The Balance: Lydia Rain

Spoiler

This story has four P.O.V. characters as listed in the description. They come from different parts of the same world (Orion). This is based off of what I know as the "String Theory" Where everything is connected to something else. Once choice can changed the world.

I skipped over to the counter of the pub, batting my eyes at the bartender.
"Please Slime," I begged, "Won' ya spear me just'a few?" The muscular bartender Slime turned around with a sloppy grin.
"No." He laughed holding two matching mugs brimming with liquid. I danced around the counter and put my hand on the other side blocking his way.
"For old times." A wild grin spread on my face.
"No Lyd," He looked past me trying to find a way out. "You have your work and I have mine."
I moved my hand away as he pushed past me to a table brimming with customers. All mostly drunk.
"Aw, ya know waitressin' don' pay nothin'." I complained as he gathered empty mugs and a man with a pair of dice rolled. It landed on the number eight. Five for one and three for the other.
"Having fun gentlemen." Slime bellowed.
"Yes," Said one, stupidity grinning.
"Have a go at it," Shouted another.
"No thank you. I don't believe in fortunes." With that he turned an marched back .
"Now I'm not askin' much," I continued, following him. "Just a little sip of a Fire Dancer is all."
"Who becomes the Fire Dancer, Lydia?" He countered, winking.
"Aw Slime, you no fun. Ya know that?" I sat on a stool my head resting on my hands.
"Lydia, I'm already doin' your job."
"I'll do my job." I promised.
"Well," He hesitated, "I don' know." He looked down, his beefy arms wiped the counter off. "They're mighty expensive." He said shaking his head.
"Look, I'll finish off that table and I'll give ya...a fourth of the tips."
"I want half."
"Slime," I started.
"Lyd, I've been doing your job all day. I get half, its a fair deal."
"Fine. I'll give ya half, but I better get a full glass." I said spitting into my hand.
"Deal." He replied spitting into his.
"Deal." He replied spitting into his. We shook once.
"Get over there."
I scurried over to the

Spoiler

Lydia is starting us off but if you think I could do better with another character going first then tell me and I will take your opinion into account.

Hey, so overall I like it. Just one quick thing to point out. I would help with grammar, but that's not really my forte.
So, the one thing.

I noticed him leaving to quickly for it be casual, luckily I followed him and the chase had continued throughout the night.

I know you wanted to give the idea of a long chase, but its probably better to make it an amount of time that is less than, "throughout the night". Especially since you mention that both the characters are still just inside a city. It just strikes me as unlikely to last that long.

Other than that, good job and I'm curious what happens in your next draft!

Hey there, Berlynn. Firefly here for a review!

Well, since I usually conduct my reviews while reading, I guess I'll jump right into it! Any further comments I have on this piece will be at the end.

(Blue words) represent my personal comments
Green words are corrections to spelling/punctuation/etc
Red words that are struck out should be removed entirely

I ran throughout the night (You can't run through the night, because the night is an intangible object. You can run through a puddle but if you're going to run all night, you're running throughout it); breathing was becoming difficult. My legs burned yet a part of me pushed to go faster at the thought of a reward. Oh, how handsomely I would be paid for this one. The man was sprinting just a few feet from me. He had long jet black hair and clothes that resembled a peasant. I knew he wasn't (How does she know? Don't tell the reader things like this; show us by describing character's thoughts/feelings/actions). He was quick with the sword and spoke as if he was well educated (Again, how does she know? Did she speak to him before? If so, have your character reflect on a conversation they had. If not, then don't mention this).

OK, so thus far you have a character. She's running because she's chasing someone; someone she's paid to catch. So, what do we know after the first paragraph? Almost nothing. You immediately jumped into an action scene, and while this is a good tactic for catching a reader's attention, yours feels a little empty and almost forced. Here's a helpful article on how to write a pretty good beginning: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic46030.html.

