All Forms of a Road

Come one, come all, I'm having a ball.
I roll on dry leaves and crusted chestnuts.
With white, scraped arrows on black cotton streets,
I'm having a ball for people to meet.

Come near, come far, he doesn't care who you are.
Tilting the axis, and winter dwells within.
The forks mark our fate on one god forsaken path,
he's having a ball to kill him; he's mad!

Come strong, come weak, come take a peek.
Lillian, my dear, I fear for the sweet caress of gentle poison.
Not looking back on this slit, abandoned road,
I'm having a ball to lift this fake load.

Come one, come all, he's having a ball.
Dawn surely breaks a horizon, as his heart will never beat.
With white, human sacrifices on one lane free ways,
he's having a ball to send himself away.

Heyo, I'll be your reviewer today, tonight, whatever
So, I like it, its different. Its an idea that I haven't seen before in a poem. So, I give thumbs up on originality. I also like the use of rhymes. However, saying this, the second stanza does not fit in with the way that you try to rhyme the rest of the poem. Also, going backwards, I'm not sure how well the last line of the first stanza fits in. I would try and change it, but its your call.

Lillian, my dear, I fear for the sweet caress of gentle poison.

This also doesn't make perfect sense, doesn't he want to die? Why would he fear it if he wants it? I know you can fear something and want it at the same time...I dunno. Your call on this as well. It might change the feeling too much if you change this part.

Other than that I like it. Its different. It rhymes well in most places. Just try and decide if you want it to rhyme all the way through or not, it should stay one way or another.

CAn be!

Hibiscus wrote:Come one, come all, I'm having a ball.
I roll on dry leaves and crusted chestnuts.
With white, scraped arrows on black cotton streets,
I'm having a ball for people to meet.

Come near, come far, he doesn't care who you are.
Tilting the axis, and winter dwells within.
The forks mark our fate on one god forsaken path,
he's having a ball to kill him; he's mad!

Come strong, come weak, come take a peek.
Lillian, my dear, I fear for the sweet caress of gentle poison.
Not looking back on this slit, abandoned road,
I'm having a ball to lift this fake load.

Come one, come all, he's having a ball.
Dawn surely breaks a horizon, as his heart will never beat.
With white, human sacrifices on one lane free ways,
he's having a ball to send himself away.