The Last Words

Plastic gardens are pallid and cannot bloom.
Let's build a world that cannot break.
Where, if you were to die,
everything would matter.
It's different in the clouds than in the water.
Let's not venture out there again.
Where, if you can't get in,
everything would shatter.
The glass from the windows,
the china cups on the attic shelves,
and the white wine bottles in the cellar.
Let's build a world that cannot cry.
Where, if you asked me
with a gun directed at my face,
"Who would I be willing to die for?"
I would answer "You, silly."

Hey Hibiscus,

I really liked it especially liked the end. I like the utopia of your poem, I want a world like that too. But I still wouldn't die for you. Your flow amazing, your imagery was cool and I really want to live there right now. Your punctuation isn't bad and your grammar is awesome. I can't really find a nitpick here because I like this poem too much. I shall be stalking your poetry from now on.

Anger.

Hey Hibiscus!
I loved your poem(: My favorite part was the ending, it was cute in a sadistic way! This world sounds promising, I wish I could live there.

There's only one part I would like to point out:

Plastic gardens are pallid and cannot bloom.

I feel like this line has no reverence to the rest, in a way it does, but it just sounds odd there with the rest of the poem. But that's just my opinion, feel free to dismiss it as need be.

Well that's all I wanted to point out, keep up the good work!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hi, Hibiscus, have we met? I'm June.

Creative work here. I think that you did a nice job with this poem, but a major issue I'm having with it is that you set one tone with your opening, and later on, the poem took a more structured approach -- which, don't get me wrong, is not a bad thing, but I'm just not sure it's working here, dear.

Plastic gardens are pallid and cannot bloom.
Let's build a world that cannot break.

I like your opening; it's not terribly show-stopping great, but it's good, and it sets a tone, and that I like about it. I'm not sure that these two lines consecutively are supposed to be together, or if you're opening up a new idea. So, if you're saying that you'll build a plastic garden, essentially, with the second line, I have a slight feeling that you shouldn't close that first line with that period, and you should probably connect them to each other [perhaps through saying "so let's" or something along those lines].

The problem I am having with these two first lines is that, while they can work together, they are standing alone, on their own [as you closed them with periods], and they're so different and if there's no effort to connect them, I'm not too sure that this is working, dear.


Later on, I'm not sure if the... what's the word? Er, you know how you say "a world that cannot break", and later on, if this one could not get in, things would shatter -- I know that you're using this for artistic effect, but it directs the poem in yet another direction, and I'm not sure if it's working out too well here. It leaves me with an incomplete feeling as I approach the end of the poem, dear, because even though you closed it nicely, I don't feel like these thoughts and images that you've created could build up to something wonderful, but you're not quite letting it, dear.

You have potential with images and metaphor, though. I'd really like to see you build on that.

June

I really liked this. I can't think of much in the way of critique other than what's been said. I definitely enjoyed it, though! I loved the ending (it made me smile, and I really liked the way you phrased it), and loved the idea even more. You have a cool poem here!

Heya!

Personally, I am in love with this poem for the fact that you brought personality from (What seems, and yes, I may be wrong) your own world. The title is captivating, and as soon as I saw it, I immediatly clicked. The words seemed to draw out as I read them, and I felt moved by the end of it.

Good job, and keep up the good work! I've read a few of your other pieces, and those, as well are very nice.

Hey Hibiscus!

It was very creative. I like you whole interpretation on Utopia. But how would you go about to do this? It was very interesting to imagine how a world would function if everything were changed to be better. It flowed but not as well as I had hoped. It was a new type of poem that I had never read-great to see originality! Not much else to say just keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Great write! You're painting a picture of the world where PEACE rules. Nice perspective as a writer. Also, in the last line especially this part,

Hibiscus wrote:"Who would I be willing to die for?"I would answer "You, silly."

, I can say that you value life for you don't like to die without any valid reasons.

On the other hand, in spite of your attempt to write a metaphorical kind of poem, your effort not enough making it too vague for us. Because of your lapses in writing a metaphorical poem, we hardly follow you. We understand what you want to impart to your readers yet we can't understand how things go like that and suddenly *togsh* the end. Try to read it a loud and rewrite it. Furnish the parts that you should furnish and don't be too lazy to revise it as time pass by.