He Might Need New Shoes

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Hey Hannah, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

“Remember, when we say feet down, prepare to come under normal gravity again,” came the voice again.

came the voice again sounds strange.

The sound of her plastic smile still rang in Henry's ear.

Maybe this is supposed to be poetic, but it doesn't work for me.

He thought he heard a moan from Freize,

Freize? Frieze?

He kneeled at her feet.

knelt.

“Please, Freize. I need you to.”

Decide how you're spelling her name

“Because I meant know, why on Earth do you think I said no?”

Okay.

II. CHARACTERS

So right now, I'm kinda confused, and I think that's because we don't know your characters well enough. Frieze just seems annoying, and Henry seems like a weakling. Maybe they're supposed to be. But why would he love someone if she was so bland and irritating? Is there more behind the "taking care" deal? If so, why haven't you told us? I think, right now, you need more character development. Maybe show us some memories about their relationship, show us why he loves her and he'll grow with her.

III. OVERALL

I can't help but think that this is part of something bigger, because it seemed strange that she would say no just over that. If there's something bigger, then ignore me. But if this is it... make her motives clearer to the reader.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey Hannah!

I agree with Stella's grammar corrections, but otherwise the story reads very well and you've got a great set-up. The one trouble is you don't really explain why the woman is so upset with Henry, and so when she refuses his proposal, a lot of the power of that is lost because we don't understand why she's said no. If you've meant us to be as confused as Henry, that's fine, except in that case, I think it'd be good to give us a better idea of why the woman is upset while they're in the air.

Best,

Cath

I don't really know the characters but Henry seems like he really loves her and why is she saying no?

I agree with grammar changes.

I liked the idea but I am some what confused.

But it seems like a great plott!!