Princess Adalia and the Magic Amulet of Lancelyn

This is a short story I did for my english class last year. Felt like typing it up here....well enjoy!!! XD It's a fanfiction of the king author stories!! Got a hundred on it FYI

Now in a castle far away in Lancelyn, in the highest point of the highest tower, lived the young, beautiful Princess Adalia. Adalia was the daughter of the vile Queen Morgana LeFay and the king of the castle, an evil sorcerer whose name is unknown.

Once Morgana gained knowledge that she was with child, she knew imediately it was not her husband's, but allowed her husband to assume it was.

"As soon as this child is," She told her lover one night in the cover of the trees, "You art flee this place. Return nevermore, for if thou doth dare grace this land again, he with swift eyes will know that I hath been unfaithful."

The sorcerer-king made to protest, but Morgana caught his words with her lips.

"Please, Sir, save yourself and I from the fury of society's inquisitor."

He agreed, despite the disgust from her notions. That night, however, he made a promise to himself.

"Yes, I shall take up my things and flee," He assured himself, "Once my child is born to me."

And flee did he, with his child in tow.

"I shall name thee Adalia, for thy is of noble birth." He whispered to his daughter the night of her birth.

When it came to be known that the princess was the fairest in all the lands, the sorcerer grew selfish and locked Adalia in the highest point of the highest tower. He loved his daughter, however, and gave her an amulet charmed to shine the brightest for her one true fated. Though he had love for her, he loved himself more and desired a male heir, therefore planned to steal his firstborn grandson.

Now at the mere of 16 years, Adalia grew accustomed to hte watching her father's knights praticing their swordmanship from the safety of either her tower, or the dark carriage her father gave her for her 15th.

"They appear as ants," She whispered to herself, sighing, one day. She wished she could go see them from the carriage, but alas 'twas out being cleaned that day. She desired to see the one knight whom made her heart sing. A handsome, young man was he, merely 2 years older then she.

"Alas," She told herself, "Ihave tomorrow."

"Or maybe not," the deep husky voice startled her. She turned around to see the very knight she found herself falling for!

"Mere knight," Adalia smiled, "My father would have thy head if he were to find thee here."

"Art thou to tell him?" The knight smirked.

"He is away on business, to return on the morrow." Adalia responded, waving it off nonchalantly, "I do not believe that one day's visit will do harm."

The knight smiled and sauntered towards the princess, the princess could not take the suspense, and ran into the knight's arms. She then gave herself and her virtue to him. The amulet shining brightly around them as though an angel's blessing.

The king arrived the next day, and Adalia confessed her love of the knight, keeping the past events a secret locked away in the tower of her heart.

The king rejoiced and rushed the wedding to that day. In two weeks time it came to be that Adalia was with child.

The next week the newlyweds and their father fell to the river's bankside.

Adalia laughed at her husband's humorous tales, then grew quiet as she overheard her father's voice responding to his chief advisor.

"Ay," The king jeered, "I understand I have a few years to live. 'Twas the evil wench who doth stolen my years."

"You need an heir, Sire." The advisor responded.

"Yes I know." said the king, "I have known for a while, in fact." He then told of his plan.

Adalia was outraged , horrified, bloodthristy.

That night, in their bedroom, she exploded with rage and wicked thoughts.

"How he dare think my son his?!? This vile man shall pay for his treachery and evil ways! Oh, this man, I thought he had love for me, but it was a farce!!"

Her young husband fussed about, "My wife, for the babe's sake, please come to side on the bed."

She would not, for she was plotting a vile thing. A plot to save herself and her babe. For only this could she relax.

Then a plan came to her.

Adalia grinned, and her expression showed her relation to the king in many more ways than one. The evil behind the beauty.

"My wife?" The prince's fear not hidden in his face.

"Come, my dear husband," The princess turned to her him.

"Take up thy arms and come with me."

"My wife, whatever for?"

Adalia giggled with mischief.

"Why, but of course, my love. You art to slay thy king."

The amulet's light shone a dark red, ebgulfing the room.

please people review!!!!!

Hey there! I see you're anxious to get reviews. If you're looking for reviews, one good place to check out is the Will Review for Food area. But don't forget! The best way to get reviews is to review other people.

Now to give you your review. This was certainly an interesting story. I don't know the story that you say it is a fanfiction of (should it be in the fanfiction section?). I like the high level of conflict and mystery you have in all this but I think it's confusing in some places. For example, you spend a lot of the beginning talking about this Morgana person who is with a lover who isn't her husband, and she has a baby with him, and they might be killed... but that comes to nothing, the real story is about their daughter, and how her father (also a king? So who was Morgana's husband?) needs an heir.

