She's such a Drama Queen chapter 2

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Chapter 2


I tried to ignore the smirks I was getting as I stood in the canteen queue at break time, I managed to buy my lunch and stumbled to the table at the window that was currently occupied by Vanessa. I threw my roll on the table and sat down. She looked up, putting away her phone, and grabbed a bottle of orange juice.

“I hate that cow,” I muttered darkly.

“It wasn’t April that made you trip over yourself,” pointed out Vanessa for like the tenth time today.

I shrugged moodily, ugh…if only I wasn’t so caught up in the speech, and the fact that the hottest guy in school had to come up and peel me off the floor did nothing to help my self esteem.

Erik Carter is the hottest guy in school and there was no doubt about it. He was a senior, muscular, tall with a mop of stylishly messy fair hair, and emerald green eyes that sparkled with mischief and interest.

He had a heart breaking perfect smile and the most perfect tanned face. He was talented and sporty, being the school tennis champion, captain of the school rugby team, captain of the school basketball team and of course the school soccer team, he was also a regular star in the local theatre. There just wasn’t anything he couldn’t do and I guess that’s what I liked about him…the fact that he was so confident and spoke with such certainty and influence, anyone felt like they could just get up and follow him.

“You know what?” exploded Vanessa angrily, “I’m so sick and tired of her just getting away with everything!
She treats you like you’re a nobody and I just can’t believe that you let her do that to you for so long!”

“I can’t defeat her,” I replied trying to hide my surprise at her sudden mood change, “and I don’t see why you’re so worried…you don’t have to worry about anything like that…both of you are so pretty.”

“Ah, Michelle,” muttered Vanessa.

“How are you feeling?” asked Derrick, ruffling my hair as he sat down at our table, a harmonica in his hands.

“Aren’t you meant to be with your band?” I grumbled, looking at his usual table in the corner of the canteen, it was surrounded by girls and I could see the lead singer, Mike, the dark haired one with blond highlights, flirt with one of them.

Derrick grinned and played a note on his harmonica, “Not today,” he replied, “I know someone better that needs me.”

“Ugh…” I groaned. “Just three more classes and then it’s the weekend.”

“Cheer up child,” grinned Derrick then raised the harmonica to his lips and played a note.

“I can’t,” I muttered, “I can’t stand April! She’s being such a cow to me! I mean, what the hell? She humiliated me in front of our year! Do you know how embarrassing that is?!”

“You know what you should do…” suggested Derrick, slumping back in his seat and grabbing Vanessa’s orange juice and taking a sip, “write a song. Don’t bottle up your anger…let it all out with something more productive.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Vanessa, “That’s it!”

“Excuse me?” asked Derrick, raising an eyebrow.

“I figured it all out,” replied Vanessa looking delighted, “You said something about being her equal with looks and all, well you’re really nice, many people like nice people right? Well how about we make you more popular than little miss horny pants?”

“How are you going to do that?” asked Derrick.

“Yeah, how are you going to do that?” I repeated.

“A makeover,” thrilled Vanessa, “I could like completely change you, fix everything…I mean you have everything April doesn’t! And then we could work from there…take away the one thing she wants. It’ll hurt her so bad.”

“Is that how girls solve their problems?” snorted Derrick, “A makeover? You have it so easy!”

“I don’t think it’ll work,” I said, “I’m ugly remember? And she has everything I don't think there's anything we can take away.”

“You always say that about yourself," said Derrick rolling his eyes, "It drives me crazy."

I shrugged “But everyone says it…I mean name one person who likes me.”

Derrick had the decency to look sheepish, “Well…you’re not ugly,” he looked at me and his eyes softened, “You’re…”

“Different,” said Vanessa.

Derrick rolled his eyes again and looked away, “Vanessa? I think you should work on that making people feel better about themselves part because your niceness isn’t functioning.”

I sighed, “What’s your big plan?” I asked Vanessa as she opened her mouth to argue with Derrick.

It was at that moment that the doors of the canteen burst open and Erik ran in followed by his usual group of friends. He tied up the bottom of his shirt to make a belly button and wore a pink hair band on his head.

“Hey babes,” he purred sitting down at a table filled with first year boys, his group of friends burst out laughing.

Vanessa waggled her eyebrows and my mouth dropped open as I looked at her as if she was mental,

“What? Are you serious?” I hissed, “I’m not going to even try!”

“Oh come on Michelle you already got saved by him, shouldn’t that like forge some type of connection with you two!”

“NO!”

“Why not?” asked Vanessa desperately, “Come on!”

“I’m not good with boys and you well know that!”

“Well, you were brilliant on that stage,” pointed out Vanessa, “I mean, you didn’t even seem shy. A part of you is trying to get out and you’re too scared to let it out!”

“So you think getting with Erik Carter would solve that?”

“It’ll make you more popular then April,” replied Vanessa smiling, “I heard that April has a bit of a crush on him! Imagine how devastated she will be if you just end up going out with the guy of her dreams?”

