Oh how I hate the stars

Oh how I hate the stars.
How they mock me in the night.
How they dance with the moon,
and cast a pitiful light.

Oh how I hate the twinkle,
the twinkle that they own,
I hate the way they give romantics,
the feeling that they're not alone.

The planets that relied on them,
the stars that I now see,
they can take them all back,
as they mean nothing to me.

Oh how I hate the stars,
such small pitiful things,
They ruin all the comfort,
that the darkness brings.

Huh, this is a very interesting poem Usually, people talk about how the stars are comforting, bright and warm, but here you go to lengths to tell us how they aren't that. I love poems/ stories like that. You actually speak your mind!

I love this Not that I agree, necessarily, but this is very convincing You did well.

Lavvi

Hi,

This was refreshing and flowed nicely. The last stanza was particularly powerful, and the tone of the speaker works very well. It develops smoothly from beginning to end, which made for pleasant reading.

I'm unsure about "Oh how." It felt a little false to me. I'd try for something more colloquial. The problem with that is, your version does fit the rhythm so beautifully! I'd give thought to the other ways in which you could say what you're trying to say with "Oh how" and play around with the rhythm and different words.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hiya. I agree with Lavender about this poem being interesting. I like its originality. I hope you write more. 'Till next time!
~Ladypurple.

Wow, you completely changed the view on stars, and you summed it up very nicely in four stanzas. I especially like how you sort of personified the stars by making them "mock", "dance", and "own". That was cool.
You had really good rhythm and a nice rhyme scene, too. Liked it a lot .

Like like like! Lol, this poem is so kool. I'm not sure I, or many people for that matter, would have come up with this concept. I can't really think of something bad to say haha, so that's a good thing. Please write more, I would love to see what else you come up with!

Ooh, love this one too! It's original, it says something and it takes the subject in the opposite direction of what people usually think. Great work retrodisco!

Hi Retro!
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to this for you! In that time you’ve received many good critiques so this one will no doubt fall up short. I like how you’ve chosen to play this, the hatred of the stars. I think I like it most because it is different – and as writers are we not always striving to be unique? It works well; the right tone is here with a mixture of bitterness and resentment. I like your structure and the length of your lines although I found the last line to be somewhat awkwardly short in comparison.

I like the rhymes, though I usually find them disheartening, and I think you’ve used them fairly creatively here, they don’t feel contrived. The repetition of “twinkle” in your second stanza goes against you, I feel as though you mean to bring “twinkle twinkle little star” to light here (lol, pun) but it isn’t working for you. If you did mean for it to be a reference, definitely lose it; that little poem thing is about happy stars, not unhappy ones. It occurs to me that the extra twinkle may be in there to help the length of the line, so you can have the “own/alone” rhyme. That’s even worse, if it’s the case. In any way, it needs to go for me to take your poem seriously.

I want to say that you also have to lose the “Oh how I hate the twinkle” because that’s inconsistent right now and it’s negatively effecting your poem. I’m also tempted to tell you to lose it at the end as well but I think it will suffice where it is without too much horror. It’s your second stanza that loses out here, and I think you could definitely tweak it until it’s a little better suited to the rest of the poem.

In the end, I rather like this poem in the end. You use your words well and they fit together to make a quite lovely, if sad, picture.

Thank you for the read,

- PenguinAttack.

I just discovered your poem and found myself in a very ironic situation since I literally JUST submitted an ode to stars. Nonetheless I yield.

I liked your poem's tricky balance between humorous satire and actual sadness. The rhyme scheme is nice and the last stanza is puzzling in a good way and could be a little more subtle ambiguous but definitely left me wondering why you find discomfort in illumination and lose your fears in the unknowing darkness. Maybe shoot me a PM for further discussion.

*likes*

I agree that this poem is memorable because it takes an unusual opinion on the nature of stars. So very good work on the creativity there. The rhyme doesn't feel forced in this poem, which is definitely laudable, but I feel like you were trying a bit too hard to force the rhythm by adding commas that do give rhythm, but do not logically make sense.

Oh how I hate the stars.
How they mock me in the night.
How they dance with the moon,
and cast a pitiful light.

For example, in this stanza the punctuation is all over the place. The first two periods should be commas, and I think the last comma can be eliminated altogether. A period is so much more final than a comma, and here it gives too much of a stop-and-go feel for the rhythm.

I won't dissect the rest of the poem too thoroughly but I did notice the little problems elsewhere. So I would watch how you use punctuation in general.

I loved the last stanza!

Hmm, I liked this poem a lot. It seemed to flow well.

It's a little depressing, but that's ok.

I don't really have any complaints, which is rare for me. Nice job.

cheers,
Pros

I loved your poem, usually people write about the romance or comfort that stars bring but you've brought out a different angle and it works really well.

Really good.It's very original and has a darkening humor I like.

Hey Retro,

This seems like quite a dark, sad poem. I really liked reading it, the rhyme was good. It flowed rather smoothly. I didn't get bored as i normally do when i read poetry. The only thing i noticed was that the first and last stanzas had the same beginning. I think you made it specifically that way, but i just felt like bringing it to your attention.

Whoa.

This is the first time I have been on here in a few days, so I would like to say thank you to everyone for their comments. Thanks.

It is really appreciated.

~Retro Disco666