She's such a Drama Queen Prologue

Prologue

I took a deep breath of the ocean air feeling calmer then I felt for the past few months. I tried to ignore him as I folded my arms and gazed up at the Irish sunset. The sky was a gorgeous orange and yellow occasionally interrupted by a stroke of red clouds and the dark outline of seagulls. The water lapped on the wooden steps, scattered with dark rocks. I could hear the distant laughs and voices of my new friends and wondered why I decided to come here with him when it was obvious he was more interested in the water.

He threw a rock into the water and I sighed. Yeah, my life felt like it was on track, just a few months ago I was the weirdo of my school, spending my time straying in the shadows avoiding the eyes of every boy that walked past me. I felt like that was how I was going to spend my days, but then my best friend Vanessa gave me a makeover. Vanessa was probably the only one supportive in this, who stuck by me and gave me most of the instructions mostly concerning how to act in front of Erik, my target for the month.

I glanced up at him but he didn't say anything, just continued frowning at the waves, he grabbed a rock and threw it; it bounced on the water before sinking. He frowned again and threw another rock, the movement made the droplets on his dark hair roll down his face. He shook his head and picked up another rock.

"OK!" I said impatiently, "When you finish experimenting with gravity could you um...tell me why you want to talk to me?"

He dropped the stone and turned to look at me, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

I laughed. "Of course," I said and shook my head. "Of course you wanted to say that! Why now? It's been three full weeks!"

He sighed, "Can't you just accept the fact that I'm sorry?" He asked, "Or do you expect me to kneel down before you and beg?"

"I can't ignore what you said about me," I snapped. "It hurt! I know you probably don't believe it but it hurt me a lot! Do you know what I had to live through? Do you even care?"

"You did one stupid show," he snapped and glared at me, "So what? It's not some stupid drama thing where you almost died or something; it was your fault!"

"Yes of course," I muttered and smiled coldly, "Well...ok...I forgive you. Go."

He began to walk away and I stared into the water feeling upset, did I really forgive him? Did I really want to? He paused and turned to look at me, "I can't go. I don't want us to be like this," he said shaking his head, "Michelle...this isn't how it's meant to end."

"What did you expect?" I asked coldly, "for me to easily forgive you and then for us to skip along happily as if nothing happened? I can't do that."

"I was angry," he said softly and sighed, "I was angry and jealous...I couldn't see straight or even think straight."

"Jealous of what?" I asked quietly, "Why were you angry? That's something I don't understand!"

"You changed," he said, "you changed a lot and I believed you became a fool! Some air-headed fool..."

"Air-headed fool," I laughed bitterly and kicked a stone into the water, "Thanks...that's a new one."

"I don't mean it like that," he muttered and groaned, covering his face with his hands. It looked like he was fighting some inner battle, and I wondered who was going to win, him or whatever he was fighting because this wait was making me impatient! Why couldn't he just tell me? Ugh...

"Just spit it out!" I said impatiently.

He looked at me then moved forward and put his hands on my shoulders, he turned me to face him and then gazed straight into my eyes, "I was angry...that...I thought that I was going to lose you!" he said, "It took me a long while to realize but...Michelle...I'm in love with you."

Hello! Welcome to YWS! I, Loveless, take it upon myself to review your story to the best of my abilities! This I swear! Ah-hem. Well, here goes.

The summer breeze blew against my face and I took a huge breath of the fresh sea air, feeling strangely calm. Yeah, my life felt like it was on track, just a few months ago I was the weirdo of my school and year What do you mean school and year? If you're talking about your grade then that already understood when you said school. The 'and year' part of your sentence should be taken out because it just takes up already filled space., spent my time straying in the shadows and avoiding the eyes of every single boy that walked past me. To many, um, three dot things below. I can't remember the name of those things for the life of me! But whatever they are, you need to take out some of them and replace them with commas instead. My opinion on the three dot things(ugh) will be in orange, because they need special attention since I don't know their name. I felt like that's how I was going to spend my days but then... Don't need the dots here at all. In fact, the sentence would flow better if you took them out. I understand that you are trying to build suspense with the pause, but I think it would read much better if you just erased them. Vanessa changed it. Of course she would... You can replace these with a comma. it was something she's been trying to do all this time, change me from that failure to this... These are fine. cute girl?


I didn't realize she wasn't alone. I glanced up at him but he didn't say anything, frowning at the waves... Comma could be put in place of, er, the dots.he grabbed a rock and threw it, it bounced on the water before sinking. He frowned again and threw another rock, the movement made the droplets on his dark hair roll down his face. He shook his head and picked up another rock.

"OK!" I said impatiently, You could do one of two things here. You could either change the comma to a period or you could take that exclamation point at the beginning and change it to a comma. The choice is yours. "When you finish experimenting with gravity could you um...tell me why you want to talk to me?"

He dropped the stone and turned to look at me, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

I laughed, Change the comma into a period. "Of course," I said and shook my head, Comma to a period. "Of course you wanted to say that! Why now? It's been three full weeks!"

He sighed. "Can't you just accept the fact that I'm sorry?" he asked. "Or, do you expect me to kneel down before you and beg?"

"I can't ignore... There is no need for the dots. what you said about me," I snapped. "It hurt! I know you probably don't believe it but it hurt me a lot! Do you know what I had to live through? Do you even care?"

"You did one stupid show," he snapped and glared at me. "So what? It's not some stupid drama thing...where you almost died or something; it was your entire fault!"

"Yes of course," I muttered and smiled coldly. "Well...ok...I forgive you...so go."

He began to walk away and I stared into the water, feeling strangely lonely...did I really forgive him? Did I really want to? He paused and turned to look at me, "I can't go...I don't want us to be like this," he said shaking his head. "Michelle...this isn't how it's meant to end."

"What did you expect?" I asked coldly, "for me to easily forgive you and then for us to skip along happily as if nothing happened? I can't do that."

"I was angry," he said softly and sighed, "I was angry...and jealous...I couldn't see straight or even think straight."

"Jealous of what?" I asked quietly. "Why were you angry? That's something I don't understand!"

"You changed," he said, "you changed a lot...and I believed you became a fool! Some air-headed fool..."

"Air-headed fool," I laughed bitterly and kicked a stone into the water. "Thanks...that's a new one."

"I don't mean it like that," he muttered and groaned, covering his face with his hands, it looked like he was fighting some inner battle, I wondered who was going to win...him or whatever he was fighting because this wait was making me impatient! Why couldn't he just tell me? Ugh...

"Just spit it out!" I said impatiently.

He looked at me then moved forward and put his hands on my shoulders, he turned me to face him and then gazed straight into my eyes, "I was angry...that...I thought that I was going to lose you!" he said, "It took me a long while to realize but...Michelle...I think...no, I know that...I'm in love with you."

You use a lot of those three dot things(I need to find out what they're called!) and there is not a lot of description in this story. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it just needs a little more imagery. The dialogue is great, but I'm kind of confused as to what she actually did and what he said. I suppose that will be cleared up later but it still makes my head spin. Anyway, once again, welcome to YWS!

Loveless~

Hey Al3xx!
Welcome to YWS!
Your story was good, but I would have liked to see more descriptions and less dialogue. Yes, the dialogue is important, but I feel like I was missing something as I read this, why were these two fighting? Why is the boy sorry?

Yeah my life felt like it was on track, just a few months ago I was the weirdo of my school and year, spent my time straying in the shadows and avoiding the eyes of every single boy that walked past me. I felt like that's how I was going to spend my days but then...Vanessa changed it. Of course she would...it was something she's been trying to do all this time, change me from that failure to this...cute girl?

Why did she change? Who is Vanessa? and etc, even the little details matter!

You have good dialogue going here, but you need to add a little more meat behind it. With that, this would be an awesome start for a story!

PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hi there, Al3xx! ^_^

My corrections are in red, whilst the words/phrases I think you should remove are in blue.

