there to watch us.
“Hey there,” he said as I go up to him.

We were standing by those very swings.
All the kids in the playground were screaming, laughing, running, playing, anything that kids would normally do at a park.

“Hey,” I replied.
My heart did that skipping-a-beat thing again when he smiled.
“What are we doing here?” I added.
“Well, I was planning on surprising you with a birthday gift, but,”

I started to smile as he was saying this. Today the sun was out shining so brightly that when you looked at it even with sunglasses on it hurt. Today was the day everything is going to be perfect. No Stacy in the way of everything or Kailey with her fashion emergencies—just me and Vince and the rest of the people that care about me.

“What’d you get me?” I ask.
“Close your eyes.”
My heart thumped even harder and my palms started to sweat. I couldn’t wait for this amazing day to finally start.
I felt him put something cold on my hands.

“You can open your eyes now.”
I opened them and say a necklace. It was so beautiful. There was a silver musical note dangling off the silver strand. I picked it up so I could see it up close. On the back of it it said ‘Happy Birthday Zoey! Love ur best friend, Vince’.

“Oh my God Vince. It’s beautiful,” I said breathlessly.
“Thanks, I was hoping you would like it.” He smiled.

I pulled him into a hug. He is the nicest person in the whole entire world.
This was really all I needed for this day to be the best it could ever be.
We got out of the hug. “I actually got the same necklace but for a key ring, so we can always know that we’re best friends forever.”
He showed me it. But, it said something else. ‘Best friends forever, Zoey and Vince.’

“That is just amazing.” I said.
“You have made my birthday the best one so far,” I added.
My heart skipped a beat and I felt so happy.
Last edited by Nike on Mon Aug 02, 2010 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Is this a sequel to something? If it is, well, I haven't read the first one but whatever on to the review...

So you confuse the tense a bit, especially here:
I lie in bed feeling dizzy. My eyes traveled around my room noticing that it was still dark out.

Personally, I prefer past tense but it doesn't really matter as long as you choose a tense and stick to it throughout the whole story. Unless, of course, you have a flashback or something because then the tense can change.

I didn't remember anyting from the time I was being carried home by Vince.
My heart started to beat faster when I thought of that moment

The first sentence is a bit unclear.. and then you are saying that you don't remember it but then you think about it?

Overall, I think that first section is good as a way of introduction but could use more description. Not much more, because I like the vagueness, it leaves things for the reader to want to learn more about. It's just a bit unclear.

Good introduction of Kailey. My only question is how old is she? And how old is your main character? You could introduce that like ever since she started 9th grade (I pictured her as a freshman) she's thought she was the coolest thing ever even though I'd already been in high school for two years. Something like that, you know?

Her music thankfully bother the neighbors' alot so they called

That sentence is confusing and also kind of awkward.

Wait, I thought Vince was calling? Why is she talking to the neighbors? And I don't think that convorsation was necesarily important enough to write out.

Lastly, maybe introduce who Vince is because you just start talking about him, is he her friend? Lab partner? Boyfriend? Crush?

It could use a little work but I like what you have here. Nice work.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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LittlePrincess--this is a continued story to Totally Strange (1). It says alot in there! Thanks for commenting though I'll edit!
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek



You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind