Dear god, I killed my husband

Dear God,
I hate my life,
I'm forced to live with a man,
who will not admit I'm his wife.
He beats me, mistreats me,
and makes me feel sick,
I feel like I'm going under,
I need help quick.

Dear God,
did you get my last letter?
I think I need your help,
things aren't getting any better,
in fact they're getting worse
I just sharpen the knife,
and then with a quick flick,
I will end his life.

Dear God,
you still didn't reply,
I can't stand him,
and I don't know why,
that you don't let me end it.
The knife is still sharp,
I want to stab him in the chest,
and rip out his heart.

Dear God,
I couldn't wait any more,
I slit his neck,
he bled all over the floor,
I think I saw you in the stain.
I dug a hole out back,
threw his body right in,
his body landed with a crack.

Dear God,
I am in jail,
the police came and found him,
they think I went off the rail.
They could be onto something.
All I wanted was a sign,
but you wouldn't give me that,
you are not a God of mine.

Dear Sue,
you should not have killed him,
you have gone insane,
you slaughter your own kin,
you should be ashamed.
I sent you a sign,
I sent you a few,
but you didn't listen,
so to Hell with you.

This is . . . well, morbid! Ha. But it holds a lot of power. It definitely deals with an overlooked everyday scenario; actually, it deals with many. Not only does it express, in quite a bit of detail, current marital struggles, and what they can lead to potentionally . . . there is also a tinge of the loss of faith here. The last stanza is especially effective to that point of view. It's an almost crushing way to end the little story you have here.

Most of my nitpicks are simple ones . . . with your construction. Nothing major; just be careful with your use of punctuation--such as using commas where a period or semi-colon would be better suited. In the fourth stanza, you used the wrong kind of "threw," by the way. But I do like your rhyme scheme. It's unique the way you set it up; the only flaw I see in it may be in the second stanza. It feels like you have one too many lines . . . either the "waiting for your word" or "and then with a quick flick," it seems.

Overall, though, this is a very good job. You have a very unique perspective.

haha i loved it!
few things. i think mabey if you somehow had the signs in there, but very unoticable, it would be cool.
also you misplelt feel (fell) in the first paragraph.

so you can go to hell

loved this line. made me laugh

overall i think its great.

retrodisco666 wrote:Dear god, <--- Capitalize the "g". "God" is a proper noun in this context.
I hate my life,
I'm forced to live with a man,
who will not admit I'm his wife.
He beats me, mistreats me,
and makes me feel sick,
I fell like I'm going under, <--- "fell"? It seems like it was intended to be "feel" or "felt".
I need help quick.

Dear god, <--- Capitalize "g".
Did you get my last letter? <--- Don't capitalize "D" if you want to keep consistent.
I think I need your help,
things aren't getting any better,
in fact they're getting worse
I just sharpen the knife,
and then with a quick flick,
I will end his life.

Dear god, <--- Capitalize the "g".
You still didn't reply, <--- Lower case the "y". Replace comma and end sentence.
I can't stand him,
and I don't know why, <--- I don't think the comma is needed.
that you don't let me end it.
The knife is still sharp,
I want to stab him in the chest,
and rip out his heart.

Dear god, <--- Capitalize the "g".
I couldn't wait any more,
I slit his neck,
he bled all over the floor,
I think I saw you in the stain.
I dug a hole out back,
through his body right in, <--- Should be "threw" judging by context.
his body landed with a crack. <--- Cracking of bones? Ouch.

Dear god, <--- Capitalize "g"...
I am in jail, <--- End the sentence and start new one in my opinion.
the police came and found him,
they think I went off the rail.
They could be onto something <--- Period?
All I wanted was a sign,
but you wouldn't give me that,
You are not a god of mine. <--- Lower case the "y' or make the last line end with a period.

Dear sue, <--- Capitalize the "s".
You should not have killed him, <--- Lower case the "y".
You have gone insane, <--- Same.
you slaughter your own kin,
you should be ashamed.
I sent you a sign,
I sent you a few,
but you didn't listen,
so to hell with you. <--- Capitalize the "H" due to context.

