The pain inside is killing me.
Here it lies for no one to see.
If love was a game, why couldn't I win?
I really hate this pain within.
All I need is someone to love and care,
All I need is someone to be there.
The pain inside finally killed me.
And here I lay for no one to see.

Hi there. ^__^

FireandIce326 wrote:The pain inside is killing me. So cliche.
Here it lies for no one to see.
If love was a game, why can't I win? It would be "why couldn't I win?" because you are using past tense with was.
I really hate this pain within.
All I need is someone to love and care,
All I need is someone to be there. These two lines ^ are very cliche. I've seen them in about five other poems already. Reword this or find a different phrase.
The pain inside finally killed me.
And here I lay for no one to see.

Overall:
I think this has more to do with "the pain inside" then "the game of love," FireandIce. I'd also like to point out you change from past tense to present tense, as well.

Still, nice work.

-Mizz-

It is supposed to change tenses, but I guess you are right about the title =/

I can tell how much emotion went into this I like it...people can relate and I guess that's what makes it more enjoyable

wow. i really really love this poem. i have nothing bad to say about it. everything was like, perfect. i love your vocabulary, and the way you put things. i really appreciate people who write about things like death, because it's one of my favorite things to read about. i wish you had written more to it and maybe gone deeper into depth about the pain.... but that's just my opinion. i loved the rhyme scheme.

i thought it was pretty good, but i would have just gotton rid of the rhyme scheme because it makes it sound too classic. like some other ppl have said, i've read a lot of poems with this theme, so in order to stand out as an exceptional poem, you need to add something original, maybe by going into more detail. don't be afraid to show exactly what you mean with words instead of just peeking under the surface.
but this is just my opinion, i don't mean it personally. =)

Hiya Fireandice. I like this. I can relate (except for the you know...being dead part.) I don't reallyhave much to say really...But keep writing.
~Ladypurple.

Another tragic poem I seem to be reviewing only sad poems! But none the less, this poem is really good!

The pain inside is killing me.
Here it lies for no one to see. I like the rhyming scheme:)
If love was a game, why couldn't I win?
I really hate this pain within.
All I need is someone to love and care,
All I need is someone to be there.In all the other lines, you didn't repeat the first word, but in these two lines you repeated "All"
The pain inside finally killed me.
I think this line is a bit off, maybe "The pain inside has finally killed me" ?
And here I lay for no one to see.

I like this poem of yours cos it somehow interprets my feelings as well ..well apart from some grammatical mistakes, it sure is a nice piece of writing! Have Fun =]

Hi! I liked this one, but don't you think it would be better if you expand it. I don't say that you expand it on cost of loosing the meaning and emotions you put in but still if you can I would appreciate it.

Now, you might be thinking that whenever I read your poetry I always ask you to expand it, but there is a reason for that. When you write such a short poem, no matter how great it is the reader doesn't get that much great attraction towards it because it ends up much earlier before expected. I think you understand what I mean. I also write things like this but then I count them as phrases not poems and people do like them.

However, if you have to sacrifice the meaning of your writing and it bugs you then it is better to leave it as it. Over all, it was a great work.

Keep Writing.

-Chetan

I like this poem. It really shows you know what it's like to have pain inside. Again, good poem and you have a gift to take what's inside and write about.

FireandIce326 wrote:The pain inside is killing me.
Here it lies for no one to see.
If love was a game, why couldn't I win?
I really hate this pain within.
All I need is someone to love and care,
All I need is someone to be there.
The pain inside finally killed me.
And here I lay for no one to see.

Wow! Seems like everybody prettty much caught all the little stuff I was gonna point out.
But whoaaa dude this was great!
I liked how it was so little and short but expressed so much feelings.
You did really well.
Your rhyming was awesome too.
So overall it rockedd dude!
-Libby<3