Indescribable<3

The last time I saw her was the eighth grade graduation party. Her beautiful auburn hair was curled to her shoulders. Her bright yellow dress on. Emma was the girl of my dreams, and I had the girl of my dreams. Today was our one month anniversary.

I got up from my seat at the table next to the dance floor and walked over to her. I asked her to dance. She stood up and told me to follow her. We walked out of smelly, crowded gym and stood in the hallway. Emma told me she loved me but not in the right way. Emma Grace the girl of my dreams the proceeded to tell me she has been seeing my best friend behind my back. I felt a tear come up in my eye. So I did what any normal pissed off male would do. I marched back in the gym, grabbed my best friend, spun him around, and punched him in the face. I went and got my coat and walked out of the school.

Right now my life is a mess. The only girl I've ever really liked cheated on me. My mom and dad are getting divorced and fighting over custody of my sister and I. On top of all of that I lost my best friend, the only person I could actually talk to.

My mom and dad are both lawyers so the court dates can get a little heated. That's probably the only date of theirs that has ever been heated. My dad wants custody and my sister and I so we can move to Florida to be with his sister and my cousins. He says, "We're not close to family." But all I want to say is. What's a family? I've never had one. I've never been apart of a relationship where there is equal love for one an other.

My life is a totally disaster. My life is like a ticking time bomb. You never know when it's going to go off and destroy the rest of me. I feel like a house of cards. You know you're going to collapse and fall, you just don't know when.

As I layed on my bed, I let the loud screaming voices fill my ears. Screamo music always calms me. I layed back and tried not to think about all the crap in my life right now. Just then my sister threw my door open.

"Skylen! Turn your stupid music down! What do you think head phones are for?!" I rolled my eyes.

"Geez, chill Rae. Listen to your iPod. What do you think head phones are for?" She let out an aggravated sigh and stormed out of my room.

I layed my head back on my pillow and my phone buzzed. It was a text from my dad.

Pack your stuff we're moving to Florida. "Hey Rae?"

"What?!" She screamed over my music.

"Did dad just text you?" I turned my music off to hear her answer. Just then I hear her phone beep the I saw her phone fly out of her room, hit the wall, and smash into twelve pieces. "I take that as a yes."


It isn't romantic yet but it will be I promise. I'm aware it has flaws and probably needs more detail, but just tell me what you think!'

--Anne!

Hi Anne! Cute story, but you're right. It needs more detail. It seemed to me like you took something that could've spanned over a few chapters and squashed into a small page. For example:

Her beautiful auburn hair was curled to her shoulders. Her bright yellow dress on.

He's just said that Emma is the girl of his dreams and that's all he uses to describe her. You could go on for a paragraph about her smile, eyes, etc. It would show the reader's how much he really likes her, instead of just telling them. Okay?

Today was our one month anniversary.

I got a little confused there. The boy says that the last time he saw her was the eight grade graduation party. Then he says

Today was our one month anniversary.

...So you're skipping directly to the party, right? Instead of using "today", try, "It was" or "The day of the party was"...

Emma told me she loved me but not in the right way. Emma Grace the girl of my dreams the proceeded to tell me she has been seeing my best friend behind my back. I felt a tear come up in my eye. So I did what any normal pissed off male would do. I marched back in the gym, grabbed my best friend, spun him around, and punched him in the face. I went and got my coat and walked out of the school.

First of all, comma after "dreams" and after "Grace". Comma after "normal" and "pissed off". The "the" after dreams should be replaced with "then". Comma after "me" in the first sentence.
This is describing a really emotional moment for the boy and I don't think it can be described in such short, blunt, sentences. I thought it was odd that you narrated the speech here because it only makes the story seem shorter when you do. It seems like she broke up with him in two sentences. You left out what happened to the girl as well. Does he just leave her there? Does she call after him? Also, think about normal human behavior. It may have taken a minute for the boy to realize what the girl told him before he storms off. When you're writing an emotional and climatic paragraph like this, put yourself in the characters shoes.

My dad wants custody and my sister and I so we can move to Florida to be with his sister and my cousins.