“No!”

“Derrick tell her!”

Derrick shrugged, he seemed moody all of a sudden; “Well if she doesn’t want to…I can’t see why you should force her into it!”

“Oh my God!” snapped Vanessa sighing. “Well ok…do whatever you want.”

I looked at him gratefully and sighed,”The rest of the classes are going to be a nightmare.”

Derrick cracked a smile and then played a note on his harmonica, “Write a song, Michelle, do something productive with your anger.”

I sighed; well if that was the case I had a lot of anger to deal with.
Last edited by Al3xx on Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




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I haven't read chapter one but I'm here for a review anyway

Erik Carter is the hottest guy

Was instead of is for tense consistancy.

So it's pretty cliche, the fact that Erik is perfect and the fact that you have a crush on him. I assume he is going to fall for you eventually. And I think there is a mean girl type, again, cliche. I'm not saying that your story is a bad one, but it'd be nice to see you stray from so strictly cliche.

I grumbledcomma looking at his usual table in the corner of the canteen,

Comma above (obviously).

and I could see the lead singer, Mike who was the dark haired one with blond highlights, and flirt with one of them.

This sentance doesn't make sense because you say "and flirt with one of them". You can see the lead singer, Mike (comma) who had dark hair with blonde highlights (you could through some adjectives in there) and was flirting with one of them.

(I realized that it is not you when I say you I mean the MC)

groaned Vanessa.
I groaned,

Too much groaning :)

Cheer up commachild


“A makeover,” thrilled Vanessa, “I could like completely change you, fix everything…I mean you have everything April doesn’t! And then we could work from there…take away the one thing she wants. It’ll hurt her so bad.”

Nice idea, but it's been done to death. Again, you can still make a good story but try not to make is so cliche!

“I don’t think it’ll work,” I said, “I’m ugly remember?”

“Didn’t your mum ever say that it’s not all about looks?” asked Derrick smiling at me.

It sounds like Derrick is agreeing that she's ugly. I don't think thats nice of him.

I do really like the story, though. It's certainley like highschool, that's for sure and it has a well constructed plot and all. It's just very over done.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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Heyy thanks for the review :D I'll look over the chapter and edit some stuff out.
And yeah I know...I'm trying to use the cliche approach AT THE START haha, I'm sort of trying to say how it all sounds so cliche but in real life nothing works out as planned and that's what this story is supposed to be like...realistic in some parts lol
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3793
Reviews 143
Hello again, Al3xx. Loveless here to review this amazing story you have created. As always, corrections in red, suggestions and comments in purple. Well, let's get started.

I tried to ignore the smirks I was getting as I stood in the canteen queue at break time, I managed to buy my lunch and stumbled to the table at the window that was currently occupied by Vanessa, and I threw my roll on the table and sat down. This sentence is too long and drags a bit. Try separating it into two separate sentences, possibly the last part about her throwing the roll onto the table. She looked up, putting away her phone, and grabbed a bottle of orange juice.

“I hate that cow,” I muttered darkly.

“It wasn’t April that made you trip over yourself,” pointed out Vanessa for like the tenth time today.

I shrugged moodily, ugh…if only I wasn’t so caught up in the speech, and to think that the hottest guy in school had to come up and peel me off the floor did nothing to help my self esteem. The phrase 'to think that' just does not sit well with this sentence. If you changed it to something like 'the fact that' or something. You could eliminate that phrase completely and switch the second 'the' with 'with'. I hope you understand what i'm trying to say here.

Erik Carter is the hottest guy in school and there was no doubt about it. He was a senior, muscular, tall with a mop of stylishly messy fair hair, and emerald green eyes that sparkled with mischief and interest.

He had a heart breaking perfect smile and the most perfect tanned face. He was talented and sporty, being the school tennis champion, captain of the school rugby team, captain of the school basketball team and of course the school soccer team, he was also a regular star in the local theatre. There just wasn’t anything he couldn’t do and I guess that’s what I liked about him…the face Ahem...I think you mean fact, not face. that he was so confident and spoke with such certainty and influence that, anyone felt like they could just get up and follow him.

“You know what?”, said Vanessa angrily, “I’m so sick and tired of her just getting away with everything!
She treats you like you’re a nobody and I just can’t believe that you let her do that to you for so long!” What struck the sudden mood change in Vanessa? A few seconds ago she was all nonchalant and drinking orange juice.

“I can’t defeat her,” I replied, “and I don’t see why you’re so worried…you don’t have to worry about anything like that…both of you are so pretty.”

“Ah, Michelle,” groaned Vanessa.

“How are you feeling?”, asked Derrick, ruffling my hair as he sat down at our table, a harmonica in his hands.

“Aren’t you meant to be with your band?” I grumbled, looking at his usual table in the corner of the canteen, it was surrounded by girls and I could see the lead singer, Mike, who was the dark haired one with blond highlights, and flirt with one of them.