All in all my main criticism is you should polish up your grammar and so forth. Good story telling and twist at the end. Felt a bit weird though because I immediately related it to the joke about God sending all these rescue people to a guy drowning and he kept saying, "My god will save me, don't worry about me." When in fact God was trying to save him via those rescue men, and says so at the end of the joke. The fact that God had sent those rescue men is what made the punch line work. This poem however we don't see anything that could later be interpreted as God's "signs". That made the twist less satisfying.

I like the way you make the reader think though if the lady, Sue, deserved punishment in Hell, was God right, did God want her to stay married to him? And so on...

Good poem.

Hello retrodisco666!
Your poems never cease to bring raw emotions to the table. This poem was intense, it kept me on the edge of my seat! I love that at the end, Sue tells God that she no longer believes in him and God writes back to her and tells her that she's going to hell. Amazing! I don't have any criticism to give, I don't even feel like one part is weaker than the other. They are all heavily weighted and come together and a sadistic, wonderfully written poem.

Keep up the good work!
-SodapopLunchbox

WOW! I enjoyed this so much!

A little old to get bumped, but who doesn't want a review?

I see too many positive reviews, so naturally you need a critical one.

Usage of commas that don't break lines in the first five octaves is clumsy and doesn't reflect the paranoia or agitation of the speaker. Instead, it makes me think you're missing the power to hit the audience with complete thoughts; that's not to say you aren't capable, but each stanza just goes on and on and on and she's just in such dire straits. There's reason to cut stanzas up with periods.

Next, dramatic element that is inherent in this poem is too far-fetched. Elaborate on how big of a dick this husband is. As is, you make a sympathetic speaker seem demented and then make her out to be bigger bad guy than her dick husband. That many conflicting emotions is a problem. Which is why with the wife just falling apart with the sparse detail given and then killing her husband, seems far too abrupt.

My biggest problem with this poem is when you break one of the few standards of poetry, prose, movies, etc still around today, and that is give God (and other similar devices) a voice. Sarcasm/Humor/Comedy is an exception to this; but you must be very careful giving a traditional deus ex machina literary device anything but a mute representation. As is, it reads as very immature. I mirror the sentiment above that you need to show these "signs" clearly, otherwise God looks hormonal and the woman appears to be whiny and bipolar, and then there that husband who's sort of just used to give the wife something to write to God about. Maybe it would be more effective to make it seem like she's praying?

The biggest problem with God here is presenting God from your voice. I would advise a neutral narrator after the wife is in jail. If you insist on religious importance why not a Pastor/Preacher/Father? If I sound harsh, it's because this is a very ambitious poem and you needed more perspective on its effectiveness. Good luck!

retrodisco666 wrote:Dear God,
I hate my life,
I'm forced to live with a man,
who will not admit I'm his wife.(i think making will not to won't will improve the flow of the poem)
He beats me, mistreats me,(a very good usage of words)
and makes me feel sick,
I feel like I'm going under,
I need help quick.(i liked the sick and quick rhyme you used)

Dear God,
did you get my last letter?
I think I need your help,
things aren't getting any better,(i think using because might have helped0
in fact they're getting worse(where is the punctuation)
I just sharpen the knife,
and then with a quick flick,
I will end his life.(i really liked these three lines)

Dear God,
you still didn't reply,
I can't stand him,
and I don't know why,
that you don't let me end it.
The knife is still sharp,
I want to stab him in the chest,
and rip out his heart.( i really liked this paragraph)

Dear God,
I couldn't wait any more,
I slit his neck,
he bled all over the floor,(i think you should shorten this line as it spoils the flow0
I think I saw you in the stain.
I dug a hole out back,
threw his body right in,
his body landed with a crack.(this was very good)

Dear God,
I am in jail,
the police came and found him,
they think I went off the rail.
They could be onto something.
All I wanted was a sign,
but you wouldn't give me that,
you are not a God of mine.( GREAT PARAGRAPH)

Dear Sue,
you should not have killed him,
you have gone insane,(i think you should say have you gone insane as it will improve the flow of the poem)
you slaughter your own kin,
you should be ashamed.
I sent you a sign,
I sent you a few,
but you didn't listen,
so to Hell with you.

(the best line of the poem)

awesome poem!
keep writing1!