Young Writers Society

I've been bent
So far that I'm broken.
Your whispering fingertips
Tend to dance along painted lips,
But mine were so chapped,
And you were so scared.
You thought I was fragile,
But I was so strong.
Pain was new to me,
Innocence was getting old.
I wanted the thrill of something new,
Of pain sweeping across my limbs.
You obliged with a tender kiss,
I was hooked,
A delicate addiction,
Your positive persuasion.
It only lasted one night.
Three short, sweet words.
One big, selfish lie.
It's all so sureal,
Until it's all too real.
The demon is breathing
Down my neck again,
Murmuring the wicked lullaby.
I will not oblige.


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Ok, two questions; should I get rid of the capitalization at the beginning of every line, and should I get rid of the repetition of the word wicked? =D

Okay to start with, I'll just say: keep the capitalisation. Some poems do have little letters at the start of lines, but that should only be done if the person writing knows how to use it properly (I don't, but if someone else does you can ask them about it). The repitition of the word 'wicked' is also fine because it's used effectively and suits the poem well. I would also just like to mention how much I liked this poem. (I've been saying this a lot lately, but what else can I say? There are some talented writers on this site!)
Okay, I don't know what else to say, so I'm just going to say it's a really good piece of work, so keep writing!
Smashles

Hey there! Since you asked two specific questions, I'll answer those both first. Capitalization is a very subjective literary device, and it really is up to the poet. I think here the capitalization is fine. But I won't pretend to be an expert on that subject. Now, about the word "wicked": generally, repetition should be avoided in poetry, unless it is done very, very well. But here, it's redundant, and I think you should only use the word "wicked" once. In that case I would keep the wicked lullaby, because that's a more interesting phrase than "one big, wicked lie" which is a bit bland and doesn't leave me with a fascinating thought like wicked lullaby does.

Now, more in-depth...

So, I'm giving up.
Does it really matter?

I don't like this beginning at all. It doesn't pull me in, it's trite and very typical of emo poetry. Fix it and make it more unique, unforgettable!

I've been bent,
So far that I'm broken.

The comma after "bent" is awkward, disrupts the flow of the sentence. Remove it.

You thought I was fraglie,

Should be fragile.

I wanted the thrill of something new,
Of pain sweeping across my limbs.

Interesting idea, good use of the verb "sweep." It's always a thumbs-up from me to use different verbs in poetry.

A delicate addiction,
Your positive conviction.

I love the phrase "delicate addiction" but "positive conviction" doesn't seem to fit at all. Sounds like you were just struggling to find a pair of rhyming words. That's the problem of rhyming: what people want to say ends up suffocated by what they HAVE to say to fit the rhyme scheme.

Three short, sweet words.

This might just be a personal thing but I'm sick and tired of hearing about "those three words" et al to describe love, I hear it allllll the time nowadays. Gah! I wish musicians/aspiring writers would think of a more original way to speak cryptically about love.

Murmuring the wicked lullably.

Should be lullaby.

Overall, not bad. I'm not quite sure where that demon at the end came from, though. You do create some interesting images here, but I think you could work on uncovering some stronger diction and more originality in expressing thoughts on love. But this isn't a bad start at all. Keep writing!

I would keep the capitalization, and I didn't notice the huge repetition of "wicked", so I would keep both of those. However, the punctuation felt a bit excessive to me, and was a bit distracting.

Otherwise, I really liked your phrasing and your word choice. Great job!

blackbird12 wrote:

You do create some interesting images here, but I think you could work on uncovering some stronger diction and more originality in expressing thoughts on love.

Ok, I like totally messed up somewhere in this, this isn't about love at all and "I love you" isn't what the three words were referring to. But, thanks I tweaked everything else, I think.