Falsified

Tanka..

5-7-5-7-7 Beat, very addictive form of poetry. I strongly recommend trying it. It's quite challenging, but fun.



Drug induced lying
And falsified promises
From the day before,
Yes, just from the day before,
I’m tired of watching you.

Wow that is amazing how you can have a short syllable rhythm and still have the poem to make complete sense. :O I really liked it and I must try it sometime.

SCL

Hiya Persephoneia! I like this! I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but welcome to the Young Writers Society! My one recommendation is that you change the fourth line to: "Yes, from just the day before." I'm not sure, but I think there is a sort of archaic feel to: "Yes, just from the day before." Then again, that might just be me.

Hi there!

This is an interesting concept, and you've left me wanting to know more. There was something about the metric rhythm that struck me, though...

Metric rhythm is made up of "feet" in poetic verse. A foot can be two or three syllables, and is composed of both stressed (P) and unstressed (R) syllables, and if you want to know more, there's a table to demonstrate them here.

PRR PR - This is a dactyl, and then a trochee.
RP PR PRR - Iamb, trochee, dactyl.
PR PRP - Trochee, chretic
PR PR PPR - Trochee, trochee, antibacchius
RP RP RP - And you finish with three iambs.

Usually, in such a short, impressionistic poem, you would try to keep to one meter, because they set the tone of the poem. A trochee, for example, is much more relaxed in tone than an iamb. Because they're so mixed up, I can't tell whether your character is stressed or relaxed, scared or excited, happy or sad. It's the words that are trying to tell me - but with poetry, you tell a story with more than just words.

It's often said that very little interaction is actually portrayed through words, and that most is through body language and tone of voice. You don't have those tools, but with poetry, you can be creative. Meter is used to create tone; presentation substitutes body language.

With this, I'm thinking your character is just fed up - maybe she's stressed, worn out. I'd suggest making this mainly iambic, but you could throw in the occasional anapest where necessary.

Other than the matter of rhythm, I think this is excellent. You've given an interesting glimpse into the life of the character, and, as I said before, I'd love to know more.

Well, I hope I helped, and if there's anything more I can do, please drop me a PM and I'll be glad to help you out.
~Grin

Hey, Persephoneia


Tanka is indeed one of the more addictive forms of poetry, especially given that they're generally short enough to practice a lot. Here, I think you did okay; I applaud you on adhering to the theme of Tanka poetry being emotive, but, I'm not entirely sure if what you're working with here is as strong as it really could be. Let's have a look:

Drug induced lying
And falsified promises

This made me think: cliche. Drug induced lying is a worn-out image because it's one of those images that are so often thrown around in society, and I think it really could work here, if it wasn't trained by falsified promises (because, we could have implied this from that line ) and if the remaining lines pulled better weight, but it's a Tanka, so it can't, and it won't.

Because Tanka are generally expressive of a certain emotion, there usually is a line dedicated solely to a feeling, and though there's no rule that says you need to do so, there's nothing of that here, and it kind of feels like a vignette of a tanka that you won't give us the whole piece of for reasons I'm not sure of, but at any rate, it's hard to get a lot from this, maybe because I'm just partial to traditional Japanese Tanka?

Also,

From the day before,
Yes, just from the day before,

is not working. For a longer poem, the repetition effect could work, but here, it's just making things smoggy, dear. I don't think it's worth it to keep the repeated part.

Thanks for sharing; I applaud your good use of syllables here, but the poem itself isn't working for me. But like I said, I really enjoy traditional Tanka, so maybe this poem just isn't for me.

Thanks for sharing,
June

Hello!


Okay, first off, I'd like to say that I loved this poem. It was short and to the point, which really conveyed the message you were giving out. I think the words really made the piece perfect and collided everything together in a great way. Keep up the great work!(: