Leap (Green Eyes)

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Rated PG-!3!!!!
Been excited to post since I've been on vacation for three weeks, and I still am. I couldn't find a computer I could use until two days ago, and today is the first time I've actually been able to use it. I've written three other pieces besides this one and I can't wait to post them. I really hope you like this story though!!! Thanks for reading!

The leather is warm and sticky under my legs, and the taxi smells like B.O. and cheap cologne, but I don’t care. My lips are professing their needs and hungers to Max, whose response is just as enthusiastic as mine.

Our taxi driver, a middle aged man with little hair, is disgustedly into our fondling. Other pedestrians are staring into the car too, walking by on the illuminated sidewalks of New York.

My attention is completely focused on the velvety, supple lips that caress mine. They want something more, and the man behind them obviously has the same intention too. He weaves his gorgeous fingers through my hair, which I tried so hard to curl hours before. I didn’t predict that my boyfriend would completely rearrange it.

I feel the car slow down and my heart skips a beat. Max loosens his grip from around my waist and looks up at me. I try to hide my anxiety behind my irises. Apparently nothing shows, because Max smiles and his green eyes sparkle in the way they always do when he’s ecstatic. His eyes show other things too: chivalry, playfulness, and lust.

He’s waited for this night since we started going out, he told me moments before we jumped in the cab. We were at his brownstone now, a hip little condo in SoHo. Just two twenty-somethings going back to one of their apartments after a date - not unusual right?

Max leans over me and grabs my pea coat, which I shed during the first minute of our make-out session. His jacket is folded over his left shoulder, making me admire his broad build. He jumps out of the taxi, a skip in his step, and grabs my sweaty palm.

I duck my head and step out into the smoggy air. Being the gentleman the he is, Max kisses the top of my hand, and then motions towards his brownstone. “The castle, my fair lady.” His raspy voice makes my heart fail to function properly.

I murmur out something cutesy in return. “Dear prince, I see the castle, but where is the moat?” Max laughs, then rummages in his pocket for money without glancing down at his slacks. For this whole magical minute, his eyes are on me.

Max finally turns around towards the taxi driver, who’s awkwardly watching our interactions from ten feet away. He hands a crumpled twenty to the balding man, and leaves our presence in an instant.

We are alone on the corner of Forty-second and Broad, my heart now beating like an eight-oh-eight drum. I stare back at the man who had pretty much been my life over the past five months. I had fallen madly in love with Max Webster. The way his wavy, dark brown hair swooped over his eyes could make me swoon any time, and his sweet personality was even better. He had given me his adoration, and I know he wanted to do the deed now.

It wasn’t like I didn’t want to; I craved Max’s body with every fiber of my being. I just don’t know how you can be so close to someone without getting hurt.

He closes his hands over mine, and the frigid New York chill freezes our noses. Max leans in towards my face, and angles his lips so he’s in perfect line. His arms wriggle around me and pull me into his embrace. I love him and I feel safe in his arms, but I’m afraid he’s like the rest of my exes. They only used me.

Neither of us have said ‘I love you’ to each to each other yet. I worry that he just wants sex from me; it’s not uncommon for a member of the male species to want that.

I know that Max is the best guy I’ve dated. I like to think that his kisses are like physical ‘I love you’s, but I always feel stupid after that thought goes through my mind.

Our kisses are now passionate, our tongues dancing to the rhythm of a waltz. Max’s lips leave mine and trail their way down my jaw line and to my neck. Little gasps leave my mouth and kiss his ears; my sounds always turn him on. He plays with a strand of my dirty blonde hair, then pulls back and stares intently into my eyes.

“Let’s go inside.” His whisper is soft but seductive. In a flourish, he uses his enormous biceps to scoop me up in his arms, like the end of some corny romance movie. Her lifts me up easily and glides up onto the front steps. He tries to get his keys from his pocket while still holding me, but it doesn’t work out that well. Nuzzling my neck, he sets me down and finally reaches for his keys. The lock turns and the metal door flies open.

All I can hope for now is that Max won’t hurt me at my most vulnerable. I need to know that I can fall in love with someone who actually feels the same way I do.