"of" instead of "and" after "custody".
Also, you told he readers that his parents were getting a divorce. Instead of just telling the readers, show them. Maybe he listens to music to drown out the sounds of his parents arguing or explain how his dad moved out of the house. These are just examples but it would be a lot more interesting than just telling the readers about the divorce. Show some evidence of the divorce.

My life is a totally disaster.

Use "total" instead of "totally". Also this sentence is almost exactly like a previous sentence:

Right now my life is a mess.

Instead of repeating the same thing over and over again, merge the two together and give reasons. Why does he feel that way? Yes, we get that his parents are getting a divorce and his girlfriend dumped him but that has nothing to do with how he really feels.

But all I want to say is. What's a family? I've never had one. I've never been apart of a relationship where there is equal love for one an other.

This is what I mean. Try to add on to this.
Also put "What's a family?" in quotations. In this sentence "apart" should be "a part" and "an other" should be "another".

As I layed on my bed, I let the loud screaming voices fill my ears. Screamo music always calms me. I layed back and tried not to think about all the crap in my life right now. Just then my sister threw my door open.

The past tense of "lay" is "laid", not "layed". Also, you never said he turned on some music.
Describe why screamo music calms him. You're writing from a boy's POV. His thoughts and feelings should be included. Normally, I'm not a big fan of such informal sentences, but since you're writing as a teenage boy here, they work just fine.

"Did dad just text you?" I turned my music off to hear her answer. Just then I hear her phone beep the I saw her phone fly out of her room, hit the wall, and smash into twelve pieces. "I take that as a yes."

The word "dad" should be capitalized here. "hear" should be changed to "heard". Use the word "and" instead of "the" after "beep".

Okay, all finished! You've got a good storyline planned out. Try to expand it because details and descriptions will not only help your readers visualize the story, it will keep them interested as well.

PM me if you have any questions or need a review!
-Ace :]

Hi, so right now you are doing a lot of telling. Why don't you open up on 8th grade graduation, introduce the girl and give background on the relationship.

I got up from my seat at the table next to the dance floor and walked over to her. I asked her to dance. She stood up and told me to follow her. We walked out of smelly, crowded gym and stood in the hallway. Emma told me she loved me but not in the right way. Emma Grace the girl of my dreams the proceeded to tell me she has been seeing my best friend behind my back. I felt a tear come up in my eye. So I did what any normal pissed off male would do. I marched back in the gym, grabbed my best friend, spun him around, and punched him in the face. I went and got my coat and walked out of the school.

Why don't you narrate this entire paragraph and spread it out. Describe the dance floor, describe the feelings. How does she tell him about his best friend? Was she guilty about it? Right before he punched his friend did his friend think anything was wrong? What was the weather when he walked out of the building? What does he think about while he is walking away? Stuff like that.

And then out of nowhere your parents are getting a divorce? You see, you have some really good stuff here and amazing potential, but spread it out more.
Maybe when he got home his parents are fighting and you could mention that this happens a lot. Or they should sit him down and tell him they are getting a divorce. Narrate it. How does he feel?

That's probably the only date of theirs that has ever been heated.

I like that line it made me laugh

You do a good job with the end. Keep up the good work because you have a really good plot here! Nice job!

i LOVE this. There are some grammatical errors, and places where the wording could be re-arranged, but i think all the people that commented before me covered that. You're fantastic, and there's no doubt that if you keep writing you'll be a professional! I love how you wrote this in a guy's point of view, because I've tried that many times and understand that it can be difficult sometimes! You got away with it too, it's fabulous! Great job!

Hello, Anne!

The last time I saw her was at the eighth grade graduation party.

Her bright yellow dress on.

This just sounds awkward.

Emma Grace, the girl of my dreams, then proceeded to tell me she has been seeing my best friend behind my back.

Right now, my life is a mess.

My mom and dad are getting divorced and fighting over custody of my sister and I.

Whoa, when did this happen?

My dad wants custody and of my sister and I so we can move to Florida to be with his sister and my cousins.

But all I want to say is. What's a family?

Change the period to a colon.

This was good but the first part moved too fast. There was not a lot of description and things were a bit bland. I still want to see what happened, but this needs to be polished. This needs more of a background story, at least give us a bit more information on the divorce or his previous relationship with Emma. Well, I've nothing else to say so, bye!


ReisePiecey!

I enjoyed it ! I'd like to read more ! )