My Brothers Sacrifice

When James leaves home in hopes to land his dream job of directing in hopes that someday his name will be seen by millions. His dream is put on hold when he gets a distressing phone call from his mother about his sister. Now his is racing against the clock to save something more precious than his dream, his troubled sisters life.


I'd worked hard all through my years in school doing my best to please my mother and teachers but really to please myself. I always got a thrill when a saw an A on one of my papers or I got an award for helping out my fellow calssmates. Well, who wouldn't? Then you had my sister, nothing to smile at.In elementry school she was the perfect picture of disappointment if only to put it lightly. Getting into fights, never turning in assignments. But she really got awful in middle school. She was caught smoking pot in the girls bathroom one day with three of her buds as she referred them as. She was suspended but that didn't stop her. Our mother was at a loss with what to do with her. There was nothing she could say that would get through my sisters thick skull, so eventually I tried and alas I made a dent. It was enough to snap my sister out of her phase as my mother called it and get her through her last four years of high school. Why she turned out the way she did is still a question I ponder even as I sit here writing this.
I'd left home at twenty one to pursue my dream of directing. The movie industry has always captured my attention and so I decided that when I graduated that was what I would do. But not even a month into settling into my new surroundings did I get a sobbing phone call from my mother in the wee hours of the morning informing me all about my sisters fall from grace and begging me to come home. That's exactly what I did. I packed my bag and hopped in the next plane headed fro home.

I know you are wondering where this story is taking place and what his sister name is but I haven't decided yet in hopes that maybe someone could help me out with a place and a name. Please I need critsim and advice they would both be very much appreciated.

Hello, Magic! I will try my best to give this a proper review. Wish me luck. All the things I say will be in green.

When James leaves home in hopes to land his dream job of directing, in hopes that someday his name will be seen by millions. When you say "when" at the beginning, the reader expects something to happen. That's really vague so I'll just give an example. Example: "When James leaves home, he gets hit by a truck!" Or something along those lines. In the first sentence, nothing happens to back up the "when" so it would be best if you just took it out. There is also the repetition of "in hopes" so you need to take out one of the two phrases and change it to something differnt. His dream is put on hold when he gets a distressing phone call from his mother about his sister. Now his he is racing against the clock to save something more precious than his dream, his troubled sisters life. You need to change the last comma to either ellipses or a colon.



I'd worked hard all through my years in school, doing my best to please my mother and teachers, but really to please myself. I always got a thrill when a saw an A on one of my papers, or when I got an award for helping out my fellow calssmates classmates. Well, who wouldn't? Then you had my sister, nothing to smile at.Put a space here.In elementry elementary school she was the perfect picture of disappointment if only to put it lightly. Getting into fights, never turning in assignments. But she really got awful in middle school. She was caught smoking pot in the girls bathroom one day with three of her buds, as she referred them as. Repetition of 'as'. She was suspended but that didn't stop her. Our mother was at a loss with what to do with her. There was nothing she could say that would get through my sisters thick skull, so eventually I tried and, alas, I made a dent. It was enough to snap my sister out of her phase, as my mother called it, and get her through her last four years of high school. Why she turned out the way she did is still a question I ponder even as I sit here writing this.

I'd left home at twenty one to pursue my dream of directing. The movie industry has always captured my attention and so I decided that when I graduated that was what I would do. But, not even a month into settling into my new surroundings, did I get a sobbing phone call from my mother in the wee hours of the morning informing me all about my sisters fall from grace, and begging me to come home. That's exactly what I did. I packed my bag I'm sure he has more than one bag. and hopped in on the next plane and headed fro home.

I know you are wondering where this story is taking place and what his sister name is but I haven't decided yet in hopes that maybe someone could help me out with a place and a name. Please I need critsim and advice they would both be very much appreciated.

This really moved fast and there was not much description. We don't know how he looks or anything. Overall, I wasn't really into this story. It needs more description and you need to slow down a bit. You often tell the reader what's happening instead of showing them. Showing is always better than telling. Example:
"Lacy was scared."
"Lacy jumped on top of her school desk and threw her head back in a terrified scream, letting the whole world know of her dis-comfort. She clutched her hair in shaking hands and stared down at the giant rat scuttling across the classroom floor."
A poor example, but it still shows how showing is better than telling.

You just need to pace yourself and add description. If you do, this could be amazing! That's all for now. Bye!

ReisePiecey!

I agree with ReisePiecey on all the corrections she/he had to make. youwrite nicly and can be improved.

Hey I am going to review your work

I am not sure this sentence makes sense, the repetition of hopes does not work, I think you need to change the word order and phrasing around the second hopes. The second hopes doesn't fit in!

When James leaves home in hopes to land his dream job of directing in hopes that someday his name will be seen by millions.

Now his is? Huh what are you raacing at here, this doesn't make sense, again you need to rephrase your sentence!

Now his is racing against the clock to save something more precious than his dream, his troubled sisters life.

I'm not sure awful is the right word, or if the 'got' before it fits in with the awful!

But she really got awful in middle school.

Again the ending of the sentence does not make sence

She was caught smoking pot in the girls bathroom one day with three of her buds as she referred them as.

Overall I think this is good, you need to sort out the word order, then we can't get confused, try reading it out to yourself, and then you will notice the errors. I am not sure that your sister's name needs to be mentioned, I liked the idea of not knowing much about her.