The nasty three way

Ok, so this was written in like 10 minutes and it is really kinda nasty at first, well all the way through. Anyway it will be more horror later if I continue it.


After looking into his deep brown eyes, for the third time tonight, I tried to refuse him.

"I don't want it to be like this Forrest, I want it to be special."
"Come on, I'm moving away soon, and I won't see you."
"Yea, you'll see all those college girls," I muttered under my breath.
Ignoring my comment, he went back to the topic at hand: my virginity. "Come on Becca, this is really important to me."
"And it's not important to me?" I questioned, a little offended.
"I'm not saying it isn't," he pleaded, "but I really want this for us."
A final sigh from me meant that the disagreement was almost over.
"I'll make that shower fantasy of yours come true," he said, jumping off my bed.

What have I gotten myself into, I thought. He came back to my room and laid down beside me.
"You ready?" IT wasn't really a question for me, I already knew my answer didn't matter.
"No, but it doesn't matter; it's going to happen anyway."
"Do you not want me?" The innocence in his voice lured me in.
"Yes, I want you."
At that, his hands slid under me, and we made our way to the shower, my so called fantasy world.
What do I do! , my mind began to race and spin at the same time. As if to answer my question Forrest attacked my lips.
Well I can't let him do all the work, I thought simply.
Fighting back with my tongue, I fended him off. Then, as if in defeat, he moved on to my body. He slowly slipped off my shirt and then went to work on my shorts.
This is all so fast.
I worked to catch up and strip him of his shirt and pants. He pressed him body against mine, and went back to my mouth. I could feel the hard lump behind his purple boxers, and immediately put my hand to work on it. His fingers in turn slid inside of me, at least I thought it was his fingers. I looked to make sure, yes. It was his fingers.Two seconds more, my panties and bra were gone, his boxers hit the floor.
Why did I resist this? The thought nestled into the back of my mind.

He gently pushed me toward the shower, and I didn't bother to resist him. I felt a warm shower cover my back, and I knew that this was right. What else can I do though? I don't know if I'm pleasing him.

"Come on baby," he said as if replying to my thoughts.

I pushed him with force letting my hands explore his body in ways they weren't meant to explore. A moan slipped from his lips and I knew it was working. Then it all hit me, a sharp pain coming from places unknown. I knew it would hurt, but not this bad! I felt it slipping in and out of me, as our bodies grinded together.

Then out of nowhere I heard the bathroom door open and my mom's voice ring through the room.

"Becca?"

"Um, kinda busy, Mom."

I saw the shower curtain being pulled from the side, exposing our naked bodies.

"Oh. Hey if y'all don't mind I'll join in."

As if he wanted to ruin everything between us, Forrest replied, "Sure, come on in."

Shocked disbelief was written all over my face.

I silently watched my mom's top disappear, and then the rest of her clothing. She thrust herself into the already packed shower and went to work on Forrest. I saw her tongue tracing his body, and then her face dropped to his dick.

"Oh hell no"

I fought back my rightful place, but found that she was just on his other side still working with her tongue.
How could this have happened? I guess I will just have to work with it.

From then on, it was like a three way tongue battle. Water was blinding me so I didn't really know who I was with. After a while of this I felt a tongue going inside my pussy, the feeling sent chills down my spine. Why would I have ever refused this. Then I realized whose tongue it was, and it was not Forrest's.

I regained myself and began to duck down to learn craftier tricks for my tongue. The taste of his dick in my mouth was weird. Never would I have expected it to be like that. Then I felt a hand cup my breast, and looked to see my mothers hand on me. A weird feeling came over me and then my mouth was connected with my mom's. There was nothing else in the world, Forrest had been forgotten.

Then a chill raised over my back. I glanced behind me and saw Forrest leaving the shower. A feeling of despair hit me like a truck. What have I done? This was all for him, and now I'm with my mom?

"Forrest, wait!"
"I can't do this Becca, you're more interested with her right now."
"Forrest, that's my mom, for goodness sake."
"Yes. That's what makes it so awful, Becca."

He walked away from me, and as soon as he left my hand struck my mother's face.

"How could you do this to me?"
"I didn't do anything Becca, I'm not really here."
"What do you mean your not here?!" I was screaming now, and I knew my voice would be gone tomorrow.
"You'll see, one day you will, I promise, Becca."

I woke with a start, cold sweat stuck to my forehead. I looked over to see the beloved face I had dreamed about, Forrest.

Hiya, Flower. Sporks here for a review.

Now onto the review part. Green is word choice change, red is grammar, blue is my commentary.

After looking into his deep brown eyes, for the third time tonight, I tried to refuse him. "I don't want it to be like this Forrest, I want it to be special."
"Come on, I'm moving away soon, and I won't see you."
"Yea, you'll see all those college girls," I muttered under my breath.
Ignoring my comment, he went back to the topic at hand: my virginity. A colon works better for this kind of sentence. "Come on Becca, this is really important to me."
"And it's not important to me?" I questioned, a little offended.
"I'm not saying it isn't," he pleaded, "but I really want this for us."
A final sigh from me meant that the disagreement was almost over.
"I'll make that shower fantasy of yours come true," he said, jumping off my bed.

What have I gotten myself into, I thought. He came back to my room and laid down beside me.When you quote a character's thoughts directly, you put them in italics.
"You ready?" It wasn't really a question for me, I already knew my answer didn't matter.
"No, but it doesn't matter; it's going to happen anyway." A semi-colon works better here because there are two separate clauses here.
"Do you not want me?" The innocence in his voice lured me in.
"Yes, I want you."
At that, his hands slid under me, and we made our way to the shower, my so called fantasy world.
Where to begin, my mind began to race and spin at the same time. Very, very cliche. Personally, I'm not very fond of this line. As if to answer my question Forrest attacked my lips.
(Well I can't let him do all the work, I thought simply.) Why the parentheses? And remember, italics.
Fighting back with my tongue, I fended him off. Then, as if in defeat, he moved on to my body. He slowly slipped off my shirt and then went to work on my shorts.
(This is all so fast.)
I worked to catch up and strip him of his shirt and pants. He pressed him body against mine, and went back to my mouth. I could feel the hard lump behind his purple boxers, and immediately put my hand to work on it. His fingers in turn slid inside of me, at least[b],[/b] I thought it was his fingers. I looked to make sure, yes. It was his fingers.Two seconds more, my panties and bra were gone, his boxers hit the floor.
Why did I resist this? The thought nestled into the back of my mind.

He gently pushed me toward the shower, and I didn't bother to resist him. I felt a warm shower cover my back, and I knew that this was right. What else can I do though? I don't know if I'm pleasing him. I'm assuming these are direct thoughts? If so, italics. If not, then the tense is wrong.

"Come on baby," he said, as if replying to my thoughts.

I pushed him with force letting my hands explore his body in ways they weren't meant to explore. A moan slipped from his lips and I knew it was working. Then it all hit me, a sharp pain coming from places unknown. I knew it would hurt, but not this bad! I felt it slipping in and out of me, as our bodies grinded together. Technically, the past tense is ground. However, "grinded" is acceptable, but it's use is quite rare.

Then out of nowhere I heard the bathroom door open and my mom's voice ring through the room.

"Becca?"

"Um, kinda busy, Mom." Since "Mom" is being used as a proper noun, it must be capitalized.

I saw the shower curtain being pulled from the side, exposing our naked bodies.

"Oh. Hey if y'all don't mind I'll join in." Nitpicky, but technically it's "y'all."

As if he wanted to ruin everything between us, Forrest replied, "Sure, come on in." Oh. Ew.

Shocked disbelief was written all over my face. Mine too. xD

I silently watched my mom's top disappear, and then the rest of her clothing. She thrust herself into the already packed shower and went to work on Forrest. I saw her tongue tracing his body, and then her face dropped to his dick. Oh my... O_O

"Oh, hell no."