Max turns back to me and undoubtedly has the biggest smile of the night on his face. His gaze is hugging my soul. This time around, his green eyes show amazement, respect, and maybe even love. He’s making me feel like I’m actually worth the entire world to him. A goofy grin lights up my face and I feel like messy mush.

My sexy man picks me up again, with more vigor than the latter. He gives me a gentle kiss on my cheek and leans toward one side of my head.

The most beautiful, sensual, melodic words leave Max’s mouth as his hot breath sooths my ear.

I. Love. You.”

Fin <3
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Hello there! So what I love about this piece is that you tap into a very common feeling that people, especially women (of course, I Can only speak for women, haha), feel when they're in a relationship: uncertainty. It's so common a feeling, it's one that many will find easy to relate to.

However there are a few things I think you could do with this to make it even better. One thing that really stuck out to me was that you don't show the main characters conflict, you just have her tell us about it.

Neither of us have said ‘I love you’ to each to each other yet. I worry that he just wants sex from me; it’s not uncommon for a member of the male species to want that.

I know that Max is the best guy I’ve dated. I like to think that his kisses are like physical ‘I love you’s, but I always feel stupid after that thought goes through my mind.


Even though these are great lines, they don't do enough for me in the conflict department. I want to feel the emotional worry burn through her - and through me, as a result. Instead I Just have to trust the fact that this guy is the best. What makes him the best, and why were all the others worse? What really happened to her that makes her so nervous? And can she actually trust someone when they say "I love you"? You skirted over some strong emotions, instead focusing on making out and random comments on taxi drivers and stuff. It makes their relationship seem more shallow than the main character even realizes.

It might require you to rewrite this whole scene, but I promise you it would be very rewarding for this short story in the end. As it is, there is not real "conflict, climax, solution" format, it's just sort of an observation of a relationship. Which is fine, but you have so much in it already, you might as well punch it up as best as you can.

Another thing that irritated me was just how perfect the male character is. So, not only is he the best boyfriend she has ever had, but he also has nice arms and is a good kisser and tells her she loves him... Where are the flaws? Real people have flaws. Right now, your character looks like he was pulled right out of a Harry-Sue Harlequin novel. Which some people like, but if you want this to be realistic, your characters need to fit that bill. Your main character, the narrator, does have the fault of uncertainty, but I feel like her boyfriend is way too perfect.

Like I said, you have a great idea behind it but I feel like it could be so much better, and I trust you can make it better. :) I hope this review helped! PM me if you have any questions.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Wow, I think this is a great story. I love how you express all the senses, the smell of the cab, the feel of Max's lips... I really like how it all leads up to the 'I love you' at the end :) Over all good job and I'd like to read more :)




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Hey there! I liked it!

The leather is warm and sticky under my legs, and the taxi smells like B.O. and cheap cologne, but I don’t care. My lips are professing their needs and hungers to Max, whose response is just as enthusiastic as mine.

I like the first part. It's direct.

You wrote a realistic story which makes it very likable.
Keep writing, okay?
Haha. I'd be reading more.

-KAT <3
REVIEW!!!
'cause I review back. XD XD XD




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This was good, but we don't know anything about the characters except what they are feeling or doing in these few moments you right about. You definitely were able to vocalize commmon feelings, but I think this could have been done more creatively and with more depth/levels within the text itself. Your writing is good and your descriptions are very clear, but I think it needs more dimension. Overall, good work.




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I loved this story! This was one of the stories that made me want to join Young Writers Society! I admire this story! Thank you for inspiring me to join this site!
Have a great day




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This was just about as good as it gets..
I'm mad about your story! I don't have anythign to nitpick out of your story. It was quirk-less.
You are a writer. A true writer. You know how to make the reader fell like they are in the place,watching the story enfold/happen.
I haven't read a story like this one since I joined YWS.
PLease PM when YOu write more.. I just can't wait to read more of your fantastic work.

Follow me and please read my story Paralysed in Action/Adventure stories.

Your Fan,
kaka x x :D :D
Got YWS?

If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P



For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein