The Girl With The Cheetah Mark(Ch.1)

What Happened

The Beginning of Silivrenniel

I head voice all around me while my head was spinning in circle.


I tried to sit up so I could see the person or creature who had rescued me from my death. But when I tried I became stiff and when I moved even an inch pain struck up the movement I tried to move. A warm hand gently rested on my shoulder and helped me up slowly. The spot where the hand had been left some warmth there for a minute.



The soft voice replied. My eyes were filled with suspicion as he said my name.


As if he had read my mind he replied in that soft tone again,


My eyes went straight to the ground before I quietly said,


I glanced back at the man's compassionate eyes that were looking as if they were twinkling with laughter with what I had told him.



"Ha looks like he can't even take the news! What a fool"
I put my left hand on the cheek that had been smacked. I could feel pain shoot up in my cheek as soon as I felt the mark that had been left.



I asked politely. He had his back towards me and was looking for something in a cabinet.



I smiled slightly though it hurt and then started to look over everything that was in the small house. He turned back to me smiling and handed me a mirror. I took it from him and looked in the mirror. I was horrified with what I saw. I had 4 lines leading from over my left eye all the way to the end of my jaw. I traced the lines carefully with my fingers and looked at what I had become. Feredir sensed my shame and said,

"

I put the mirror in my lap and looked at him dumb fondly .

Feredir calmly said, " What did this lady tell you?"

"She told me that she wasn't going to kill me yet."
"Okay now Feredir is a lunatic for cheetahs cannot talk right?"
"She is a fragnura and her animal is a cheetah. She was after you and your dad as you already now. She wasn't alone,am I right?"
"No, she wasn't alone and those 2 creatures were other cheetahs right?"
"Yes they were cheetahs,her two guardians."
I was in shock for I had heard stories about fragnuras existing but those were only stories. Why is her shape a cheetah though and how is she?"
I looked at Feredir and he reached under his chair and pulled out an old book. He handed it to me with a smile and said,
"This might answer your questions and maybe even more! Tell me when you are done."
I took the book opened it recognizing my dad's handwriting and started to read:





















I stopped reading and flipped the page interested in knowing what else her dad had put in this notebook of secrets.

Fragnura: someone that can transform into the form of an animal. You cannot change your form that you have taken .A very long process from your shape to develop completely. You do not choose your animal shape. The animal decides to let you partner with it.Fragnuration starts with the animal approaching you and taking over your body.You wake up and you're inside a different body-your animal's.Once the bond is made with the animal,the first time you transfer your soul into its body the bond is everlasting.Your animal will show you its territory.Over a short or long amount of time your animal's body will become taller,have more strength, and more wisdom the time you spend with it. Your animal can hear your thoughts and you can hear its.You can speark their foreign language while they can only understand your thoughts and the words that come from your tongue.The animal will only obey your commands by the hearing your voice and recognizing it.The creature can find you wherever you are.The creature will help you and comfort you when you need it.

^ means Name

* means Animal

Fragnuras in the Armonorod region:(4)
^Airion= Elk*
^Alena=gray owl*
^Vanmoviel=Cheetah*
^Feredir=grizzle Bear*

Fragnuras in the Aerodog region:(3)
^Rhovanion=white shark*
^Nethaefarason=gray falcon*
^huoriel=Dolphin*

Franguras in the Fortaurë Region:(1)
^Útiradiel=Ocelot*

Fragnuras in the narnen region:(5)
^Idhrenohtar=caribou*
^Aefaradien=Hawk*
^Beriadanwen=Bison*
^Vancarmiel=White tail doe*
^Laisianiel=Lynx*

Last but least Gwen, my darling you may never again be called Gwen but Silvireniel. Vanmoriel will be looking for you and Feredir but you as Gwen.Tell Feredir from now on to call you Silvireniel.Tell no one your name because Silvireniel is your name but in another language. Good luck with your journey ahead and may the gods watch over you.I hope to see you soon my daughter.

I stared at the last sentence he had written.
"I hope to see you soon."
A million thoughts were racing through my mind,
"What does he mean hope to see you soon?Where did he go?How long does he have to go into hiding?How could he do this to me?"

"UGH!!!!!!!"
I yelled out in frustration and threw the book onto the ground hearing it hit the wooden floor with a
"thud."


Feredir sat there with his arms folded neatly in his lap smiling to himself. He opened his mouth slowly thinking about the words to say. Then shut his mouth but thinking about everything that had happend.

"I wonder if she is a Fragnura ?It would serve her well.She does have two parents who are Fragnuras.Oh well time will tell......oh yes indeed time will tell."


I sat there arms folded over my chest while I huffed. I glanced up at Feredir who had got up and went over to the black cauldron that was hanging over an intense fire.He put carrots,peas,tomatoes, and potatoes into it with a

"Thunk,thunk,ca-ching,thunk"
sound following after.


My left cheek was hurting so bad I couldn't talk if I had wanted to talk. Feredir took that and started to talk with me not being able to stop him,he went on and on.
"Silivrenniel, we're going to have to start traveling soon."


My head flew straight in the direction he had started to talk in. I managed to mumble out,



Feredir turned to face me and said ,



I probably had a stunned face after hearing all this for Feredir gave me an understanding look.It made me appreciate him more.



I settled back underneath the blankets while he kept stirring the soup around and around before he started telling the story....
[*]MMurray[*]

Spoiler

In chapter 2, Silivirienniel hears Feredir's story about his fragnuration and what happened to get his name scratched out of the notebook.As the start their journey to the Stone Castle in the East , the meet a boy. Could he be a friend of a foe?Find out in chapter 2 in the series The Girl with The Cheetah Scar written by MMurray

MMurray wrote:What Happened

I agree entirely. What did happen. I really did not understand what was going on and not in a good way. I'm sorry to be harsh but you put this on here for feedback so I'm going to be honest. I didn't read the whole thing, it just wasn't captivating and I know you're only 13 I think it was but it is not really well written. You probably have a really good idea here, I don't know but it needs some alteration. You need a hook, something that gets the reader interested right away and needs to keep reading.

MMurray wrote:"C'mon Gewn wake up. Gosh she doesn't look so well."

I head voice all around me while my head was spinning and spinning.

"Ugh , Wh....wh......wh.....where am I ?"

[/quote][/quote]

I think it is meant to be Gwen right? You don't need to say spinning and spinning, just one spinning is fine otherwise it's just annoying. Don't say Wh so many times either. No one actually talks like that. When you use dots ie ... just use three dots. That is the required amount.

I could go on but I didn't really take in much after that.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to know.
Hope you keep writing though because you know if you enjoy it, it doesn't matter what other people think.

Good Luck, Emalily

thanks...

I am deeply confused by the formatting of this. Why are there bits in quotes and why on earth is it blue? I might read it by the format is so all over the place that at this point I dare not try. Maybe try to clean it up a bit and then I'll take a look.

OverEasy

Overeasy I totally see what you mean>i'm deeply sorry that the formatting was so poorly done. Please if you would try to read it again.thanks and sorry again

Hey Murray! I'm sorry, but I don't have much time to write a proper review, but from what I have read is that the format needs to be fixed. I will be back sometime soon to give you a better review! Keep writing!
PEACE.

well girlie here are my thoughts

the firsts part was VERY confusing and i think i know why, i do this sometimes too i get really excited about the story that i want to tell the reader everything all at once, or i get worried that if i don't get it down now i never will. but honestly the funnest part about reading a story is the suspension of not knowing whats going to happen next (kinda' like christmas haha)
so let me try and give an example.
"I was in shock for I had heard stories about fragnuras existing but those were only stories. Why is her shape a cheetah though and how is she?"

try explaining the fragnuras in a little more depth right here and give a little background on how she knows

it also sounded to me like she already knew this person, i don't know about you but if i found my self in a strange guys house i would be freaking out not trusting him so easily.

now after she read the letter and stuff it started to smooth out better and it was beginning to flow a bit more, i liked it a lot better, but once again you were rushing the story, DON"T! you have an amazing story line going on here and some really great potential for a writer and if you rush the story how can anyone find out how exciting and great this story is
it's like taking a movie and watching it on fast forward the whole time it's just not as exciting.
so go back to your prologue because that one was PERFECT!! wouldn't change a thing, and just get a feel for the writing style you used there. i know i have to do that every time i'm gonna work on my story, i go through the chapter before and get into "the mode"

also there is an "edit" button above your work and i would suggest that every time someone reviews that you go back through and edit everything that person suggested so that when the next person comes along then they can help fix it from there and so that you don't just keep hearing the same stuff over and over again.


but really this is a great story and i'm excited for the next part ! KEEP IT UP!!!

sorry if that was long winded by the way

~Adeera

Oh my goodness, whatever did happen to the formatting? I think you need to go into "Edit" and take off the center justify and whatever strangeness the site has imposed on this. It certainly does make everything a bit complicated to read.

You want whatever you post (and whatever you type into MSWord or WordPad or whatever program you're using) to look something like this: post739631.html#p739631. Everything in nice neat paragraphs, everything the same size, everything justified to the left. Consistency is the key.

Next, proofread before you post! You've got typos everywhere, and while I don't particularly mind the typos themselves, it's hard for me to tell what you do know and what you don't know if you don't take the time to fix the mistakes you can recognize. I'd recommend fixing both the formatting and the typos in this as soon as you can. After all, getting comments on formatting is hardly what you want.

Also, make sure you proofread the next chapter really, really well before you post it. That way, again, I can tell what you do know and don't know with grammar and punctuation and all. The best advice I can give about how to go about proofreading is to read what you have aloud to yourself to catch weird phrasings, and to just be super vigilant about spelling, especially homophones (to and too, for instance.) As you do this, keep a published book at hand. Look at how published writers deal with formatting dialogue, splitting paragraphs, etc--and do the same.

And while I know this sucks, one last formatting thing: I suggest you make all of Gwen's thoughts italicized without quotation marks. That way, the reader (me, in this case,) won't mistake dialogue for thoughts, thoughts for dialogue, or either of the two for prose.

Now, one non-formatting suggestion. Read the journal entries of Gwen's father aloud. Then read the parts of this chapter that aren't the journal aloud. Hear how they sound the same? Try rewriting the journal entry with a different voice. Use different words and phrases--words a father or a man might use. Because if Gwen and her dad sound exactly the same in your reader's head... well, that's not very fun.

Fix up that formatting stuff! I know it's no fun, but it's gotta be done.

Rach

Hey Murray! I am here to review! Sorry it took me a while to review, I have been kinda busy. (:
Red- Corrections
Blue- Comments
Green- Take out
Pink- Highliting

MMurray wrote:What Happened

The Beginning of Silivrenniel

"Gwen, you there?"

I head voice all around me while my head was spinning in circle. "Ugh, wh...wh...wh...where am I ?"

I tried to sit up so I could see the person or creature who had rescued me from my death. But When I tried, I became stiff and when I moved even an inch pain struck. up the movement I tried to move. A warm hand gently rested on my shoulder and helped me up slowly. The spot where the hand had been left some warmth there for a minute.

"Gwen, don't press yourself to hard."

The soft voice replied. My eyes were filled with suspicion as he said my name.You need to place this after the statement.
"How does he know my name ? Have I met him before? I don't think so or else I would remember him.I'm sure of it."Italicize this sentence.

As if he had read my mind, he replied in that soft tone again, "Gwen,your dad and I used to be well.... you could call it friends. He told me if anything we to happened I would take care of you until he returned."

My eyes went straight to the ground before I quietly said, "He ain't coming back because I saw him get murdered."

I glanced back at the man's compassionate eyes that were looking as if they were twinkling with laughter with what I had told him.

"Gwen your dad is still alive he isn't dead."

"Ha looks like he can't even take the news! What a fool"Italicize this since it's a thought.
I put my left hand on the cheek that had been smacked. I could feel pain shoot up in my cheek as soon as I felt the mark that had been left.You don't want to use I to start every sentence. It sounds repetitive. For this, you could reword it to, My hand found the spot where I was smacked. A strong sensation of pain soared through my cheek from the slightest touch of my hand Something like that. (:

"What is your name?"

I asked politely. He had his back towards me and was looking for something in a cabinet. Don't need a seperate paragraph for this again. Place it after the dialogue.

"My name is Feredir."

I smiled slightly though it hurt and then started to look over everything that was in the small house. He turned back to me smiling and handed me a mirror. I took it from him and looked in the mirror. I was horrified with what I saw. I had [color=#FF0000]four lines leading from over my left eye all the way to the end of my jaw. I traced the lines carefully with my fingers and looked at what I had become. [/color]Again, this paragraph has many sentences starting with I. Try rewording it like, My mouth curled slightly into a smile despite that it hurt. I started to observe my surroundings. Feredir turned to face me, handing me a mirror. I wrapped my fingers around the handle and looked at my reflection. At first, I thought that the image wasn't me. Then, I began noticing my familiar facial features, proving that it was me. Four distinct lines that stretched from my left eye all the way to the end of my jaw. I traced my fingers over the raw and red lines. Something like that. (:

Feredir sensed my shame and said, "You know Gwen not many people survive a cheetah attack."

I put the mirror in my lap and looked at him dumb fondly . Do you mean dumbfoundedly? "What? This couldn't have been a cheetah attack for the lady talked to me!"

Feredir calmly asked, "What did this lady tell you?"

"She told me that she wasn't going to kill me yet."
Okay now Feredir is a lunatic for cheetahs cannot talk right?

"She is a fragnura and her animal is a cheetah. She was after you and your dad as you already now. She wasn't alone,am I right?"

"No, she wasn't alone and those two creatures were other cheetahs right?"

"Yes they were cheetahs, her two guardians."

I was in shock for I had heard stories about fragnuras existing but those were only stories. Why is her shape a cheetah though and how is she?" This sentence is confusing.

I looked at Feredir and he reached under his chair and pulled out an old book. He handed it to me with a smile and said,
"This might answer your questions and maybe even more! Tell me when you are done."
I took the book opened it recognizing my dad's handwriting and started to read:

Dear Gwen,

If you're reading this, must mean that you have been found by Feredir. I must go into hiding until it’s time for me to come back out. I’m so sorry this had to happen this way. I might as well explain everything to you from the beginning.
Back when I was a young stupid boy I was engaged to Princess Phoebe. She was in love with me but we had nothing in common. I was to marry her so our kingdoms would become one.[center]

[center]I was ready to get married but to someone else that I loved- your mother, Alena . We met in the Black Forest one afternoon while I was hunting for some elk. I saw a snow white owl perched on a tree limb starring at me intently with brilliant blue eyes. I knew that was high unusual for an owl to have that kind of eye color. She flew behind a bush and then a moment later a young lady emerged from that same bush. I knew she was a fragnura. A very rare and unique thing for someone to show you their animal shape. She came up to me slowly and started to talk to me.

"Hi, my name is Alena Brightman. You must be Airion, the prince. Pleased to meet you."

She started to curtsey but I held my hand out and stopped her from curtseying. I looked into her eyes and saw honesty and love. I knew I was to marry her somehow. She was a commoner but that made me love her ever more. We talked about things until it was pitch dark, even for the Black Forest. I courted her from about four years. My engagement to Princess Phoebe lasted four years for my and her parents thought we weren't old enough to marry at sixteen-years-old. I was thankful for that time I got to court your mother. We would meet secretly and roam the Black Forest. She was brave and it seemed she had no fear. Her family had died before her from a famine that had spread through the town.

She had helped me with my transformation when my fragnuration had started. It was hard for the animal that had chosen to partner with me was an elk. A very wise elk that helped me discover the forest as an animal. Alena had begun her fragnuration when she was thirteen and the snow owl was actually her pet that she had nursed back to health when she discovered it in the Black Forest with an arrow in its wing. I'd took two weeks from my animal shape to completely grow for the elk was already an adult and had grown to its fullest but it had grown a little more with my height and strength.

I would always meet up with her after a long discussion with my dad about marrying Princess Phoebe and becoming kind when I was twenty-years-old. I always asked why couldn't my twin brother Dûrion become king but each time I asked my dad would say no. Finally, I got so fed up with my dad I asked Alena to marry me. She had opted to not marry me in favor of wanting to keep my dad happy but I told her that I wouldn't and couldn't be happy without her in my life.
I told my mom what I had planned to do with my life one night while I was in the garden with her. She rejoiced with me saying,

"May the gods bless you!”

I was scared to tell my dad because he was the one that had wanted the marriage to Phoebe to unite the kingdoms. I was to be king in two weeks but I wasn’t ready. So I left the castle after telling my mom goodbye. I went to Alena’s house and we took the belongs we had. We went to the snowy mountains in the south to escape my dad. That’s where we met Feredir, my faithful friend. He had heard that Phoebe had married my twin brother Dûrion. She had also changed her name to Vanmoriel .

I was sad that my beloved father had never gotten to see me marry Alena but I knew he would’ve never been able to except the type of life I had chosen. Years passed by and you were born. You completed my life and Alena’s life since the moment you were born. By the time you were seven,you knew the stories about a man changing into an elk and all the different people changing into animals. You thought they were wonderful stories and you even wished that you could be a fragnura.

You had chosen your animal to be a snow leopard. Then your mother went away that next winter. I,myself, don’t even know where my beloved Alena is. I searched and searched for you with no luck. Feredir helped me search too. He went east while I went west with no luck too. He did bring back news that Vanmoviel had planned to find me and kill me. She had finally completed her fragnura transformation. I knew eventually she would come after me. I told Feredir to keep a look out for you when it’s time for me to leave. I hope it isn’t for too long. I have filled these pages with stuff to help you and Feredir along the way.