I remembered when I had first known of this thief's existence. The Great King Theorinn had told me he would pay my in forty YouPo's. I didn't care who he was or what he had done, the reward was too much to turn down. I was the best at what I had done and forty would put me in the higher class (The best at what? Killing? And how high do these classes go? What class is she at now? You're telling us a lot of information but we aren't seeing anything). Theorinn told me to look for a man with long hair named Zandreed. I had found Zandreed at a local pub; it was uncommon for a woman to drink but I needed it (Why is it uncommon? Is there a great divide between the genders of this world? Are women not treated as man's equal? If so, then why is this woman able to be a bounty hunter, which is usually a man's job?). I had been thinking to much of home. Then he saw me, I was the best at what I did so he had recognized me only too easily (Again, you're telling us what's happening instead of showing). I noticed him leaving too quickly for it be casual (How does one take a casual leave? Maybe you could show us this difference instead of telling?), luckily I followed him and the chase had continued throughout the night.

I mentioned "show, don't tell" a few times earlier because you seem to have the nasty habit of telling the reader what's happening instead of painting us a picture of every scene. Telling is for documentaries and autobiographies, but showing is for fantasy (actually, it's for all genres of fiction, but since you're writing a fantasy novel...)! Here's a link to an article that will help to explain what I mean when I say you should show instead of tell: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post482410.html?hilit=show%20and%20tell#p482410

I glanced at him now

I sighed grateful. (Gratefully? Or maybe: "sighed, grateful for blah blah blah"? What you have here is an incomplete fragment; read it out loud. Without any punctuation to signal a break in the sentence (ex, a comma to tell the reader it's time for a quick breath), it just meshes together)

All of the petty thief's and simple? beggars.

to get clay stunning balls. (Clay...stunning balls. Some kind of high-tech device for that time? Though I'd guess that something like this wouldn't be made of clay. Could be wrong, though!)

OK, honestly--I skimmed over the rest of this. I'm sorry, but this just didn't captivate me like I wanted it to. There are a few grammatical errors that you should have caught when proofreading, your characters are more like cardboard cutouts than real people, and there was just too much telling and not enough showing. Here's a short but pretty fair article on the basics of characterization: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic15142.html?hilit=characterization

With these tips and some effort, this chapter could very well turn around and smack all my criticism back at me. And believe me, I want that to happen! Make me eat my words by showing me your story!

I'll be keeping an eye on this, so keep writing!
~Firefly

hello Berlynn.
I'm Emily, and I'm going to try my best at this reviewing thing.

My impression on this chapter of your fantasy novel, was that it wasn't exactly up to scratch and publishing standard which i believe you will want to happen eventually with this story, or i hope. the story didn't have enough depth and heart as i have read in some really good books. you need to watch this because if your story hasn't had the best of you put into it, it lacks the emotions you need to express throughout the book.

I like this chapter because I think the plot is a good idea except that its a little rushed, like you wanted to get it finished and over and done with. Just slow it down a little and put your heart and soul into YOUR creation.

Some points to consider.

I ran through the night, breathing was becoming difficult. My legs burned yet a part of me pushed to go faster at the thought of a reward.

Maybe explain how much pain she is going through while chasing after this other character? Does her chest ache so bad it felt like it was exploding? Did she feel like she was going to feint and fall to her death? Go into more detail so that the readers feel the pain or exhaustion the character is.
Also detail the first sentence. Like the surroundings, for example. "The ground was hard while my feet crunched against the gravel, while chasing after...." Or explain the smells in the atmosphere. What does she feel while running through the night. Was it a cool night or a hot night?

It is a good start and I hope too read more of it. Keep it up.

Thanks all I have been thinking about all of your comments and I am editing this chapter hopefully soon when I get a chance. Thanks for the tips.

I like this! Sometimes it was a little hard with the grammar mistakes and everything, but just polish it up a little and it's good as new.
That's all I have for suggestions!Keep continuing with this (:

--Lollipopper

Everything I would have had against this has been said already! I really enjoyed this. Some grammatical errors that have already been touched on. So really, all I have left to say is keep writing! I would really like to read more of this. It sounds like a great story, and I want to read it!

Really very good - intriguing, suspenseful and gripping. Really!

A few small comments. There are a number of small typos - for example 'I looked me right in the eyes'.
Secondly, YouPos feels very contrived. How about the generic 'crowns'?

Finally, in the first part, I got the impression that you were being chased by Zandreed - it wasn't clear that he was your captive, which he must have been in order for you to get the bounty. Only later did this become clear.

My eight year old daughter says this about the story.

