Heart Shaped River Rocks

I'm doing some experiments with a form of poetry called "tanka". It has a syllable count of 5-7-5-7-7. It's quite addictive. This was my first attempt.




Heart shaped river rocks
I brought them home just for you
But they dried and dulled
And their beauty was subdued
I just wish you somehow knew.

This is a cute poem. I think that even though it doesn't have a lot of description it still tells us a story. She is obviously in love with this guy and has found these rocks in the shape of hearts she was going to give to him. I love the last three lines. They really make me feel
Keep writing,
Smashles

Hi!
This is a great poem and I like that you are experimenting with various writing styles.It's a really short poem but it conveys a lot of emotion and feel so 'Good Job'.You kept the rhyming scheme up nicely and it has flow, so overall I can't find anything wrong with it.
All I can say is keep experimenting!


........ july .......

Hey there, Persephoneia! Nice user name, by the way. ^__^

Persephoneia wrote:Heart shaped river rocks--
I brought them home just for you,
But they dried and dulled
And their beauty was subdued;
I just wish you somehow knew.

Hmm. I've never tried a tanka poem; seeing this, I might just have to go and do one myself now. Anyways, I thought you pulled off the 5-7-5-7-7 syllable count nicely. Actually, I quite liked the poem in whole. It had a steady rhythm to it, and the flow was very nice.

The only nitpick I had was your lack of punctuation, but I added that in.

Keep up the good work,

Mizz

I really liked this poem. It was short yet sweet. It is often more difficult to convey a story and emotion in such a short poem, but you pulled it off nicely. It conveyed a story without directly telling it; it was more suggested. I also liked the use of river rocks rather than something like roses, which are rather cliche in such poems. It made the poem unique. I don't really have any criticisms. Well done!

Write on!

WOW! cute poem!
ooo. So that's the tanka. If you say it's addictive, I might as well try that too. XD
GOOD JOB!

-KAT<3