Demon Princess Lilith

My story starts on the day I broke through the door to Hell.
I was finally able to get Barbados ( The Demon of locked doors) to forge a javelin of iron and silver with a brimstone tip that could be used to break open the door to Hell for one minute and one minute only. I only needed fifteen seconds. So I climbed the stairs of fire and waited for Barbados to give the signal-him blowing his horn-meaning that he has Lucifer distracted. I waited for about ten minutes before i heard a terrible screeching that could only be Barbados's horn.
I got into position and charged at the door spear first, and with a loud CRACK the door opened. I unfolded my black wings and flew through the opening along with several other demons and souls that were near the door. "I'm free!" I thought as i flew into the sky, but as i started to fly further i got weaker and weaker. I had forgotten that I had taken a human form and human forms were weak and got tired easily. I thought if i could just get into a deeper part of the forest below me i would be able to rest. Unfortunately, i underestimated myself and i plummeted to the earth.
the last thing i remembered before i blacked out was the shocked faces of four humans, two women and two men in their early twenties, staring at my naked form. When i woke up i was lying on my back covered with a sleeping bag inside one of the two tents that i assumed belonged to the campers. i sat up, grasping the blanket to me and took in my surroundings. I found a pair of black jeans, a read sweater and navy blue sandals laid out for me. i quickly and quietly dressed and exited the tent. There the four campers were surrounding a campfire. It was still night i noted, while i walked towards them. The first one to notice me was one of the men he was about six feet tall, broad shouldered, with brown hair and eyes. "uh, hello," he said to me and extended his hand.
"Hello," i said and grasped his hand in a firm grip to show him that i was not one to be tempered with. His companions got up and walked toward us. The other man was a little shorter than the other man with blond hair and green eyes, one of the woman-the one right behind him-had blond hair also, but her eyes were blue, and the last woman was a little taller than me-even though i was shorter than all of them- and had black hair with hazel eyes. All were dressed for the chilly weather of October, and all were staring at my little frame with wonder. I was five foot nothing with fairy like features, delicate looking hands and face that made me look like an innocent sixteen year old, which i hardly was, and black hair with a red tint to it if the light was on it a certain way, but it was my eyes that was the only thing that wasn't delicate. They were like purple flames that said that this person has seen a lot, and that lot was a lot of terrible things.
"My name is Ryan, whats yours?" asked the brown haired man, he showed a hint of a smile.
"My name is Lilith." i said. The three in the back looked like they were going to burst out laughing. They introduced themselves one by one, the blond haired man's name was Brad, the blond haired girl's name was Tiffany, and the black haired girl's name was Cindy.
"So what were you doing naked in the middle of the woods?" sneered the one named Tiffany. I despised her at that exacted moment.
"What are you four doing in the middle of the woods?" I countered, smiling.
"We were taking a camping trip for summer break." answered Ryan. I looked at him sharply and saw the lust in his eyes as he looked me over. I smiled on the inside.
"RYAN!!!" Tiffany barked at him. I looked at Ryan with more ferocity this time, using my mind control abilities.
"Where is my spear?" I asked him in a soothing tone. At the sound of my voice his pupils started to dilate.
"In the other tent," he said hypnotized. i walked over to the other tent ignoring the gaping mouths of the three other campers. i entered the tent and grabbed my spear, i then exited the tent and my wings broke through the fabric of the sweater. Chaos erupted then. They started to scream and picked op sticks as if to fend me off. I laughed a cruel evil laugh knowing that these foolish humans wouldn't see the sun tomorrow. I flew up off the ground and sped to the closest person, who just happened to be Tiffany, and thrust the spear through her heart. Blood and the echoing screams were all that were left of the four campers. I looked through Cindi's and Tiffany's clothes and found a black skirt that went to the ground and a black t-shirt with a tiny neon pink heart over the left breast. i decided to try them on, the skirt fit well but the shit was a bit to big so it exposed the right shoulder. i flew into the sky to find a town where i could "move in" and start to plan my ruling over this world and make it my own Hell.

Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

I only noticed one spelling mistakes. I believe it should be shirt instead of shit at the end. You don't capitalize your I's and you also don't put capital letters at the start of some sentences. Something you may want to proof read over.

I liked this, and could become a good novel. I like how it is being told from the point of view of the "bad guy" which is always a benefit in my eyes. I felt that the story lacked description, just a bit more here and there could improve the piece I feel.