Derrick grinned and played a note on his harmonica, “Not today,” he replied, “I know someone better that needs me.”

“Ugh…” I groaned, “Just three more classes and then it’s the weekend.” If you meant for this saying to be one sentence you need a comma after the ellipses and to lower case the 'J' in 'Just'. If not, the commas after 'groaned' should be a period.

“Cheer up child,” grinned Derrick and played another note on his harmonica. This does not make a whole lot on sense. The 'and played' part of this sentence should be changed to 'before/after playing'.

“I can’t,” I muttered. “I can’t stand April! She’s being such a cow to me! I mean, what the hell? She humiliated me in front of our year! Do you know how embarrassing that is?!”

“You know what you should do…,” suggested Derrick, slumping back in his seat and grabbing Vanessa’s orange juice and taking a sip, “write a song. Don’t bottle up your anger…let it all out with something more productive.”

“Oh my God!”, exclaimed Vanessa, “That’s it!”

“Excuse me?”, asked Derrick, raising an eyebrow.

“I figured it all out,” replied Vanessa looking delighted. “You said something about being her equal with looks and all, well you’re really nice, many people like nice people right? Well, how about we make you more popular than little miss horny pants?” Little miss horny pants? Hahaha!

“How are you going to do that?”, asked Derrick.

“Yeah, how are you going to do that?”, I repeated.

“A makeover,” thrilled Vanessa, “I could like completely change you, fix everything…I mean, you have everything April doesn’t! Was that a compliment? And then we could work from there…take away the one thing she wants. What is the one thing she wants? It’ll hurt her so bad.”

“Is that how girls solve their problems?”, snorted Derrick, “A makeover? You have it so easy!”

“I don’t think it’ll work,” I said, “I’m ugly remember?”

“Didn’t your mum ever say that it’s not all about looks?” asked Derrick smiling at me. Did he just agree with her saying she was ugly? That was not very nice.

I nodded, “But they always say that…plus you can’t say much, who knows what you do with your girls.” What is she talking about? This just confused me a bit. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks this...I probably am the only one. *sigh*

Derrick had the decency to look sheepish, “Well…you’re not ugly,” he gave me a smile. “You’re…”

“Different,” said Vanessa.

Derrick rolled his eyes again and looked away, “Vanessa? I think you should work on that making people feel better about themselves part because your niceness isn’t functioning.”

I sighed, “What’s your big plan?”, I asked Vanessa as she opened her mouth to argue with Derrick.

It was at that moment that the doors of the canteen burst open and Erik ran in followed by his usual group of friends. He tied up the bottom of his shirt to make a belly button and wore a pink hair band on his head.

“Hey babes,” he purred sitting down at a table filled with first year boys, his group of friends burst out laughing.

Vanessa waggled her eyebrows and my mouth dropped open as I looked at her as if she was mental.

“What? Are you serious?”, I hissed, “I’m not going to even try!”

“Oh come on Michelle you already got saved by him, shouldn’t that like forge some type of connection with you two!”

“NO!”

“Why not?”, asked Vanessa desperately. “Come on!”

“I’m not good with boys and you well know that!”

“Well, you were brilliant on that stage,” pointed out Vanessa. “I mean, you didn’t even seem shy. A part of you is trying to get out and you’re too scared to let it out!”

“So you think getting with Erik Carter would solve that?”

“It’ll make you more popular then April,” replied Vanessa and smiled, “I heard that April has a bit of a crush on him! Imagine how devastated she will be if you just end up going out with the guy of her dreams?” You change tenses with the 'and'. Just use the example I gave you earlier with Derrick and his harmonica.

“No!”

“Derrick, tell her!”

Derrick shrugged, he seemed moody all of a sudden; “Well if she doesn’t want to…I can’t see why you should force her into it!”

“Oh my God!”, snapped Vanessa and sighed. “Well ok…do whatever you want.” Same thing here as the purple text above.

I looked at him gratefully and sighed,”The rest of the classes are going to be a nightmare.”

Derrick cracked a smile and then played a note on his harmonica, “Write a song, Michelle, do something productive with your anger.”

I sighed; well if that was the case I had a lot of anger to deal with.



Well, that part is over! This really seems to be going somewhere good and the gist of your problems were with comma and period placement. That can be easily fixed and there was nothing major to worry over.

I like the idea of Michelle getting a makeover and seducing Erik. Go on and finish chapter three, darling! As always, I will be there to review it. Bah-bye!

Loveless~
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

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I have a crush on Derrick!
Ha, sorry.
Okay, it was good, lots of dialouge, needs a wee bit more of description.
I donno, I'm pretty good at seeing where stories go, so I think she's going to fall for Derrick in the end. I really hope she does. I know she has a lot of anger towards the popular kids at school, but is that all? I mean you say at the end that she has a lot of anger, so is there anger towards her parents? Or towards something else in general?
I want to know!
Write with your heart first
then with your head



sweet mother of asparagus
— GengarIsBestBoy