Things got real confusing because I feel like you logic on some things is a bit messy. I'll admit - I don't know that much about medieval/renaissance stuff, but from what I have read, if the daughter of the king (the princess) marries, her husband becomes the heir. That's why royal marriages were such a big deal. Granted, it's more important to have a blood heir, but then why isn't this king married? Why is he off running around with Morgana? And why is Morgana so vile in the first place? Some of your details don't seem to make sense and you might need to think about it a bit more.

Also reading this was strange because the dialogue seemed so accurate for the period but the narration seemed more forced into the period and not always accurate. If you're going to do period writing, you're going to have to really work on it because it's hard especially for this era. I hope this review helps! PM me if you have any questions.

Phoenix lands to review

And flee did he, with his child in tow.

that would indicate that she is following him. A new born can't follow people. Also you may want to expand on how he kidnapped her.

When it came to be known that the princess was the fairest in all the lands, the sorcerer grew selfish and locked Adalia in the highest point of the highest tower.

This character is negating himself. He kidnaps her because he cares about her and then names her Adailia because she is of noble birth and then he turns around and locks the tower because it's rumored she is a good princess? The reasoning needs to be expanded.

Adalia grew accustomed to hte watching her father's knights praticing their swordmanship from the safety of either her tower, or the dark carriage her father gave her for her 15th.

I don't know what that was supposed to be. I suspect nothing should be there and it should be "accustomed to watching."

"They appear as ants," She whispered to herself, sighing, one day. She wished she could go see them from the carriage, but alas 'twas out being cleaned that day. She desired to see the one knight whom made her heart sing. A handsome, young man was he, merely 2 years older then she.

If they look like ants how has she seen him?

"Or maybe not," the deep husky voice startled her. She turned around to see the very knight she found herself falling for!

try to avoid ! in narrative.

"Yes I know." said the king, "I have known for a while, in fact." He then told of his plan.

Um you should probably indicate that she is listening to their conversation in secret. The king seems kind of dumb just spouting out his plot while his daughter is around.

That night, in their bedroom, she exploded with rage and wicked thoughts.

Cut repetitive to the sentence before.

"How he dare think my son his?!? This vile man shall pay for his treachery and evil ways! Oh, this man, I thought he had love for me, but it was a farce!!"

Over use of !? in dialogue. ?! is fine ?!? is not ! is fine !! is not.

Adalia grinned, and her expression showed her relation to the king in many more ways than one. The evil behind the beauty.

Again character negation. She is being called the fairest in the land and yet she evily plotting a devious scheme when she could just run away or watch her father. The two ideas don't mesh.

Adalia giggled with mischief.

Yeah I really find this a odd reaction to her father trying to steal her baby.

"Why, but of course, my love. You art to slay thy king."

Yeah one man going to slay the king that is probably guarded by dozens of guards. This not only makes her look evil but stupid.


Okay first off the characters aren't realistic. This is my biggest problem. Both the king and Adalia flip flop in their personalities. Also Morgana's daughter was stolen from her and her husband and she doesn't even look for her? Something that shouldn't be that had considering the person the stole her is a king and she is being called the fairest in the land.

I like King Arthur tales and I see potential but I think you need to expand on details and try to flesh out the characters. The whole evil planning thing would have been fine if such evil thoughts occasionally cropped up when she was locked away in the tower.

I hope I wasn't too mean. Hope I helped. Keep it up.

pm me with any questions

Phoenix flies away

In response to your feedback 'PhoenixBishop', I believe when Adalia is referred to as "the fairest in the land" it is regarding her appearance, not her nature. That was my understanding of it anyway. Nice story by the way.

I must say that the title is very catchy it makes the reader want to know all about this princess and her story. When your writing you really want to draw the reader in with the first sentence or paragraph as some writers say and that is very crucial for all writing pieces if you ask me. This was a good piece but it does need some work but that you already know so I will not draw all that much attention to it. Other than that keep it up i can see potential in future pieces that you write.

A great effort at 'olde englishe' to give the story a particular feel. However, quite often the wrong 'olde' word has been used.

Also,it would be more attractive to read if the text was presented in paragraphs.

My 8 year old has the following to say:

The words gave the story a lot of effect which makes it more exciting to read. I thought the way you put a clash of good and evil in it was very good indeed.