Al3xx wrote: The summer breeze blew against my face and I took a huge breath of the fresh ocean air, feeling strangely calm. Yeah, my life felt like it was on track; just a few months ago I was the weirdo of my school and year, spending my time straying in the shadows, and avoiding the eyes of every single boy that walked past me. I felt like that was how I was going to spend my days, but then...Vanessa changed it. Of course she would...it was something she's been trying to do all this time, change me from that failure to this...cute girl?

You have a tendency to overuse ellipses (...'s). Only use them when it's something extremely dramatic. Also, you need to remember your punctuation. There is more than commas and periods - don't forget about the semicolon, he can be your best friend. Go on.

Al3xx wrote: I glanced up at him but he didn't say anything, just continued frowning at the waves. He grabbed a rock and threw it; it bounced on the water before sinking. He frowned again and threw another rock - the movement made the droplets on his dark hair roll down his face. He shook his head and picked up another rock.

"OK!" I said impatiently, "When you finish experimenting with gravity could you, um...tell me why you want to talk to me?"

He dropped the stone and turned to look at me, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

I laughed, "Of course," I said and shook my head, "Of course you wanted to say that! Why now? It's been three full weeks!"

He sighed, "Can't you just accept the fact that I'm sorry?" He asked, "Or do you expect me to kneel down before you and beg?"

"I can't ignore...what you said about me," I snapped, "It hurt! I know you probably don't believe it, but it hurt me a lot! Do you know what I had to live through? Do you even care?"

"You did one stupid show," he snapped and glared at me, "So what? It's not some stupid drama thing...where you almost died or something; it was your entire fault!"

"Yes, of course," I muttered and smiled coldly, "Well, okay...I forgive you - so go."

He began to walk away and I stared into the water, feeling strangely lonely. Did I really forgive him? Did I really want to?

He paused and turned to look at me.

"I can't go...I don't want us to be like this," he said, shaking his head, "Michelle...this isn't how it's meant to end."

"What did you expect?" I asked coldly, "For me to easily forgive you and then for us to skip along happily as if nothing happened? I can't do that."

"I was angry," he said softly and sighed, "I was angry...and jealous...I couldn't see straight or even think straight."

"Jealous of what?" I asked quietly, "Why were you angry? That's something I don't understand!"

"You changed," he said, "You changed a lot...and I believed you became a fool! Some air-headed fool..."

"Air-headed fool," I laughed bitterly and kicked a stone into the water, "Thanks...that's a new one."

"I don't mean it like that," he muttered and groaned, covering his face with his hands. It looked like he was fighting some inner battle, and I wondered who was going to win - him or whatever he was fighting, because this wait was making me impatient! Why couldn't he just tell me? Ugh.

"Just spit it out!" I said impatiently.

He looked at me then moved forward and put his hands on my shoulders, turned me to face him and then gazed straight into my eyes, "I was angry...that...I thought that I was going to lose you! It took me a long while to realize, but...Michelle...I think...no, I know that...I'm in love with you."

Overall:

This is alright - it's nothing special, but it's not too bad, either. It has potential, but some of the plot points are ones that I've already seen in some other stories. You need to add your own twist to the romance where a girl changes - change it up a bit.

You also desperately need to stop over-using ellipses. It drives me crazy. Only use them when it's something very dramatic. You use them every two sentences. Let me tell you, you don't need to.

Watch your grammar and punctuation. It can make or break you.

Overall, nice work.

Hope to read more from you in the future.

-Mizz-

Oh! They're called ellipses! Many thanks to you, Mizzle! He-he, I can be happy now!

Thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate it
Well I took all the comments on board and tried to change it so umm I hope this edited version is a bit better then the last. And yeah I took out some of the details because I wanted to answer most of the questions through the rest of the novel, like who the guy is and what happened between them. Ellipses. Out. Got it lol thanks again

I enjoyed this story, I wish it had a bit more descripiton in it

The biggest problems I had with this is that your sentences in the beginning aren't necessarily run-ons, but they seem awkward. Wordiness, I guess is what you have there. You're taking a lot of words to say very little! Also, when you get to the dialogue, the description becomes almost non-existent. In a scene with a lot of dialogue you don't need paragraphs of description, but it'd still be nice to have some visual cues to go by.

