Memory Music

Memory music,
we were swaying once away,
skimming our feet through the staffs.
We spun and sidestepped,
sweeping the air with our flickering bodies.
We were crooning the notes,
washing our world like a water-color.
We tangled and rippled,
our end pulsating my ears.
Notes trilled over one another
as I took a breath.
If only I could have taken you
with me on all my memories.

Hi there, Hibiscus!

Hibiscus wrote:Memory music,
we were swaying once away, I don't like the way you phrased this. It made me go back and read it a few times...maybe try rephrasing it to "we were once swaying away" or something.
skimming our feet through the staffs. Will people who don't listen to music know what a staff is?
We spun and sidestepped,
sweeping the air with our flickering bodies.
We were crooning the notes,
washing our world like a water-color. Love this line here.
We tangled and rippled,
our end pulsating my ears.
Notes trilled over one another
as I took a breath.
If only I could have taken you
with me on all my memories. This a beautiful ending.

Overall:
Whoa, this is a pretty good poem you have here, if I do say so myself. I like that it's not cliche, and you really wrote this quite well. The whole idea of this poem is quite beautiful, and I'm glad you pulled it off the way you did.

Nice work.

-Mizz-

This is a very pretty poem, as I have noticed all of your poems are! I think I'm just going to pick at this a little bit, so bear with me.

Hibiscus wrote:Memory music,

Why do we need a comma here? I'm not aiming to be insulting -- I am asking an honest question. Is memory music the audience of the poem? If not, I'd recommend removing it, as unnecessary punctuation can really detract from a poem.

Hibiscus wrote:we were swaying once away,
skimming our feet through the staffs.

Were you swaying when you were finally away, or did you sway once, then you were away? Again, I am a little confused by your wording. I might look deeper into your word choice here.

Hibiscus wrote:We spun and sidestepped,
sweeping the air with our flickering bodies.

Wait, why were your bodies flickering? Fireflies are the only animals I can think of who flicker. I almost feel as though you threw the word in for appeal, because it sounds nice on the tongue.

Hibiscus wrote:We were crooning the notes,
washing our world like a water-color.

A water-color painting, I'm assuming. Be clearer here.

Hibiscus wrote: We tangled and rippled,
our end pulsating my ears.

I'm not sure, but I think it would either be "our ends" or "my end."

I love the last two lines or your poem, and they definitely sum up the rest of it nicely. I hope you'll take my advice and work to improve this already fabulous poem!

To Mizzle: A staff is a musical term.