I thought this book was great. I like the way you describe people as nice or not nice. When you said 'I didn't feel like hunting, I wanted to drink my worries away', I thought that was a very good mixture of words. There's only one thing I'm confused about; I don't have a clue about what the YouPo's and Bounties are. If you've got more to post, can you post it because the first bit is so good that if you've got more, I would love to see it and make a comment about it.

Hello, BerlynnRae. I'll be your reviewer for today. Be warned that I can get very nitpicky and in-depth; sometimes I end up writing paragraphs for a single sentence. So yeah, that means my reviews are extra long, though I hope they aren't tl;dr length. XD

I ran through the night, breathing was becoming difficult.[

"Ran through the night" is a rather vague image and cliche language, to boot. Yes, I know you want to say that it's nighttime and that she's running, but there are probably more elegant, more original ways to say that. You don't even have to point out that it's even night at all; you can just say something to the effect of she can't see anything ahead of her. Depending on the setting, you can also set the scene in different ways; for instance, running in and out of patches of streetlamp light in a city, or pushing through bramble and undergrowth in a forest.

The sentence, as it is, is also a run-on. You can't stick two independent clauses together with a comma; you need to either add a conjunction or a use a semicolon or dash. However, I wouldn't advise keeping the sentence in its current form anyway (for the reasons pointed out above). Just an FYI, though, because run-ons are quite a common error to make.

My legs burned yet a part of me pushed to go faster at the thought of a reward

I'd say the sentence would flow more smoothly, not to mention you'd have parallelism, if you replaced "a part of me" with "my mind."

He had long jet black hair and clothes that resembled a peasant

Why not describe what those clothes looked like, instead of saying "they resembled a peasant" (by the way, I think you mean "peasant's clothes," not just a peasant himself ). Peasants throughout the ages and in different cultures have dressed differently, after all.

I knew he wasn't. He was quick with the sword and spoke as if he was well educated.

And how does the narrator know this? Sounds like he/she has encountered the main character before, which makes it odd that you'd start in the middle of the chase. Sounds like an exciting confrontation could've been depicted at the start of the novel, instead of dumping us straight into a chase scene.

I remembered when I had first known of this thief's existence. The Great King Theorinn had told me he would pay my in forty YouPo's. I didn't care who he was or what he had done. The reward was to much to turn down. I was the best at what I had done and forty would put me in the higher class. Theorinn told me to look for a man with long hair named Zandreed. I had found Zandreed at a local pub, it was uncommon for a woman to drink but I needed it. I had been thinking to much of home. Then he saw me, I was the best at what I did so he had recognized me only to easily. I noticed him leaving to quickly for it be casual, luckily I followed him and the chase had continued throughout the night.

Okay, this pretty much convinces me that you've started in the wrong place. Don't worry excessively about that--I guarantee you that the beginning of your book is probably the one part you'll end up rewriting the most. As you should, since the beginning's meant to hook the reader into continuing a story. But anyway, this is all backstory and it's given as a single, clumsy, dump of information. This is not engaging. It's basically a list of "I did this, I did that." Which is a shame because damn if this isnt' the material for an interesting confrontation.

It's interesting because most of the time I have to advise people to start where the story begins--that is, once you run out of backstory. A lot of people make the mistake of starting a story too early, with loads and loads of backstory from the get-go. But you've started it a little too late, turning the parts that should've been story into backstory. It seems to me an excellent place to start the story and kick off a tense confrontation would be at the bar, while the main character is waiting for Zandreed.

Also, one little, but important, quibble--if the main character is best at what she does (which is implied to be a form of bounty hunting), then it would not be to her advantage to be easily recognizable. She would probably maintain a lot of disguises and take great pains not to reveal her true identity--maybe she'd have a bit of a reptuation but it would all be attached to a name, not a face. Mercenaries/kidnappers/criminals are more intimidating when we don't know how they look than when we do. If anything, she would know that if her face is famous, then she could easily be identified and caught.

I mean, if she were a famous soldier or leader or whatnot, of course everyone would know her face, but it's incongruous with her actual line of work.

I glanced it him now, my face was hot with sweat and my eyes couldn't focus easily in the dark. He was slowing from a brisk sprint to a jog. I sighed grateful.

Ah, seems like you're missing some punctuation here. Remember what I said about commas and independent clauses; that first comma should be a semicolon, and there should be a comma between "sighed" and "grateful."