I fought back my rightful place, but found that she was just on his other side still working with her tongue.
How could this have happened? I guess I will just have to work with it. Again, thoughts=italics. If not thoughts, tense slip up.

From then on, it was like a three way tongue battle. Water was blinding me so I didn't really know who I was with. Dude, that's kinda scary. She could be with her mother.... After a while of this I felt a tongue going inside my pussy, the feeling sent chills down my spine. Why would I have ever refused this. Then I realized whose tongue it was, and it was not Forrest's. Called it. xD

I regained myself and began to duck down to learn craftier tricks for my tongue. The taste of his dick in my mouth was weird. Never would I have expected it to be like that. Then I felt a hand cup my breast, and looked to see my mother's hand on me. A weird feeling came over me and then my mouth was connected with my mom's. Whoa. There was nothing else in the world, Forrest had been forgotten.

Then a chill raised over my back. I glanced behind me and saw Forrest leaving the shower. A feeling of despair hit me like a truck. What have I done? This was all for him, and now I'm with my mom? Thoughts?

"Forrest, wait!"
"I can't do this Becca, you're more interested with her right now." "Your" is possessive.
"Forrest, that's my mom, for goodness sake."

"Yes. That's what makes it so awful, Becca." I'm with Forrest on this one. Also, as a general rule, when you refer to someone by name, a comma precedes the name, as in your sentence above. The other part is that if the name is in the beginning, a comma follows. E.g., "Dorkface, get your butt over here!"

He walked away from me, and as soon as he left my hand struck my mother's face. Apostrophes to indicate possession.

"How could you do this to me?"
"I didn't do anything Becca, I'm not really here."

Suddenly a realization hit me, I'm dreaming! While I'm relieved, this is the most unoriginal ending I have ever encountered. Ever.
I woke with a start, a cold sweat dewing on my face. I then saw the familiar face next to me, Forrest's, and I knew it would all be OK.

Grammar
Your grammar is heavily lacking. There are numerous comma errors, apostrophe errors, even quotation errors. Also, half the time I can't tell if a character is thinking or if you're slipping up with tenses. To me, it seems as if you didn't bother to proofread this before posting. I pointed out everything I noticed, but there may be additional errors. I recommend looking this piece over closely.

Storyline
Oh my. Oh my God. That had to be THE most graphic piece of writing I have ever read, and I've read my share of V.C. Andrews. I wasn't too fond of this at all, to be honest. Your characters are extremely vague. All I know is that Forrest has "deep brown eyes." Oh, and his purple boxers. What about Becca? Her mother? The setting is extremely vague, which works in a dream. So that's good. The dialogue seems a bit wooden to me. But my main complaint is the unoriginality. I read this, and when it got to that terrible scene with the three of them, I was like, "Okay, so she's with her mother." (Shudder) And then,"Oh, I bet she's dreaming." And, as it turns out, I was correct. And the sex scene...oh my. I'm no prude, but really. This could be done in such a more tactful manner.

Summary
Your grammar needs quite a lot of work, as does your storyline. Though a good part is the setting is dream-like. So, yeah.

EDIT: I could've sworn it wasn't rated before. But it is. Which is a bazillion times better.

Keep writing,

~Leslie

You weren't kidding when you said nasty! I'm just joking (:

Anyways, I think you could have written this with more taste as opposed to the upfront approach you took. Also, add more emotion to your characters! Your MC just had a terrible dream, how does she feel? Is she humiliated when her mom walks in? etc. This piece should be thriving with emotions running wild and unfortunately, it came across almost emotionless.

I think you should change the ending and the title. The title doesn't work for me personally just because it's too bland. Give it a more unique title! Draw readers in! And the ending, it was too abrupt and sudden. Again, that part should be filled with emotion!!!

