Untitled

Ok, I'm not good at poetry, and I wrote this at midnight and i was sleepy. But the words were going around in my head and wouldn't leave me alone, so here it goes.

I need you to hear
I need you to see
so won't you listen dear
when you come home to me.


My betrayal cut you in half
the pain shows in your tears.
Oh, how i wish to hear you laugh
but my actions have confirmed your fears.


The wrong come and gone
the judgement you have passed.
Anger clear as days dawn
it was a mistake and it shan't be my last.


For I'm not as perfect as the unclouded sky
though my mind and heart are true to you.
Forgive me of my past lie
Because to gain your trust, anything, is what I'd do.

Hey write97,

A few quick points -- here should be hear, on the first line, wont should be won't. Please remember to proof-read your work before posting!

The wrong done and gone
your judgement you have passed.

This is a really confusing bit -- let's show this as one sentence: "The wrong done and gone, your judgment you have passed." Do you mean the wrong come and gone? Because otherwise it's poor grammar. "Your judgement you have passed" is awkward, I'd suggest "The judgement you have passed."

The problem with this is we have no conception of what the wrongdoing is, or the past lie, or the mistake. It's not clear to us and the poem gives us no clues. Without this, we have no real way of getting inside the narrator's head and understanding her pain. Without it, we are pretty lost.

Hello, Writer.

I need you to here,
I need you to see,
so wont you listen dear,
when you come home to me.

I read this piece as a question, so I believe there needs to be a question mark at the end opposed to a period.

The wrong done and gone,
your judgement you have passed. These two stanzas don't make much sense to me.
Anger clear as days dawn, I like this line.
it was a mistake and it shan't be my last.

For I'm not as perfect as the unclouded sky,
though my mind and heart are true to you.
Forgive me of my past lie,
Bbecause to gain your trust, anything, is what I'd do.

Stanzas nine and ten are my favorite.

This was nice, but I don't really know what's going on. Something happened...but I don't know what. Try and clear up on what the girl did wrong.


ReisePiecey!

Writer97 wrote:
I need you to hear
I need you to see
so won't you listen dear
when you come home to me.


My betrayal cut you in half
the pain shows in your tears.
Oh, how i wish to hear you laugh
but my actions have confirmed your fears.


The wrong come and gone
the judgement you have passed.
Anger clear as days dawn
it was a mistake and it shan't be my last.


For I'm not as perfect as the unclouded sky
though my mind and heart are true to you.
Forgive me of my past lie
Because to gain your trust, anything, is what I'd do.

I loved it! It was clear what it was about, I wasn't confused when I read it, I loved it! Remember, if you need anything reviewed, just send me a link, and I'll check it out! Luff yew, and good job!

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I'm back! *strikes a Peter Pan pose*

Okay, I see that you added a new piece! I really like it, those simple four stanzas added a lot to your story. What happened is now clear.

My betrayal cut you in half
the pain shows in your tears.

My second favorite part.

This is very good, Writer. I'm amazed at how quickly you added the new piece. I must be off now, but if there is anything else you want me to look at, you know how to contact me.

ReisePiecey!