I had chased him through the higher class city and now he was trapped, stuck to the outer wall.

Now I'm kind of wondering what this "higher class city" looks like. I'm assuming this city is very socially stratified, given what you've hinted earlier. However, I'd like to have at least some idea of what makes this "higher class city" so high-class. Are the buildings bigger, are the streets paved in marble, does it have gas lamps? Even little throwaway details such as these can build the setting more concretely in the reader's mind. I know you'd rather write the excitement of the chase scene over background descriptions, but if you don't include any background detail, the chase scene might as well be occuring in empty air.

He turned facing me

"He turned, facing me," maybe? Even that's a bit awkward--you might as well just say "he turned," the implication is that he's turning in the main character's direction (where else would he turn?).

"Well, Bounty Hunter

Is "Bounty Hunter" her title, of sorts, and not just a job description? Because if it isn't, then it shouldn't be capitalized.

I just smiled, he would be easy just like everyone else.

Every time you type the word "just," unless you're using it as a synonym for "fair," look at it long and hard and ask if it's really necessary. In this case, it's probably not.

Also remember what commas are for. Commas aren't joiners, they're "slow down" signs.

All of the petty thief's and smile beggars.

"Thiefs" is plural, "thief's" is possessive. And I am not entirely sure what a "smile beggar" is.

I reached into a small pouch to get clay stunning balls

There's nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically, but it is a bit vague and could do with a little more specific description. For instance, "get" is a very vague and weak word--you could do well with a stronger verb, such as "retrieved," maybe. Whatever floats your boat. And if you're inventive enough to come up with your own term for the currency, surely you can come up with a word for "clay stunning balls." Maybe I'm just dirty or corrupted after years of using the internet for its intended purpose, but my mind goes to directions it'd rather not when I read those words.

"I'll pay you double." He offered,

topic41705.html
Handy tutorial on dialogue punctuation.

There's nothing all that wrong with the scene in which Zandreed leaves, but it doesn't quite engage me the way it should. Maybe because everything feels so...rushed. Actually, this entire story has felt rather rushed. I can understand that, because come on, you're excited just to get your ideas onto the page! But in revising, make sure to add a lot more depth. This story is told from first person perspective, but it's telling that it doesn't really feel like it--because we get almost nothing about the main character's thoughts and feelings. One of the best advantages to first person is that we readers can nestle intimately into the main character's mind. If a third person narrator is a little imp sitting on the character's shoulder, then a first person narrator is an imp inside the character's skull. Some of the best first persons feature the character's running commentary on everything that's happening to them. Case in point--Bartimaeus' narration in The Bartimaeus Trilogy. It's witty, snarky, and bursting with character. Reading his narration, it's impossible to mistake it for anyone else's and it's impossible to see it in any way but first person. Whereas for your story so far, all I have to do is change the "I"'s to "she" and the story is...the same.

We do get to burrow a little into the main character's mind, but not enough. She talks about her past, a little, and how she misses home, but aside from that she has almost nothing to say on the situation. It's just action, her chasing Zandreed and then talking to him. Because it's pure action it's devoid of any tension. We don't understand the main character's--the narrator's emotions and motivations, and that causes the scene to fall flat. It'd be poignant indeed if you took a while setting up the narrator's unfortunate financial situation as well as gave her commentary and thoughts that go beyond the skin deep. But as it is, it's just a lot happening very quickly and it rushes right past us with no impact whatsoever.

Argh, I don't think I'm making much sense. It's very difficult to explain exactly what makes a good first person narrative. Your best bet is to read a lot of stories that utilize first person. The Bartimaeus Trilogy is a good start, because it alternates between third person and first person perspective, which I think is an excellent exercise in showing that first person is not just third person with "I" instead of "she." Another book I'd recommend is The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. It's not fantasy, but it alternates between five first person perspectives and it's a triumphant example of first person done right. Each character has her own style of narration, to the point where if you flip open the book to a random page and read a few paragraphs, you will know EXACTLY who is talking just by the style of their writing alone.

I don't think this is entirely your fault because a lot of YA stories these days are first person, but first person in the "substitute I for she" variety. That is, not good first person. So I can see why you're having a little trouble utilizing that POV. Some people dislike first person strongly and will discourage you from using it; while I sympathize with why they'd feel that way, I think that if done right first person can be beautiful. You just have to be able to do it right.