The story started very quickly. This can either be a hindrance or a useful tool. In here I am not sure which it is. It works as it is, but I have an inkling that it could work better with maybe a longer opening of the character being in hell. Maybe describing the stairs and their surroundings, which would add to the description part.

I think this is good, but with work it could be great.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hey greenwitch,

I'm Tanya, here for a review. Okay, I like the idea of this story but a few things need to be worked on. First of all, this was going way too fast. We learn much, yet nothing. Why did Barbados chance Lucifer's wrath by helping her escape? What was so special about the spear that it would pry open the gates of hell? Why was she in human form? What other form did she have? You mention other demons escaping, where did they go? Maybe you could have them ram into her or something, you know?

The other thing I wanted to mention is your info-dump description. You give us all their hair and eye colour, then name them with their hair colour. Just say it once, "Brad, the blond, athletically built dude" or something. You know?

Because this has great potential, I would love to see more of it but it needs a little tender lovin' care.
Pm me for the next installement?
Tanya

Hi there Greenwitch!

Okey dokey, well I thought the story idea was really great. The beginning sentence was awesome, as soon as I read it I was like glued to the page.

Now, on to nitpicks! In the beginning you tell us how your character convinces Barbados to make a spear that will let her out of Hell. Instead of giving us this in an info dump, why don't you show us? You could practically have a whole chapter devoted to her trying to wheedle him into making the spear. You also need to give us a little more insight on what is going through Lilith's head. Why did she want to break out of Hell? Was she being treated badly?
Once she breaks free, again, you need to show, not tell, us what happens. You say that she flew for a while then felll. Why don't you describe the wind rushing past her, her wings beating with the rhythm of her heart (if she has one, seeing as she's a demon)? Also this scene brings to mind another question. Where is Hell, that she can just fly out of it and be in our world? Is it in the sky? Or under the ground? Another question; at the end, why would she just randomly kill four people? I can't stand villains who are evil just to be evil. You need to come up with convincing reasons for her actions. Why does she want to take over the world? Has she suffered in the past, and wants others to suffer as well?

GRAMMAR!!!! Okay, I admit, I'm a grammar nazi. I'll try not to be TOO picky though. First off, you were missing a few commas. My quoting isn't working, so I'm not going to go through and add in all the commas. Also, you have a problem with run-on sentences. If the sentence is longer than two lines, you need to break it down. For Example:

" The other man was a little shorter than the other man with blond hair and green eyes, one of the woman-the one right behind him-had blond hair also, but her eyes were blue, and the last woman was a little taller than me-even though i was shorter than all of them- and had black hair with hazel eyes."

This would be better as two or three sentences. Like: "The other man was a little shorter than the first man, who had blond hair and green eyes. One of the women, the one behind him, also had blond hair, but her eyes were blue. The last woman was a little taller than me, even though I was shorter than all of them, and had black hair with hazel eyes."

This sentence calls up another little issue. Your use of dashes. Most of the times you use dashes (like in the above sentence), they can simply be commas. A lot of the time when you're using dashes, you're actually using it as a incorrect hyphen. Hyphens are written between two words that sort of go together like "run-on". Dashes are written with a space on either side of it so as not to be confused with a hyphen. Like - this. Dashes are only used to emphasize something, not in place of commas or parentheses.

Okay, I'm done now. Overall, it was a really nice idea, with lots of potential. Keep writing!!! I hope this helped!

~Mini

Hi, Loveless here! I'm going to be review your story today. First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope your time here will be fantastic. Haha, anyway, i'm wasting time. Let's get started.

My story starts on the day I broke through the door to Hell.

I was finally able to get Barbados ( The Demon of locked doors) Giant put off right here. I, personally, don't like the use of parentheses in the middle of sentences. You could easily replace these with commas. I'm sorry, but this just throws me off a lot. You don't have to change it, this is just a little picky comment from yours truly. to forge a javelin of iron and silver with a brimstone tip that could be used to break open the door to Hell for one minute and one minute only. Right off the back, you tell us how Barbados makes the spear. I agree with Miniauthor when saying that you could have a very well sized chapter in explaining the ways in how you had to convince him to make the spear for you. When writing, it is always best to show the reader what happening instead of telling them. For example: "She sat in the corner of the room, her knees pulled up to her chest and her body shaking steadily with muffled tears", would be better than simply saying, "She was sad". Do you get it? Great, assuming that you do get what I'm trying to tell you here. I only needed fifteen seconds. So I climbed the stairs of fire and waited for Barbados to give the signal-him blowing his horn-meaning that he has Lucifer distracted. You use dashes in place of commas in this sentence, and to top that, you use them incorrectly. Dashes should only be used to drawn attention to the text inside of them. When you want to use dashes you must put spaces in before and after presenting the dash. They way you're using them in this sentence makes it look like you're using signal-him as a hyphen and horn-meaning as a hyphen also, which really does not make a lot of sense. It would just be best if you changed the dashes to commas anyway. I waited for about ten minutes before I heard a terrible screeching that could only be Barbados's horn. Always capitalize your I's.It's a basic grammar rule and, quite frankly, common sense.

