Young Writers Society

This is a short bit from a suggestion from Perdido(or...technically the Pixies?). It's a draft, just wanted to post it cause I wrote it in 10 min and was (slightly) proud of it.

When I opened my eyes, there was a fish staring at me.
"Food," it said.
I blinked and sat up, forcing the sand to envelop me. I looked back at the fish, "Well what do you want me to do about it? You're a shark, you go get your own food."
"None around."
"Then start swimming."
"Tired."
"You're not bloody tired, you imbesicle! You're a fish!"
"Not fish. Eat fish. Me shark."
I sighed. Never again will I sleep in the Pacific coast. Too much going on for me to fall asleep, and when I do, it's wwaaayyy too crowded for me to get a good night's sleep. I like the Gulf of Mexico. It's nice and quite.
Well...it was. Until the damnabble oil spill. Or explosion. Whatever it was.
Oh, that was a bad day, that was. I still have nightmares.
Oh, how I miss land! But I can't breathe air anymore, can I?
No-ho-ho. No-sir-ee. I just had to be born with fish genes that 'just happen' to kick in when I hit puberty.
How the h-e-double-hockey-sticks does that happen?
"Food," the shark interrupted my thoughts. I looked at his big, black, almost pot-head-stoner eyes and realized that he was quite daft.
Deep inhale. Deep exhale. (Not of air, mind you. Of salty sea water-so the aggravated sigh was not as satisfying.)
As I stood the sand and garbage around me puddled about, moving this way and that until they settled once again.
"All right, then, Bubby," I named a shark, yes I did, "Let's go find you some food."
"Food!"
I rolled my eyes. I swear, why did I have to be-friend the stupidest shark in the sea? Sure, I used to be in school for my degree in Special Education. But never in my wildest imagination would I have dreamed that I would be educating a shark.
Can you even educate a shark? I think not, judging by this one.
"Where food?" he muttered as he putted along beside me.
"Over there," I pointed to the reef ahead of us. "There are many fish and you are sure to catch one."
"If not?"
"If you don't catch one, then you go hungry."
"Me want food!"
Inhale. Exhale.
In. Out. In. Out.
Aggravation.
Annoyance. "Then you must catch it. I'm not your servant."
Somehow, I think Bubby sighed. "Mean man you are," he told me before pushing ahead and attacking the reef.
I watched in slow anticipation as he swam wildly and madly about, snapping and chomping for whatever he could.
I think he had his eyes closed, for all the good he did.
As he came back I asked, "Catch anything?"
"Mhm. Shrimp."
"Did you catch a lot of shrimp?"
"Food. Me hungry. Get me food."
"Why me?"
"Me eat you if you no get me food."
Sigh.
In. Out.
In. Out.
Aggrivation.
I stare at him in disbelief for several long moments while he stars, unblinking, at me. He might be serious.
"All right. Fine. Let's go get you food."
"Food!"
Sigh.

Hmnmn. This is interesting. I'm not exactly sure what to think about it. There were thinks I liked and things I didn't like and things I didn't like at first but ended up liking...There were also a few grammatical errors/typos. I'm not going to go through and point them all out to you, because that would be the "stupidest" waste of time (which isn't a word, by the way). Let's just get to the juicy part.

I liked the idea for this story a lot. It is original. I hope you develop it more, build up a foundation around it. For example, instead of throwing in facts about the protagonist whenever they're suddenly vital you could have an introduction before this which provides the same information without disrupting the story. That way your shark humor won't be interrupted by, "By the way, I was a special ed. teacher. Didn't I mention that before?" Also, I didn't know the protagonist was a boy until almost the very end, which isn't that important but still shocked me because I was lead to believe he was a girl by his dramatic sighing, etc. But really changing this wouldn't change your story much, but make it a smoother read.

What would really change your story is...well, where are you going with this whole shark thing? I'm interested to know where you're headed. What with the allusion to the gulf oil spill I'm sure the shark could mimic some aspect of human society. I'm excited to see where it goes from here.

And I would like to congratulate you. Success! The shark was very annoying. At first I didn't like the way you said,

Inhale. Exhale.
In. Out. In. Out.
Aggravation.
Annoyance.

but when you used it again I was like, Haha! Yes!

Overall, you left me wanting more--which means you did a good job!

This made me laugh I like it, it's funny in an odd kind of way.

There were a few spelling mistakes:

imbesicle

- imbecile

quite

- quiet

damnabble

- damnable

be-friend

- befriend

Aggrivation.

- aggravation

stars

- stares

But overall it's well written and entertaining, and certaintly a different take on an often used plot. Perhaps this is stupidity on my part but it took me a while to realise that they were actually in the sea because you don't specifically say so until about half way through, so the setting is a little confusing. I like the personalities of the characters though, especially that extremely irritating shark. XD

Hey Chryssa,

Is you MC aquatic or human? I'm just asking because what the MC is isn't really ventured or shown to the reader. I liked the way the shark and your MC conversed. It was funny to read. There were a few spelling mistake but this didnt spoil the flow of the story. I liked the way the shark was annoying the MC and its stupidity. The description of your MC's anger was a bit iffy. I didn't feel it that much. Apart from that I liked it.

Keep Writing.

Anger

:3 Thanks for all the reviews guys! Like I said, this was just a draft. So, I"m going to take your advice to heart and fix it up a lot, and possibly this might become a chaptered story!
Thank you thank you!
~Chryssa

Hey Chryssa, I see that you've already received alot of feedback for your story. But I had to reply and tell you how much I liked it. I thought your writing style was really different and unique, and the exasperated tone was spot on. Also, I appreciate the mention of the oil spill and how it's not only affecting the people and their jobs, but the wildlife.

