The Jewish Princess (Title Tenative)

This is my first draft of a 100% dialoage story.

“Mommy, what does that say?”
“What does what say, sweetie?”
“That. The big sign up there.”
“You know mommy can’t read German, sweetie. Hold on. Sir? What does that sign up there say? My daughter
wants to know.”
“That one?”
“Yes, please.”
“It says ‘Work makes you free’. Huh, that’d be nice. I’ll take any way to get out of this place. Don’t tell your kid this, lady, but between you and me, this place smells like death.”
“What’d the man say?”
“Nothing, sweetie. He said that he can smell something cooking.”
“Good. I’m hungry.”
“I’m sure we’ll eat soon. Now, didn’t you want to know what that sign said?”
“What sign?”
“Silly, the one on the arch, remember?”
“Oh! What does it say, mommy?”
“It says ‘Work makes you free”. Are you ready to work, sweetie?”
“No. Daddy said I was a princess, and princesses never have to work.”
“Well, maybe, but—”
“Where’s daddy?”
“He had to go the right with all the other men. But mommy’s still here with you, sweetie, so don’t worry. And the man at the table back there said that we can still see daddy when we’re working.”
“But mommy, I don’t wanna work!”
“Yentl, be quiet! Please, you need to be good, ok? A good princess.”
“I’m a good princess! Daddy said so and mommy did, too!”
“Shush, princess.”
“I can shush, mommy.”
“Good.”
*** *** ***
“Mommy, why is the line taking so long?”
“There’s a lot of people here, sweetie.”
“Ok, but I’m hungry.”
“I know, sweetie, but first we have to go through the showers up there, see? After that we get new clothes.”
“Are they nice clothes?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hey! Hey, here’s a pretty one right here, sir!”
“Good catch, Ewald. And just about to be chambered, too. My! You’ve got a good eye, son. Bring her here.”
“Come here, pig!”
“Excuse me, mister, I am no pig and I am not going with you. I am going to take my shower and see my husband.”
“Mommy, who’s that?”
“Not now, sweetie.”
“Ewald, what’s the holdup? I told you to bring that bitch here, so get her here!”
“She says she ain’t coming with us, sir!”
“Damn what she says, get her over here!”
“I won’t ask nice again, you, now come here!”
“No! My daughter—”
“Bring her, too. I hear Jürgen likes the little ones—”
“How dare you—”
“Ewald, if you don’t want to be whipped, bring that Jew over here! Never mind the girl, just get her!”
“Agh, stop squirming, you swine!”
“Stop hurting my mommy!”
“You want some, you little brat? Here!”
“Mommy, I—ow! Stop it—ow, mommy!”
“No! Stop it, please! Stop hitting her! Alright, I’ll go with you just leave my baby alone!”
“Ewald!”
“Coming, sir!”
“Mommy, where’re you going? Come back!”
“No, Orna! Go to the showers! Go see daddy!”
“But mommy, I’m scared, where’s—”
“Shut up, you little bitch. C’mere, you. This way.”
“Mommy, am I still a princess?”
“I said shut it! Now let’s get going, Jew pig, you’ve got work to do.”
“Yes, sweetie, you’re still a princess and I still—”
“Enough! Both of you Jews! You’re both going to the same place, so silence!”
“We’re going to the same—?”
“Ewald!”
“I got her, sir!”

Hey there.
I like your plot. The holocaust...
Anyways, although you tried to write your story in 100% dialogue, it's still confusing. XD
I'm not saying you should change it. I understand what you're trying to achieve, and I liked it.

Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-KAT <3

hey there!
There is just something about a dialogue that is always intriguing. I think if you would have written this in any other form it would have been less interesting. Excellent job! I could really see what was going on just by what everyone was saying. Although I did feel for the mother and daughter, I think you need to work on your emotions a little more. I should be crying by the end of this story.

Other than that I thought it was very nice! I'll be looking for more of your work!

-gabriella(:

Hey. I actually just wrote a story very similar to this, and I'm a complete Holocaust nerd. As well as a proud Zionist, though I guess that's neither here or there. Anyway, I know my history pretty well and as such I found a lot of this unrealistic. The basic plot is there but the characters' actions and mannerisms feel pretty off. So I apologize because this is going to be harsh.

“Mommy, what does that say?”

“What does what say, sweetie?”

“That. The big sign up there.”

“You know mommy can’t read German, sweetie. Hold on. Sir? What does that sign up there say? My daughter

wants to know.” Okay, so I'm assuming the girl is pretty young, like six? That's the image I get from this story. So she wouldn't know it's in German, she would just know she can't read it. I found thus found the mother's dialogue here pretty unrealistic. She'd probably say something like "I can't read it, sweetie, it's in German. Sir? What does that sign say?" The "my daughter wants to know" part is superfluous and conveys a much too at-ease tone. Even if they don't know what's in store, they know by now at least that they're entering a concentration camp. The whole lot of newcomers would be extremely subdued, frightened, weary, etc etc. Most of them just arrived in boxcars where they were packed like cattle and where many died of suffocation or thirst. This isn't their first taste of hell. Even if they were relatively ignorant to the greater events of the Holocaust, they still would know enough to be extremely wary and weary.
“That one?” There'd only be one huge sign; I think it'd be pretty obvious what she was talking about, especially if she pointed. I realize you're trying to convey actions through dialogue, but don't. Or at least, don't force it. Just say what would be the most natural, leave the rest up to subtly and inference. So I'd say to cut this one and the next "yes please"

“Yes, please.”

“It says ‘Work makes you free’. Huh, that’d be nice. This is a fellow inmate, I'm assuming? This bolded dialogue would thus be very unrealistic. All the newcomers, as I said before, would be dead tired and dead scared. They're not just like "oh, what do we have here." I'd thus suggest making all of your dialogue way more subdued. The whole tone of the dialogue throughout this piece should be just that - subdued by the Jews/inmates and completely harsh by the Nazis. I’ll take any way to get out of this place. Don’t tell your kid this, lady, but between you and me, this place smells like death.” Of course she wouldn't tell her kid this. It feels a bit forced/weird, especially that he took such care to say this. And, they wouldn't just be like "oh, this place is kind of scary." They would be internally freaking out, or freaking out with their family members/acquaintances. This whole line of dialogue would be more realistic as something like "It says 'work makes you free'. I highly doubt that. This place feels like death." But even that last sentence I don't like, because I'd imagine he'd give a very taciturn, solemn reply; he wouldn't just open up to a stranger in this type of tone.

“What’d the man say?”

“Nothing, sweetie. He said that he can smell something cooking.”

“Good. I’m hungry.”

“I’m sure we’ll eat soon. Now, didn’t you want to know what that sign said?”

“What sign?”

“Silly, the one on the arch, remember?” Much too lightly spoken. I appreciate that possibility that she's trying to make things light for her daughter's sake, but I doubt it would extend this far given the circumstances.

“Oh! What does it say, mommy?” Children are pretty intuitive. The whole mood of the place and of the lot of newcomers would me a mix between extremely solemn and desperately afraid. The tone of the child's dialogue here (and throughout the piece, for that matter) is much too light and not nearly scared/tired enough.

“It says ‘Work makes you free”. Are you ready to work, sweetie?”

“No. Daddy said I was a princess, and princesses never have to work.” Same comment as above.

“Well, maybe, but—”

“Where’s daddy?”

“He had to go the right with all the other men. But mommy’s still here with you, sweetie, so don’t worry. And the man at the table back there said that we can still see daddy when we’re working.” A Nazi most likely would not have said this. They would have told you that you are going to the showers, and that so are the other people or possibly something along the lines of the fact that they separate the Jews into two groups. And they would make it clear that if you asked more questions you would be beaten or shot.

“But mommy, I don’t wanna work!”

“Yentl, be quiet! Please, you need to be good, ok? A good princess.”

“I’m a good princess! Daddy said so and mommy did, too!”

“Shush, princess.”

“I can shush, mommy.” Again, the child would just be crying or completely tired or afraid. The atmosphere is not one that could lend itself to this kind of dialogue; there would be no need to tell a child to be good. There'd just be a need to tell them to be quiet as in stop crying/stop freaking out, or there'd just be a need to tell them that everything would be okay.

“Good.”

*** *** ***

“Mommy, why is the line taking so long?”

“There’s a lot of people here, sweetie.”

“Ok, but delete that. Her dialogue shouldn't be completely sensible or responsive. It should be direct. I’m hungry.”

“I know, sweetie, but first we have to go through the showers up there, see? After that we get new clothes.”

“Are they nice clothes?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey! Hey, here’s a pretty one right here, sir!” Don't like word choice of "pretty" nor the fervor of this exclamation. Their admiration of her beauty lends too much respect to her - that would've never happened. Jews were disgusting rats; they weren't human to the Nazis. Possibly, he could've said something like "There's a decent-looking whore over here, sir," in a very apathetic/ uncaring way.

