A Star for You

I step into the night,
and feel the cold bite my skin.
I spread my wings in phantom flight,
and feel that gnawing cold within.
I look up and see the stars
Made of harsh and icy tin.
One little star lies in my hand,
without two thoughts, I take it in.
A softer heart, a warmer soul,
liberated...is it such a sin?
I wish it could be so easy
To return his love to him.

Hi there, Sassykat! ^__^

Sassykat wrote:I step into the night,
and let the cold bite my skin.
I step into the night,
and feel that cold within. I like this, though it is a tad cliche like the first two lines were.
I look up to the sky,
I see the twinkling stars. You did not. But, OH, you did. This has to be one of the most overused and cliche lines ever, but it's up to you if you want to change it or not. Plus, there was a rhythm you had going with the first four lines and now it is lost.
I take one little star
for the someone that I love. Still, you've lost your rhythm and flow, honestly. And this is cliche.
That star was meant for you,
but you don't have a clue,
Just how very, very much
I love you. Gah. Almost every poem nowadays ends like this. Can you not think of another, less cliche way to end your poem?

Overall:

I think your poem is pretty cliche, but with the right corrections you can make it great. Honestly, I've seen about ten poems in the last few months that end the way yours did, and it makes me want to scream. I'd try thinking of a different ending if I were you.

On another note, you had a nice flow going with the first four lines, but then you lost it completely and it never came back. You need to keep that flow, because it made me actually like your poem and ignore the cliche words oozing from it. And then at the end your rhyme "clue--how much I love you". Everyone uses that rhyme. >.>

Still, nice work. Questions? Just PM me.

-Mizz-

Hey, I really like the concept of your poem. But the execution could have been better. You rhymed a few words with the same word, and your rhyming scheme kinda changed in an awkward way at some parts. But other than that, pretty good

Your poem was good. I enjoyed reading it, but it did seem awkward. You rhymed some words and not others. Then, you described pretty much the same things in multiple lines (lines 1 through 4). Sometimes it adds a lot to a poem, but in this poem it didn't add anything except take up room it feels like. Also, you had wonderful flow in the first few lines, but it got lost somewhere in your poem. I would recommend working on that quite a bit, because I believe flow adds quite a bit to poems.
I didn't really notice the cliches, and the ending did not really bother me. It seemed to fit the poem very well. Your main point of the poem was interesting and romantic. I love the stars, and l like the way you used them in your poem.
With some work, you can turn your poem from good to amazing. I hope you take the time to make some changes and transform your poem, and I hope I helped.

-Morgan. (:

I completely changed that poem. I do admit, it was a little cheesy, but this is a poem I wrote years ago and thought I might have it checked out. Thanks for the help, what do you think now?

Hi there, Sassykat! Most of the nitpicks have already been pointed out, so I won't reiterate them, I'll just give you some general advice.

Overall, this poem is afflicted with one of the most common ailments of rhyming poetry: awkwardness. Rhyming is falling out of fashion in poetry world (some YA lit magazines, like The Claremont Review, are not interested in rhyming poems) and I personally feel that trying to advhere to a strict rhyme scheme constrains the natural flow of the mind and the pen.

But the overarching problem here is your banal language. "The bitter cold" and "I spread my wings" are very common phrases, so reading them over and over in poetry gets to be annoying. Your word choice in general is weak: softer, warmer, free, the stars, my heart, etc. "Harsh and icy tin" is not bad, however. I'm sorry if I sound very harsh but the first step towards writing better poetry, or at least more fascinating and thought-provoking poetry, is incisive word choice, avoiding words not so constantly associated with the tropes of "poetry." That goes for themes as well. It's totally cool to write about love, but write about it in a bizarre, vivid way--that will catch the reader's attention. Good luck and keep writing.

I really liked this poem. I'm glad you changed the last lines. That was my favorite. Overall, your writing has potential. Be sure to write more lovely poems as this.

okay i know people have commented about the awkwardness but i really liked it. it is hard to rhyme words and still make sense(i.e. "hello young mellow fellow, my jello is yellow" would not make much sense). but i think you edited it very well.

I like this. The only thing is, I was a bit confused by the fact that she seemed to be putting a star inside of her, and then she's talking about returning his love to him. Maybe that's just me, though.... Good potential! Keep writing!

I really like your poem! You've got some mad painting picture skills! I bet if you just tried to be a bit more original then you could make it a bit better. Perhaps if you brainstorm a lot before you start writing. I can tell from experience that things become cliche when your just typing what comes to mind.

Definition of Cliche: (noun) a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought

Because some things are overused, you tend to just think of them first. I'm not saying that writing what first comes to mind is bad, because some great lines come from improving it, BUT be careful if you continue with this. One more thing I want to add- Great Poem! I love the "I spread my wings in phantom flight" line. It's so mysterious and magical I love it! Great job!

Love,
LittleLionWoman

This is a really amazing poem! First of all I salute you, for being able to use rhyme in your poem so effectively without the poem becoming nonsensical. Also I love your great use of language and vocabulary. This poem has all the elements of a really good poem; it's got an interesting story, has a well flowing rhythm and also has a good use of imagery too. I like how you describe the stars as 'harsh and icy tin,' which is a rare description of stars and reflects the narrators mood and sort of melancholy of the poem.

Well done, I really like this

I think this poem is really good! Sorry, I know this isn't much of a review and you were probably hoping for more. I'm not the best at this quite yet, so I just wanted you to know that I really like this! Keep writing! ♥