My only complaint is, who is the main character? I think if you leave it as a short story, then it is fine not to elaborate on the speaker, but if you do, then I would like to hear more about him.

So, great job, and I hope you do write more about this story!!

I'm going to critique this in parts, because there were a few things that really stood out to me (good and bad). From an overall standpoint, I do like that what you have here is mostly dialogue. Because your interaction is so crisp, that makes for a very verbally colorful story, which I enjoyed.

I blinked and sat up, forcing the sand to envelop me.

This particular line leaves me a little confused as to where the narrator is, and this confusion lasts throughout much of the story. Is he on the beach (in which case, it would be difficult for a shark to look at her, as the water near the shore is much too shallow for a shark to navigate successfully)? Or is he underwater?

I looked back at the fish, "Well what do you want me to do about it? You're a shark, you go get your own food."

This line had me tangled, and initially I wasn't sure why. I think it is partly because I invisioned the fish as being, well, a more prototypical fish. The narrator's reaction to the appearance of the shark isn't typical (ie: hysterical screaming), and there is no visual study of the animal to inform the reader of its physical disposition.

"You're not bloody tired, you imbesicle! You're a fish!"

Although I like the word imbesicle, I don't think it is actually a word =P

Too much going on for me to fall asleep, and when I do, it's wwaaayyy too crowded for me to get a good night's sleep. I like the Gulf of Mexico. It's nice and quite.

Quiet. And the choppy informality of this particular section doesn't really enhance the storyline, I wouldn't say. You have already established this playful banter between the narrator and the shark, and you really don't need the juvenile tone of these few sentences. And, from what I understand, the Gulf of Mexico, by and large, is a relatively populous destination. It just didn't sit right with me to hear you call it quiet.

damnabble

Damnable.

Oh, that was a bad day, that was. I still have nightmares.

Okay, so this is where a few things started to fall apart for me. Whereas before, the short, almost stanza-like divisions of thoughts kept me well engaged, it is starting to seem, now, that each sentence has become its own separate paragraph for no particular reason. That is not to say that it wasn't effective at the beginning, when something was happening during your story, but now it's getting a little old. Also, the tone here is very much a European one, but you haven't really perpetuated that elsewhere. Because your narrator has such a distinctive style of speaking, a little more information is definitely in order, I think.

Oh, how I miss land! But I can't breathe air anymore, can I?

Ah, this is a good line, and it helps us to figure out what is happening. However, I maintain that it should be clearer in the beginning that your narrator is in such an unusual position (that is, not resting on the beach as a normal person might).

No-ho-ho. No-sir-ee. I just had to be born with fish genes that 'just happen' to kick in when I hit puberty.

I think one informal phrase would be sufficient here. Together, it seems redundant and almost brings the reading level down.

How the h-e-double-hockey-sticks does that happen?

Again, I think you are overdoing it here.

"Food," the shark interrupted my thoughts. I looked at his big, black, almost pot-head-stoner eyes and realized that he was quite daft.

Once more. You would be better served to add a little more high-level description in here, without the cultural references that are over-used and clunky in the context of this particular story. What about his eyes makes the narrator come to this abrupt, and rather unfamiliar conclusion.

I rolled my eyes. I swear, why did I have to be-friend the stupidest shark in the sea? Sure, I used to be in school for my degree in Special Education. But never in my wildest imagination would I have dreamed that I would be educating a shark.

Befriend. And Special Education =/= school for stupid people, and this would offend most people involved in that particular aspect of schooling.

Aggrivation.

Aggravation.

I stare at him in disbelief for several long moments while he stars, unblinking, at me. He might be serious.

Don't switch tenses. Earlier, you have it all in past tense, which I think overall is much more effective in this circumstance.

I would spell- and grammar-check this thoroughly before you do much else. Overall, I think your introduction is much more compelling than the remainder of the story, which doesn't have quite the dimension that it could--potentially. Everything seems a little flat, and I think part of that is because the story itself is so tremendously rushed. It ends awkwardly, after a choppy and somewhat unsatisfying middle.

However, that is by no means a way of saying that it's a terrible story. After you rewrite this--thoroughly, and while including some more detailed description of the narrator, his predicament, and so on--it will definitely be much more readable.

Nice job!

Just a quicky- I know what Special Education is. My mother is a Special Education teacher for the middle school in our area. I meant that the MC is getting a degree in educating the children with speical needs. That's what I meant.
I probably should have explained it better, I agree, but I didn't mean to offend anyone if they did get offended.

Chryssa2305 wrote:Just a quicky- I know what Special Education is. My mother is a Special Education teacher for the middle school in our area. I meant that the MC is getting a degree in educating the children with speical needs. That's what I meant.
I probably should have explained it better, I agree, but I didn't mean to offend anyone if they did get offended.

I wasn't offended! But your intimation (that stupidity goes hand-in-hand with Special Education) detracts from the rest of your story and portrays the narrator in something of a self-absorbed light. =)

Hmm. Yeah, I wasn't sure what exactly this was. I know it's just a preview, but if you're looking for opinions on whether you should continue this or not, I'd have to say I don't know since all I know is that you have a girl with fish genes and she can understand fish. Something I'd have to nitpick is that fish don't actually breathe water, though Their gills filter the oxygen out of the water. So they do technically breathe air! They just get it out of the water first. Also there were a lot of typos, but I'm pretty sure the people before me caught them.

Mysty wrote:I'd have to nitpick is that fish don't actually breathe water, though Their gills filter the oxygen out of the water. So they do technically breathe air! They just get it out of the water first. Also there were a lot of typos, but I'm pretty sure the people before me caught them.

Okay, yeah, I sorta knew that. Not the whole thing.
Well...that kinda makes this harder for me XDD ;O; Now I have to rethink my entire rethought plan, haha.