Other than that, you are a good writer!
PM me with any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hey there! I'm Eddie and I'm going to take a stab at reviewing this for you today. First of all I really liked the idea of writing about a girl's 'first time', but obviously in a very non pornographic way. I'm still not sure whether this was supposed to be humorous or slightly erotic? But high five for having the balls to write something like this.

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

Flower~Child wrote:After looking into his deep brown eyes, for the third time tonight, I tried to refuse him.

I think this is a nice opening line.

"I don't want it to be like this Forrest, I want it to be special."
"Come on, I'm moving away soon, and I won't see you."
"Yeah, you'll see all those college girls," I muttered under my breath.
Ignoring my comment, he went back to the topic at hand: my virginity. "Come on Becca, this is really important to me."
"And it's not important to me?" I questioned, a little offended.
"I'm not saying it isn't," he pleaded, "but I really want this for us."
A final sigh from me meant that the disagreement was almost over.
"I'll make that shower fantasy of yours come true," he said, jumping off my bed.

The opening paragraph of dialogue is very bitty, there are no descriptions, very little detail. A girl's first time is nerve wracking enough and

Spoiler

whether its a dream or not

, I think you needed to make that a little clearer. Think about how nervous she would be feeling and the thoughts running through her mind.

Spoiler

The dream is the part I liked in this story because it was an interesting twist, however the twist wasn't shocking enough as this part isn't realistic enough.

What have I gotten myself into, I thought. He came back to my room and laid down beside me.
"You ready?" IT (Is this supposed to be in capitals?) wasn't really a question for me, I already knew my answer didn't matter.

This part irritated me slightly, how flippant your MC was. I don't want to preach but a girl should always have a right to say no etc, I was just confused at this part.

"No, but it doesn't matter; it's going to happen anyway."
"Do you not want me?" The innocence in his voice lured me in.
"Yes, I want you."
At that, his hands slid under me, and we made our way to the shower, my so called fantasy world.
What do I do! , my mind began to race and spin at the same time. As if to answer my question Forrest attacked my lips.
Well I can't let him do all the work, I thought simply.
Fighting back with my tongue, I fended him off. Then, as if in defeat, he moved on to my body. He slowly slipped off my shirt and then went to work on my shorts.
This is all so fast.
I worked to catch up and strip him of his shirt and pants. He pressed him body against mine, and went back to my mouth. I could feel the hard lump behind his purple boxers, and immediately put my hand to work on it.

Its kind of cute up until this point, the innocence of your MC made her easy to like and relate too. The next part is just plain nasty...

His fingers in turn slid inside of me, at least I thought it was his fingers. I looked to make sure, yes. It was his fingers.Two seconds more, my panties and bra were gone, his boxers hit the floor.
Why did I resist this? The thought nestled into the back of my mind.

He gently pushed me toward the shower, and I didn't bother to resist him. I felt a warm shower cover my back, and I knew that this was right. What else can I do though? I don't know if I'm pleasing him.

"Come on baby," he said as if replying to my thoughts.

I pushed him with force letting my hands explore his body in ways they weren't meant to explore. A moan slipped from his lips and I knew it was working. Then it all hit me, a sharp pain coming from places unknown. I knew it would hurt, but not this bad! I felt it slipping in and out of me, as our bodies grinded together.

Then out of nowhere I heard the bathroom door open and my mom's voice ring through the room.

"Becca?"

"Um, kinda busy, Mom."

I saw the shower curtain being pulled from the side, exposing our naked bodies.

"Oh. Hey if y'all don't mind I'll join in."

This part made me laugh out loud, it kind of made the content a little more bearable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude at all. I've had a sneaky peek at some Erotica before. I just think you need to work out what this piece is really about, like I said before. It's definitely comedy, but do you want to write it in a serious way to begin with so that the twist at the end is more believeable? That's up to you.

As if he wanted to ruin everything between us, Forrest replied, "Sure, come on in."

Shocked disbelief was written all over my face.

I silently watched my mom's top disappear, and then the rest of her clothing. She thrust herself into the already packed shower and went to work on Forrest. I saw her tongue tracing his body, and then her face dropped to his dick.