This was very neat! I love the fact your characters spoke in old english, even if not exactly proper. It gave your story a very different feel from most of the stuff you see here.

However, I think you need to work on explaining your character's motives in the beginning introduction part. Once you get settled telling the MC's story you do all right, but the beginning is a little questionable. Also, try to 'show' and not 'tell'. You want readers to really feel what your MC's feeling. Get us inside her head, let us see what she's thinking and how she's reacting to things, instead of just 'she was angry then she was sad' or something, you know?

Good job with this story thus far- if you have any questions, just pm me.

PhoenixBishop wrote:Phoenix lands to review

And flee did he, with his child in tow.

that would indicate that she is following him. A new born can't follow people. Also you may want to expand on how he kidnapped her.

When it came to be known that the princess was the fairest in all the lands, the sorcerer grew selfish and locked Adalia in the highest point of the highest tower.

This character is negating himself. He kidnaps her because he cares about her and then names her Adailia because she is of noble birth and then he turns around and locks the tower because it's rumored she is a good princess? The reasoning needs to be expanded.

Adalia grew accustomed to hte watching her father's knights praticing their swordmanship from the safety of either her tower, or the dark carriage her father gave her for her 15th.

I don't know what that was supposed to be. I suspect nothing should be there and it should be "accustomed to watching."

"They appear as ants," She whispered to herself, sighing, one day. She wished she could go see them from the carriage, but alas 'twas out being cleaned that day. She desired to see the one knight whom made her heart sing. A handsome, young man was he, merely 2 years older then she.

If they look like ants how has she seen him?

"Or maybe not," the deep husky voice startled her. She turned around to see the very knight she found herself falling for!

try to avoid ! in narrative.

"Yes I know." said the king, "I have known for a while, in fact." He then told of his plan.

Um you should probably indicate that she is listening to their conversation in secret. The king seems kind of dumb just spouting out his plot while his daughter is around.

That night, in their bedroom, she exploded with rage and wicked thoughts.

Cut repetitive to the sentence before.

"How he dare think my son his?!? This vile man shall pay for his treachery and evil ways! Oh, this man, I thought he had love for me, but it was a farce!!"

Over use of !? in dialogue. ?! is fine ?!? is not ! is fine !! is not.

Adalia grinned, and her expression showed her relation to the king in many more ways than one. The evil behind the beauty.

Again character negation. She is being called the fairest in the land and yet she evily plotting a devious scheme when she could just run away or watch her father. The two ideas don't mesh.

Adalia giggled with mischief.

Yeah I really find this a odd reaction to her father trying to steal her baby.

"Why, but of course, my love. You art to slay thy king."

Yeah one man going to slay the king that is probably guarded by dozens of guards. This not only makes her look evil but stupid.


Okay first off the characters aren't realistic. This is my biggest problem. Both the king and Adalia flip flop in their personalities. Also Morgana's daughter was stolen from her and her husband and she doesn't even look for her? Something that shouldn't be that had considering the person the stole her is a king and she is being called the fairest in the land.

I like King Arthur tales and I see potential but I think you need to expand on details and try to flesh out the characters. The whole evil planning thing would have been fine if such evil thoughts occasionally cropped up when she was locked away in the tower.

I hope I wasn't too mean. Hope I helped. Keep it up.

pm me with any questions

Phoenix flies away

for one fairest in all the lands means she's beautiful.....have you ever heard of snow white?!? she's born to evil parents therefore she is obviously going to become evil in the end...of course the characters aren't realistic....THEY ARE MADE UP!!!!! IT"S A FANFIC!!!!!!!!!

VoicesTellMeWat2Rite wrote:for one fairest in all the lands means she's beautiful.....have you ever heard of snow white?!? she's born to evil parents therefore she is obviously going to become evil in the end...of course the characters aren't realistic....THEY ARE MADE UP!!!!! IT"S A FANFIC!!!!!!!!!

I dare to disagree! When readers find a character that possesses traits that they can associate with in reality, especially amongst the background of a fictional world, it makes the entire story much more interesting for them. For example, even in a world of fantasy, an evil witch who has killed lots of innocent people, doesn't suddenly start treating other people with cake and whatnot for no reason at all. There has to be a motive.

You need to give your characters more motive to base their actions on.

I suggest adding more description of the world and the characters in your story. It'll make it much more interesting as long as you don't overdo it.

Also, I noticed a few typographical errors throughout the story -- you might want to check your spelling with a word processing program.

This story of mine is whatever i'm gonna fix it up later anyways