Katydid, Katydidn't

revising...

This was obviously very well written. Katy appears to be a very really character.

blush hid her cocaine-reddened nose

Blush is used to make one's cheeks red. Putting it on your nose would make your nose even more red. But the general description of her is very, very good.

I hate to admit that I just skimmed this, but I was awfully confused about the identity of the man. Who is he? I'm probably just a bad reader, but that confused the hell out of me. I was left with too many questions. Who is he? What does he want her to do? How does he know everything about her? If you did try to explain who she was, it might've been a bit too subtle.

But, like I said, amazing writing and descriptions. Not too little, not to much. Near perfection.

Lena

Hey Blackbird, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

brittle asphalt crackling beneath her heels.

Why is she still wearing her heels if she changed into something modest?

“Why you do what you do. Strippin, I mean.”

Strippin'

“You’re such a young gal, doin this already…

Again, doin'.

II. OVERALL

This was well written, but it lent itself a total air of confusion. I don't know if you were planning on continuing, because as it stands, the ending just doesn't seem to work. We don't find out who the man is or how he knows what he does about her. Which, I think, needs to change. He needs more development himself as well, instead of just being a tool. I wondered why he was doing what he did, but you don't explore his character at all. I think overall, it needs development in all areas, you need reasons and motives and a general arc to the story. It's just a little, well, pointless. Work on the ending. But really, it was written extremely well.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I didn't even sort of get a serpent/Eve allegory from this story. Especially if that was the main function of this, to be a modern update of the myth. There's an almost-implication that the man is Death, what with your constant referrals to rotting and fetid smells, and when I read that it was supposed to be a Biblical allegory, I thought perhaps -- perhaps the circle of thorns was supposed to be a vague reference to Christ. Here are some of the reasons it didn't work for me:

[1] You (as in, the reader) don't really understand the man's presence. It sort of comes off as if he is genuinely concerned for Katy, albeit a bit creepy. He gives her Something, which apparently is a vague feeling of fulfillment, but at no visible price. He also offers to take her away from a seemingly mediocre existence. He doesn't necessarily come off as temptation, but rather as an almost-kindly stranger with sort of serial killer tendencies.

[2] Hand-in-hand with the previous comment, the girl doesn't really seem to be tempted by him, like genuinely and furiously tempted. She seems intrigued and a bit befuddled, but nothing really more.

[3] Obviously, she doesn't fall for it. Which is a pretty crucial one. If this is an update of Eve-and-the-apple, she doesn't take the bait, for lack of courage or whatever. Which would be fine if the crux of the story WASN'T that it was an allegory, if there was some more dimension and exploration at work.

Someone mentions in one of your critiques that Katy seemed to be a very real character, but to me, she oozed stripper cliché. Especially with her peroxide hair and her cocaine and her bad family and her pretensions of being something greater, and her way of calling it "strippin'". In such a short span of time, we don't get anything that sets her apart from the usual mix of stereotypes, and I find that troubling when she is the main character. I also really really disliked that she (and the devil-character) arbitrarily dropped the 'g' from 'stripping' for no apparent reason. Especially since both of them seemed reasonably eloquent and well-spoken. The "strippin" just layered on the cheesiness.

It's a pity because you have some really fresh images and some very nice writing, and I think if you worked on this it could really be something else, but right now it sort of falls apart at the seams. If your entire purpose is to make this an allegory, and if you don't want to develop it any further than that, then I would suggest really taking a look at the aforementioned points of Why The Allegory Didn't Work.

However, I would love to see you strengthen the existing allegory and carry this work further, using some of Stella's suggestions. I really think Katy needs a lot more development, and I think you really need to consider what you want this story to do. I think if it's just an allegory, and if that's the entire point of the story right now, that it's supposed to be a thinly veiled update of the old story, then it's too much of a gimmick, with no weight or real resonance. Which is really too bad because it has the potential to be a lot stronger, with the writing skill that you possess. I hope you consider making it something more.

Hey Blackbird,

I defintley didn't get the allegory aspect of the story, but it does draw you in well with an interesting and unusual character. The action is good with the stranger approaching her quite creepily in the dark, and you do a good job of building up suspense, but then the story gets kind of muddled. The fact that he knows Katy from childhood is interesting, but you don't really go into it enough for this twist to have any real power. It ends up instead being kind of confusing. Also, the "Katydid Katydidn't" is good, but again, you don't really go into enough detail; instead you just kind of toss it out there.

I hope you keep working at this, it's a good piece!