midnight

this is just part one guys, whether I carry on with it or not depends on what ya'll think. Im sucky at spelling so if you could take that into consideration when reading it will be great of ya'lls This is only my second ever posting so if you review it put me down gently people!!


So there i am, running down the street. Its half past 11 and I was ment to be in almost two hours ago, I stopped to catch my breath and cringed at the thought of what my mum was going to say. I started to pick up the pace all the time thinking -well im going to be late any way and no dowbt i'll be grounded so why the bloody hell am I running, with a big puff of air I slowed to a walk. I took in everthing around me, the houses still as one on an abandond movieset, I looked up at the night sky, its a beautiful sight you know; If you pay enough attention to the stars you can almost see them smiling at you. No, im not high if your wondering, but I was majoly creeping my self out, I thought about the nabiourhood I was forced to live in. Privert residential- never no trouble...come to think of it nothing happend hear. I started to think about the movies that were on, and the news reports; well its true all the serial killers and rapest's come out to play in these places. I felt a shiver up my spine that sent me running down the hill at top speed, lungs acheing I said "I could do wiht a really hot guys escorting me home right now!" and then shut my mouth quickly because I sounded mad.

I dont belive it! Grounded for a month, a whole fucking month of my life waisted. I thought back to the little conversation that took place. "Well what did you exspect?! You had me worrieing, I thought I was going to have to call the police station up and report you as a missing teenager! What have you been up to!" Mum said in an oddley calm voice, I swallowed and thought about what i had been up to.. Which was nothing really, just a little jam sess with the band. Maybe a few draws of the spliff that got pasted around. "Nothing mum! honestly, me and my friends were just having a jam session. We were in katies house!" I said mentaly pleading to get out of this grounding. "Well, the least you could've done was gave me a call. now; I have had enough! I am not having you turn out to be like one of those common girls. Off to bed with you!" She said and gave me a little push towards the stairs. When her back had turned I did the childest thing by sticking up my middle finger and stomping up the stairs. Thats were I have been for two days now. In my room on facebook, forget turning itno a common girl Im going to turn into a fat sad girl. I sighed and got out of bed well, at least if I do have to live in this sucky place at least I have a balcony. I opend the doors and walked onto the hot balcony floor to get through another hot summers day in the house. I spotted my cigs on the table and headed towards them, sparking one up I happend to glance down the street; and fuck this sounds corny as hell... But you have no idea, I glanced down my street to find the guy that changed my life forever waving casuly as if to see an old friend.

Hi

I think this has potential. I really like your main character - she's snarky and rebellious and kind of selfish and has her own distinct personality. It feels like there's a good story in this. However, it's very difficult to read because of the way you've written this.

First of all I would suggest giving this a higher rating, seeing as it contains swear words.

Secondly, I know you said that you find spelling difficult, but it seems to be that a lot of these mistakes could be caught fairly easily using a spell-checker.

There are several other grammatical things that could be caught fairly easily and would make this much more readable. For a start, you need to capitalise your 'I's, which you've only done part of the time.

Also, this is in two large paragraphs and would be much clearer if it was split into smaller paragraphs. Also, whenever you have a new speaker, you need to start a new line so that the conversation is more spread out.

As for your plot, I suppose this is just setting up for the rest of the story, but it seems to me that the romantic element is not at all the focus of this story. Instead it's just a stroppy teenage girl having an argument with her mum. At the end you mention "the guy that changed my life forever" - maybe you could focus on him more because when you mention him it's very intruiging and makes me want to find out more about him.

I hope this was helpful, and I really hope you continue this because I think it could become a good story, but you do need to do a lot of work on it.

Hi there Seana!

Here to review!

Comments and suggestions in RED.

seana wrote:this is just part one guys, whether I carry on with it or not depends on what ya'll think. Im sucky at spelling so if you could take that into consideration when reading it will be great of ya'lls This is only my second ever posting so if you review it put me down gently people!! okay.


So there I was, (this storyr's all in past form as far as I could see) running down the street. It's half past 11 (spelling out numbers would be much better than just simply writing down "11") and I was meant to be in almost two hours ago, I stopped to catch my breath and cringed at the thought of what my mum was going to say. I started to pick up the pace all the time thinking -well I'm going to be late any way and no doubt I'll be grounded so why the bloody hell am I running? (better if you would perhaps italicize the thoughts coming form your main character's mind for effects)with a big puff of air, I slowed down o a walk. I took in everthing around me, the houses still as one on an abandoned movieset (I think 'movieset' is two words), I looked up at the night sky, it was a beautiful sight. You know, if you pay enough attention to the stars you can almost see them smiling at you. No, I'm not high (high? what exactly are you trying to tell us? she's on drugs? O_o) if you're wondering, but I was majoly (what's majoly? lol) creeping myself out, I thought about the neighborhood I was forced to live with. Private residential- never no trouble... (watch out of your punctuations)come to think of it nothing happend hear (I don't quite understand this part. I suggest that you rephrase this). I started to think about the movies that were on, and the news reports; well it's true (that) all the serial killers and rapist come out to play in these places (what places? I need you to be more specific). I felt a shiver up my spine that sent me running down the hill at top speed, lungs aching I said, "I could do with a really hot guys escorting me home right now!" and then shut my mouth quickly because I sounded mad.

okay, that would be all though I know there's still a second paragraph here but I hope you edit this once again and re-read it. You tend to switch your tenses and try lessening your misspelled words.

Hope I helped and I'm going to review more of this when I can find a vacant time.

Peace out!

~yuri

She is a pretty messed up girl, and yes, In parts of the story she takes drugs x

Hello there

You are right about the spelling. Next time try to run a spell check, there is one available here when you edit. Spelling errors are just very distracting because they throw the whole story off, especially if they are so many like in this story. Yuriiko has already given a good review to try and cover the mistakes. You should try hard next time. I think you should definitely continue this, it will give you more practice, besides, the plot is good.

Keep writing