I got into position and charged at the door spear first, and with a loud CRACK the door opened. I unfolded my black wings and flew through the opening along with several other demons and souls that were near the door. "I'm free!" I thought as I flew into the sky, but as I started to fly further I got weaker and weaker. I had forgotten that I had taken a human form, and human forms were weak and got tired easily. I thought if I could just get into a deeper part of the forest below me, I would be able to rest. Unfortunately, I underestimated myself and I plummeted to the earth. There was a lot of telling and not showing in this paragraph. Like I stated earlier, showing is always better than telling, I cannot stress this enough. Because I gave you expanded explanation about telling verses showing earlier, I won't get much into that topic this time. When I scrolled down, I saw that you have a very bad capitalization problem. Instead of wasting my time correcting and explaining all of them, I will just explain them all when I finish this part of my review.

The last thing I remembered before I blacked out was the shocked faces of four humans, two women and two men in their early twenties, staring at my naked form. When I woke up, I was lying on my back, covered with a sleeping bag, and inside one of the two tents that I assumed belonged to the campers. I sat up, grasping the blanket to me, and took in my surroundings. I found a pair of black jeans, a read red sweater, and navy blue sandals laid out for me. I quickly and quietly dressed, and exited the tent. The second 'and' should be replaced with 'then'. And becomes repetitive in such a short sentence. Also, you can combine the sentence before this comment with the one after it. There the four campers were surrounding a campfire. It was still night I noted, while I walked towards them. The first one to notice me was one of the men, he was about six feet tall, broad shouldered, with brown hair and eyes. "Uh, hello," he said to me and extended his hand.

"Hello," I said and grasped his hand in a firm grip to show him that I was not one to be tempered with. His companions got up and walked toward us. The other man was a little shorter than the other man with blond hair and green eyes, one of the woman-the one right behind him-had blond hair also, but her eyes were blue, and the last woman was a little taller than me-even though I was shorter than all of them- and had black hair with hazel eyes. This sentence is just way too lengthy and confusing, it actually made my head spin a bit. You must try and clear this up. I suggest using the example Miniauthor presented to you. Again in this sentence, I noticed the improper use of dashes. I won't go into that a lot since I suppose you already have a pretty good idea of how to fix it. All were dressed for the chilly weather of October, and all were staring at my little frame with wonder. I was five foot nothing with fairy like features, delicate looking hands, and a face that made me look like an innocent sixteen year old, which I hardly was, and black hair with a red tint to it if the light was on it a certain way, but it was my eyes that was were the only thing that wasn't delicate. They were like purple flames that said that this person has seen a lot, and that lot was a lot of terrible things.

"My name is Ryan, whats yours?", asked the brown haired man, he showed a hint of a smile.

"My name is Lilith," I said. The three in the back looked like they were going to burst out laughing. Why would they be laughing? They introduced themselves one by one, the blond haired man's name was Brad, the blond haired girl's name was Tiffany, and the black haired girl's name was Cindy.

"So what were you doing naked in the middle of the woods?", sneered the one named Tiffany. I despised her at that exacted moment.

"What are you four doing in the middle of the woods?", I countered, smiling.

"We were taking a camping trip for summer break," answered Ryan. I looked at him sharply and saw the lust in his eyes as he looked me over. I smiled on the inside.

"RYAN!!!", Tiffany barked at him. I looked at Ryan with more ferocity this time, using my mind control abilities.

"Where is my spear," I asked him in a soothing tone. At the sound of my voice his pupils started to dilate.

