Artistic License

Starting to query so AL is down.

It was killing me to know where I'd seen this before, and then it struck me. Do you post on Inkpop? Because I most definitely have read this

You have a very engaging style, first off. Paired with being a good writer, that makes this passage quite easy and enjoyable to read, and it left me wanting more. I like the relationships between the characters that you have set up and hinted at here -- it points to a rich story ahead, and your narrator's voice is very relatable.

One thing I'd advise is to avoid giving too much away in the beginning. You tell us a lot about Cameron's and Michael's relationship, Miranda, Sarah, and the rest. 'Tell' being the operative word there. I think you'd do better to spread it out -- you have a lot of character-defining information here -- and SHOW as much as possible.

Overall, quite good. I look forward to the next bit

Yep, I post on inkpop. Or rather, I used to. I deleted my account But a previous draft of this was top five for... March, I think. And thanks for the advice. I'm trying to find a balance in the beginning, looking at published books etc to see what they do.

Just updated this according to suggestions Chapter two is going up next.

Hey Mysty! Welcome to YWS, I hear you're an Inkpop convert. Congratulations (not that there's anything much wrong with it, but I tried it out and it really wasn't my scene. YWS pwns). Anywho, I'm Stella, and I'll be your reviewer today!

I. NITPICKS

crisp, pre-autumn air outside.

Can I just ask... isn't pre-autumn, y'know... summer?

Miranda was one of the people I had been friends with since I started at Clearbell. I had a few others, but they were my ex-girlfriend’s friends first and when it came down to it, they decided taking her side was the thing to do. It’s really no fun to hang around a recently-outed gay guy, after all.

As far as I can see, this paragraph serves nothing more than an infodump. A nicely presented one, but an infodump nonetheless. Let us work this sort of stuff out by ourselves.

At least he didn’t have the hood up that time.

this time, maybe?

Devin had been cringing after I yelled down the hall,

He had been? Then tell us whenever he started.

I wasn’t sure how to answer that at first. I could tell him to go to hell, but I was raised a God-fearing Christian and that wouldn’t be proper of me. Even if my mother was doing it a lot lately.

This is going to sound really strange, but he's God-fearing and gay? I have nothing wrong with gay Christians, but God-fearing doesn't seem the right way to put it because it suggests conservative and... yeah. Reword, maybe?

Alright.

II. OVERALL

This isn't too bad, but I feel like you could have more plot progression. Right now, this is a chapter of mostly background, which, to me at least, isn't the best way to start off a story. Throw us into it a little bit more, then you can go back and explain this sort of thing. When Devin comes in, there's not much reaction to him and I got a bit confused over the end of the chapter as to who you were talking about. Names help

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x