the star i watched.

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Points 2030
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Rather old piece. In haiku!! :D *overexcitement*

Thanks for reading (:

*************

she was always the
star i watched from my window
bright and beautiful

she left behind a
wake of stardust, like a ship’s
trail. she lost me there

but i followed, and
searched with all the light i had.
i found her, burned out,

all alone, along
the side of an empty road.
i brought her home and

gave her water, and
she said, we are broken stars
and i ran out of

light. i said, yes, you’re
a shooting star, but they shine
so bright and die so


fast
you're scared of basic emotions
you say that they're fragile just like china cups




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Points 8413
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Hi!

I have only one thing to say.. Beautiful! This is so well-written and pretty! It's very heart-touching. It's truly an amazing piece! I have no critiques and I'm sorry, but I really see no errors with it.

Oh wait! One thing did bother me. The title. I thought it should be capitalized, but that's just something that bothers me. I'm a little paranoid about things like that. So, don't mind it. I just thought I should make at least one suggestion to be somewhat helpful. :)

So, I'm sorry I couldn't be of any more help than that. Keep writing! You have real haiku-writing talent!


-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




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Points 2030
Reviews 14
Thanks so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it. This piece is very personal to me, so thank you for taking the time to read and review it! :D
you're scared of basic emotions
you say that they're fragile just like china cups




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Gender Female
Points 1171
Reviews 206
Hiya. I gotta say this is really pretty and creative. I just have one thing to say though. You didn't capitalize your "I"s a few times. That's all that needs to be worked on. I hope you write more I'd be glad to read any of it.
~Lady purple.
You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?



You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn




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Reviews 14
Thank you ma'am!

The un-capitalization is intentional, actually :) I know it bothers some people, but for me, certain pieces just don't work without it. I'm strange like that ;)
you're scared of basic emotions
you say that they're fragile just like china cups




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
Hi there.. so,

this was really beautiful.. wonderful imagery and phrasing you have there. I love haiku sequences. But I loved this more than any others I have read. Gorgeous write. The way that you carried one word over from another haiku kind of irked me at first, but it helped push all of them together, so now I like it. :)

Nice job. c:


-Coral-




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Points 189
Reviews 333
Hey,

I really loved the imagery and emotion in the piece, it was very thought about and very well done. I am very glad this piece was done in haiku as I can't see it working in any other way. It made the flow perfect and added to the intensity of the piece. Well done, really.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan



What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
— Omni