I really enjoyed this! I like the descriptions and the imagery you used in the first paragraph but, keep doing it throughout the entire prologue. It's kind of confusing why Eric and Michelle are arguing with each other though, what exactly did she do that put her in harm? Mainly, I think you could add more details about the characters and whats going on between them. It did leave me wanting to know more thought, defiantly caught my attention.

--wendy

Hi there! Have no fear, LPR is here!
RED = parts that I fixed.
BLUE = bits that I liked.
UNDERLINED = Nit-picks.

I took a deep breath of the ocean air. Feeling calmer than I felt for the past few months. I tried to ignore him as I folded my arms and gazed up at the Irish sunset. The sky was a gorgeous orange and yellow occasionally interrupted by a stroke of red clouds and the dark outline of seagulls. The water lapped on the wooden steps, scattered with dark rocks. I could hear the distant laughs and voices of my new friends and wondered why I decided to come here with him when it was obvious he was more interested in the water.

Just that first sentence bugged me a bit. Other than that, a lovely beginning paragraph.

He threw a rock into the water and I sighed. Yeah, my life felt like it was on track, just a few months ago I was the weirdo of my school, spending my time straying in the shadows avoiding the eyes of every boy that walked past me. I felt like that was how I was going to spend my days, but then my best friend Vanessa gave me a makeover. Vanessa was probably the only one supportive in this, who stuck by me and gave me most of the instructions mostly concerning how to act in front of Erik, my target for the month.

Whoa! Long, long, sentence right there! Try editing it a bit.

I glanced up at him but he didn't say anything, just continued frowning at the waves, he grabbed a rock and threw it; it bounced on the water before sinking. He frowned again and threw another rock, the movement made the droplets on his dark hair roll down his face. He shook his head and picked up another rock.

Same instance here, very long sentence.

He sighed, "Can't you just accept the fact that I'm sorry?" he asked, "Or do you expect me to kneel down before you and beg?"

"I don't mean it like that," he muttered and groaned, covering his face with his hands. It looked like he was fighting some inner battle, and I wondered who was going to win, him or whatever he was fighting because this wait was making me impatient! Why couldn't he just tell me? Ugh...

Long sentence, again.

He looked at me then moved forward and put his hands on my shoulders, he turned me to face him and then gazed straight into my eyes, "I was angry...that...I thought that I was going to lose you!" he said, "It took me a long while to realize but...Michelle...I think...no, I know that...I'm in love with you."

I love this last paragraph! VERY well way to end the chapter/prologue!

Overall:
I think there could be more description and perhaps a bit less dialogue. But I enjoy the dialogue as it is. I think it's a good way to start off the story. It's a bit vague, which could either bore the reader, or make the reader curious.
Well done and keep writing!
~LPR

Ohh, wow. That was a great attention grabber! I realize this is just the prologue so I'll save the questions for the real chapters! So far great jobb!!

--Anne<3

I want to find out a little more about her.
Are they irish? (because then I'm hooked, there's nothing better then a hot irishmen Ah!)
Why was she a weirdo?
So many questions poped through my head but some writers want you to have questions after reading a prologue.
Your detail is excellent, so is your dialouge.
So overall I don't have any complaints
Good job! <3

This is really interesting and I can't wait to read the very first chapter.
I know it may sound weird but I like the title, it was the first thing that made me read it. So well done and keep up the good work! I like your style!

-bugbug368

haha thanks
Chapter 1-7 already up if u see any mistakes feel free to let me know
xx

First of all Welcome to YWS! Secondly, I love your story I can't wait to go read the first chapters. This prologue shows a lot of potential and I know this will be an awesome story.I love how I am dieing to know more and can't wait to finish this review so I can go read the next part. Please keep writing this and PM me when you post more.