"In the other tent," he said hypnotized. I walked over to the other tent, ignoring the gaping mouths of the three other campers. I entered the tent and grabbed my spear, I then exited the tent and my wings broke through the fabric of the sweater. Chaos erupted then. They started to scream and picked op up sticks as if to fend me off. I laughed a cruel evil laugh, knowing that these foolish humans wouldn't see the sun tomorrow. I flew up off the ground and sped to the closest person, who just happened to be Tiffany, and thrust the spear through her heart. Blood and the echoing screams were all that were left of the four campers. I looked through Cindi's and Tiffany's clothes and found a black skirt that went to the ground and a black t-shirt with a tiny neon pink heart over the left breast. I decided to try them on, the skirt fit well but the shit was a bit too big so it exposed the right shoulder. I flew into the sky to find a town where I could "move in" and start to plan my ruling over this world and make it my own Hell.

Grammar:
The grammar was not horrid, but it could be improved. You use dashes incorrectly very often, using them as hyphens and in the place of commas. You capitalization needs help. I am not saying that you don't know the basic rules of capitalization, maybe you were just too tired to hit the caps lock button, but, even so, you forget to capitalize the letter 'I' and even the beginning of your sentences. Correcting all those little capitalization errors alone will improve your story.
It seems to me that you have a comma problem. You either don't use commas when they should be used, or you use them in the wrong place. Just remember that if you feel like there needs to be a break in a sentence but you don't want to start a new sentence, use a comma. And also, if you put commas in but when you read the sentence over and it seems choppy, just take the comma out. I know this may seem very vague, but I doubt I need to go over all the basic rules of using commas.
As I've stated before, and I'm sure you're growing tired of reading this, you tell us what's happening instead of showing us. This story could be greatly improved and lengthened if you would just give a bit more description. Example:

...but as I started to fly further I got weaker and weaker.

This is your version. Now, I'm just going to show you how showing could be a bit better than just telling.

...but as the time got longer, the ache in my back from constantly flapping my wings grew more profound. The heart from this pathetic human form started beating faster with every second that I was suspended in the sky. Salty drops of water spotted my brow and, ever so often, rolled down the side of my face and into my slightly parted lips. My chest rose and fell quickly and every intake of breath sent a sharp pain coursing through my body. Way sooner than I would have earlier estimated, I was flying slower and descending more to the ground below...

This is just an example of how I would expand on that one sentence. The point of this little example was to show you how putting more description into your sentences could improve and lengthen your story.

Plot:
I like where this story is going. Despite the grammatical errors, this is a very good idea for a story. In my head, this Lilith character is going to try to destroy the world. Am I on the right train of thought here? It sort of reminds me of Invader Zim, and I love that show. *points down to my signature in reference* All Lilith needs now is a slightly special-ed sidekick. Ha ha!

Overall:
This is a very interesting story and I would like to read more. Next time, assuming that you choose to continue this, remember to use proper grammar and more description. You errors could be easily solved. Once again, welcome to YWS, and goodbye.


Loveless~

demons are such a good topic arent they? I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this story!

I think some of my comments will echo others but here are my main thoughts.

I think it is really important to get all the normal rules of grammar and punctuation correct. We all know what you mean, obviously, when you write 'i' instead of 'I' but it distracts the reader's attention from the story on to the error - which you really don't want.

Along with that goes the necessity for careful proof reading. That may be a quite difficult when you are only 13 and perhaps it will come with age. An example which someone else noticed is 'read sweater' rather than 'red sweater'.

'Not one to be tempered with'. I think you probably meant 'tampered' but 'messed' would be more common.

'I was five foot nothing with fairy like features, delicate looking hands and face that made me look like an innocent sixteen year old, which i hardly was, and black hair with a red tint to it if the light was on it a certain way, but it was my eyes that was the only thing that wasn't delicate.'

This is a very long sentence - I am sure you know what to do. I notice that it should be 'eyes that were' and 'weren't delicate' in order for the plural noun (eyes) to agree with the verb.

One final thing: we get introduced to Barbados but then he disappears from the story. What happened to him? We want to know! Perhaps this could be developed more.

Having said all that, you are just 13 and this story is inventive, creative and full of promise. It makes the reader want to know more and read on.

Keep at it - especially the grammar. It's the easiest thing to put write and makes a huge difference.


My 8 year old says this.

I really like the way it was written from the 'bad person's' view and not the 'good person's view'. When you used 'i' do you really mean 'I'? The story was great and if you have got more to write, please post it.

sorry people.
i didnt go over the story when i had finished the it.
i didnt notice the spelling mistakes.