"Oh hell no"

I fought back my rightful place, but found that she was just on his other side still working with her tongue.
How could this have happened? I guess I will just have to work with it.

From then on, it was like a three way tongue battle. Water was blinding me so I didn't really know who I was with. After a while of this I felt a tongue going inside my pussy, the feeling sent chills down my spine. Why would I have ever refused this. Then I realized whose tongue it was, and it was not Forrest's.

Okay, eew. But because I have a sick sense of humour I laughed.

I regained myself and began to duck down to learn craftier tricks for my tongue. The taste of his dick in my mouth was weird. Never would I have expected it to be like that. Then I felt a hand cup my breast, and looked to see my mothers hand on me. A weird feeling came over me and then my mouth was connected with my mom's. There was nothing else in the world, Forrest had been forgotten.

Then a chill raised over my back. I glanced behind me and saw Forrest leaving the shower. A feeling of despair hit me like a truck. What have I done? This was all for him, and now I'm with my mom?

"Forrest, wait!"
"I can't do this Becca, you're more interested with her right now."
"Forrest, that's my mom, for goodness sake."
"Yes. That's what makes it so awful, Becca."

He walked away from me, and as soon as he left my hand struck my mother's face.

"How could you do this to me?"
"I didn't do anything Becca, I'm not really here."
"What do you mean your not here?!" I was screaming now, and I knew my voice would be gone tomorrow.
"You'll see, one day you will, I promise, Becca."

I woke with a start, cold sweat stuck to my forehead. I looked over to see the beloved face I had dreamed about, Forrest.

Overall it wasn't terrible, it wasn't exactly my cup of tea. And to be honest without you even telling us that it was written in ten minutes I could tell, it seems rush. But a few things I did enjoy was the twist, and the idea of it all. But lets be honest, it wasn't very tasteful. And that's okay, the title and the rating already warned us about that. I think it has some potential I just think you need to go back over it and re-work some things. Think about making it more believable, describe your MC's thoughts and feelings just before her 'first time'. Also, theres no harm in choosing your words carefully for the 'Erotic' part.

Hope this helped!

xo

Hi there Flower~Child.

After looking into his deep brown eyes, for the third time tonight, I tried to refuse him.

Auk, not a good way to start. Description of the eyes seem to be a common thing among writers for some reason. Problem is that it often leads to nothing. Here,why are you mentioning his eyes? How is this relevant? How can you make this more compelling to the reader?

What do I do! , my mind began to race and spin at the same time. As if to answer my question Forrest attacked my lips.

This is all so fast.

Are these the only inner conflicts that's on the reader's mind? The narrator might be losing her virginity here, and yet it seems like she doesn't really react much to it. What would her parents think of her if she was to do the deed? Is she scared of the possibility of getting pregnant? There needs to be more of a tangible inner conflict. Right now, it is childish.

Why did I resist this? The thought nestled into the back of my mind.

Yea...why did she resist?

A moan slipped from his lips and I knew it was working. Then it all hit me, a sharp pain coming from places unknown. I knew it would hurt, but not this bad! I felt it slipping in and out of me, as our bodies grinded together.

This is so bland. I'm sure we all know how sexual intercourse works, why not focus more on the emotions and thoughts during this scene?

Overall impressions:

...Isn't there supposed to be a mature rating on this? We are talking about a three way here...

But anyways, I found this piece to be pretty insulting to the reader. There's like hardly any conflict or cause and effect. The Mum like jumps in and goes "Yea let's do this." What? Do you know any mother that would do such a thing like that? You could of at least focused as to why the mother would have such low standards.

In fact, this whole piece read more like a sexual fantasy than anything else. We do not know who these characters are, why they are in love etc. All we see is them...doing it. And even that is pretty bad because of how you tend to state the obvious instead of invoking imagery and focusing on the character's thoughts/emotions.

Anyway, good luck with this.

Andy.