“Good catch, Ewald. And just about to be chambered, too. My! You’ve got a good eye, son. Bring her here.” This line made me cringe. Making a verb out of chambered? Just say "gassed." And again, much too much respect. She's a Jew, she's not even fit to be their whore. They would not be able to think she was beautiful. All they would be able to see is a Jew. They still might want to fuck her, sure, but they wouldn't be like "oh my god what a beauty!" They would be just like "save that one for fucking." You know? (sorry, excuse my language.) And, I don't really think this would happen. If she's already in the line to be gassed, they wouldn't take her out of that, even if she's really pretty, unless it was the capricious desire of a very high ranking officer. But that would be rare. But they wouldn't be able to see beauty. They would just see Jewish vermin. If she was pretty they'd probably hate her/ beat her more. If they wanted women to rape, they'd most likely just go to the area where the women inmates work, the ones not yet destined for the gas chambers. I'm actually not too sure the history behind that, but I bet there'd be a group of the working women in each camp specifically used as whores.

“Come here, pig!” "Pig" is not nearly strong enough. If you are going to go there with the innuendos and the situational context, you really should go all the way with the language. I'd suggest "cunt" for what they call her. Though bitch/whore/slut could work too. "Slut" I think would work well actually.

“Excuse me, mister, I am no pig and I am not going with you. I am going to take my shower and see my husband.” NO. No Jewish women aiming to stay alive would ever, ever this. This is just basically saying "please shoot me right now!" Because they would. They were very generous with shooting people in the lines. And no Jewish women would everrr refuse to do something a Nazi asked. She would know this.

“Mommy, who’s that?”

“Not now, sweetie.”

“Ewald, what’s the holdup? I told you to bring that bitch here, so get her here!”

“She says she ain’t coming with us, sir!” Hell no would a Nazi ever take that from a Jewish woman. He would have beat her or shot her right then and there for saying that, and either killed her flat out or immediately forced her to come along. The immediate killing would be the realistic one, though.

“Damn what she says, get her over here!”

“I won’t ask nice again, you, now come here!” He wouldn't ever have asked.

“No! My daughter—”

“Bring her, too. I hear Jürgen likes the little ones—” Nah, unrealistic. Not that Nazis would want to rape little girls, they're definitely inhuman enough to do that, but just the whole idea. They wouldn't be taken out of the line. Nazis were strict, and they were orderly. They would remain in the line until they were in the gas chamber. There would not be this much Nazi-induced chaos.

“How dare you—”

“Ewald, if you don’t want to be whipped, bring that Jew over here! Never mind the girl, just get her!”

“Agh, stop squirming, you swine!”

“Stop hurting my mommy!”

“You want some, you little brat? Here!” They wouldn't say this, they would just do it.

“Mommy, I—ow! Stop it—ow, mommy!”

“No! Stop it, please! Stop hitting her! Alright, I’ll go with you just leave my baby alone!” This wouldn't be her decision, you know? She would've been beaten/killed a long time ago for her very first refusal.
“Ewald!”

“Coming, sir!”

“Mommy, where’re you going? Come back!” Too sensical. Her thoughts are formed and articualed much too well for a child, and especially for a child in this situation at that. She would probably just scream "Mommy!"

“No, Orna! Go to the showers! Go see daddy!”

“But mommy, I’m scared, where’s—” Again, too well formulated.

“Shut up, you little bitch. C’mere, you. This way.”

“Mommy, am I still a princess?” No. I'm sorry, I see what you're trying to do, and how the princess line starts to give that tragic semblance, but it just feels too unrealistic for me. And a little forced, the princess lines.

“I said shut it! Now let’s get going, Jew pig would like "cunt" or "slut" better here., you’ve got work to do.”

“Yes, sweetie, you’re still a princess and I still—” same comment

“Enough! Both of you Jews! You’re both going to the same place, so silence!”

“We’re going to the same—?”

“Ewald!”

“I got her, sir!”

For my overall comment I would just repeat that the mannerisms of both the Jews and the Nazis were unrealistic - the Jews should be more subdued, terrified, and obedient, and the Nazis should be more forceful, orderly, and uncaring. I'm sorry to completely rip this apart. You did a good job revealing everything through the dialogue, which was your intent. It's just that the history depicted was unrealistic. The execution may've seemed good had I not known so much history on this. It's not that you're a bad writer or anything, far from it. It's just that when you choose to pick the Holocaust as your topic, you're inviting reviews such as mine - because if you're going to do the Holocaust, it has to be historically perfect, or else it will not work. At least, it will not work in the eyes of readers who are well acquainted with the setting. I'd suggest you read Night if you haven't already, it's brilliantly haunting in general and will help you understand everything about concentration camps. And it's just one of those books that everybody needs to have read at least once in their lifetime. Good luck with this. Let me know if you have any questions or comments, or if you need help with anything.

Wow. That's the first thing I've got to say. My second is: good job. It can be tricky to build a story through dialogue, and in this case the reader certainly needed a bit of background, but you did a great job showing the action through what the characters said. The little girl was especially vivid in my mind. I could clearly see her naivete, and also the mother's desperation as she was taken away from her child. Powerful.