What was he a wizard? A sorcerer?

I'm curious to know what the difference between the two is. Is there an actual difference or is it just pure semantics?

It was a trick and I fell for it only to easily.

This is raising some alarms, because if she's really good at what she does, it doesn't seem she'd fall for such a trick so easily. This could be easily rectified by giving her more development earlier, and more motivation for letting him go.

Her name is Lyd? Well, hopefully it's not pronounced the way it looks. Well, your character, your name, I'd say.

"What happened Raine?"

Wait...her name is Raine now? Is Lyd her last name? I'm confused...

I yelled flailing my arms.

This, combined with the barking at Slim earlier, makes her look spastic at best, childish at worst. I'm having a lot of trouble believing that she's as good at what she does as she claims to be, because she seems to have no emotional control whatsoever. Remember, you can't tell us one thing only to show us another.

"Who do you think it was? A wizard of some sort? Maybe a Warlock?"

I'm curious if you aren't just throwing these terms around, because it seems this world has a very formalized system of magic if each word means a different thing.

I am also wondering how common magic is in this world, if these two are confounded over a single gust of a wind. I mean, that seems to me like an easy trick for a magician to learn. But if it's not that common, then why would there be so many distinctions between wizard, sorcerer, and Warlock? Perhaps only higher-class people can perform magic so these lower-class people don't really understand it? Then why would they understand the differences between each class of magic user?

These questions might seem trivial, but when it comes to building an internally consistent world--which is pretty much what fantasy's about--they can make or break the reader's suspension of disbelief. Right now, they're breaking mine.

grateful for a friend who could compensate the loss with a good drink.

My, she's quite the alcoholic, isn't she? Not saying that's a bad thing, hardly isn't. In fact, if you run with it, it'd make her an interesting heroine. Nice way to break down the "good girls don't drink" stereotype that still affects so much young adult literature.

"Slivers behind you."

Do you mean "silvers?" I mean, because you point out that they're "silver tinted" in the next sentence (which brings with it its own host of problems--you mean, silver tinted as in their skin? Now I'm picturing an army of Tin Woodmen from The Wizard of Oz).

"What can I do for you gentlemen today?" Slim graciously questioned.

Now that's going overboard. A simple "asked" would be fine; it's plain that he's being gracious from his words.


The last few paragraphs make me wonder if the main character isn't actually as good as she apparently is, and is more of a washed-out alcoholic who depends on the king's generosity to continue working. Looking at it that way, she'd make quite an interesting protagonist. Different and unique in a sea of Mary-Sue-tastic super special awesome heroes and heroines. You might consider running with that angle; it'd be a lot of fun!

Normally I end with an "overall impressions" section (that often ends up being just as long as the nitpicks), but it seems everything I need to say, I said in the middle of this story, when I was talking about first person and lack of tension. That is basically the problem with your story--there's not enough emotion. Lots of interesting, cool stuff happens--a chase, a guy who disappears in a gust of wind, silver guards dragging the main character to the king--but the odd thing is I can barely bring myself to care. All this happens but I have no investment in the main character whatsoever so I'm not really interested in knowing what happens to her next.

The characters are more or less all ciphers and archetypes at this point. Bounty Hunter (Faux?) Action Girl. Mysterious Stranger. Barman. Generic Knights/Guards. They all need more flesh and blood. More motivations. We need to get into the main character's head. That's what first person POV is for. Also, you need to describe the settings a lot more. This is an entire other world! I want to know how it looks, what makes it different from ours! Draw a map or city layout if you must; lots of fantasy writers do and it is very helpful. Oh, and I'd advise coming up with in-depth profiles for all your major characters, even the villains, because reading this it doesn't seem as if you view characters as people, more like plot devices. That needs to change! List their likes, dislikes, their favorite food, their favorite place, write pages about their pasts. Hell, even list their blood types and zodiac signs if you want to. Almost none of that crap will end up in the actual story, but just knowing it makes your characters so much more real. I don't know about you, but I'd rather read about real people doing interesting things than pieces of cardboard doing interesting things.

Tl;dr: Has potential, but needs work.

PM me if you have any questions, or want to yell at me for being harsh. Good luck with your writing!

I re-did it and am in the process of editing it but I had to pre-maturely save